mindfull, I'd love some new lab equipment, if I had the budget! Generally I see sales reps and scream, "Quick! Quick! Close the door!"
By decorate I didn't mean hammer and nails, but I think painting falls under that category. I did actually mean knick knacks and pictures and stuff.
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It basically just sounds like this woman has buried herself in her work, and doesn't care what else goes on in her life, let alone w/her own body. She'd be happy to just workworkwork, consume Red Bull, and do more workworkwork. I can't believe you got her on a vacation! Congrats!
Yes, yes, yes. I see you understand exactly. However, I didn't actually get her on the vacation. Her friend did. She basically had to go. I was told by the W a year ago, she was going and I could come along or not. That whole vacation precipitated this D event. That is completely another post entirely.
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Question - Why did you share your goals w/her?
Um... because I told the counselor my goals in IC and then she specifically asked what my goals were at the end of our couples session. I guess I was on the spot. That is why I left off the third goal.
Glad you liked the ring story. I actually like jewelry stores, or at least I used to. I particularly like emeralds. It is just too bad I'm a guy and don't wear jewelry.
You definitely need the shorts with chamois. A lot of sensitive bits down there! Even with the shorts there can be some umm... numbness?
Okay, Pearl. Straight to the serious stuff.
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Has she agreed to end contact with OM or is she still involved with him?
I have no idea. She dropped the bomb on a Tuesday night. The whole thing just felt in my gut like there was an affair going on. I asked specifically, "Are you having an affair?". She said,"No. Well, I'm talking to a guy online. But, no." She already had a bag packed and said she was going to stay in a hotel until she could look at an apartment on Friday. Then she paid me the ultimate insult and said, "You're going to be okay, right? You're not going to hurt yourself?"
I corresponded with her over email and phone that week. Pleading with her to go to C. We had a Friday appointment and I just went in and took the blame for everything. Set up IC for me and couples C in three weeks. C saw the real sitch after my first session and called to schedule an IC with W.
Here is where it gets interesting. She told me she would call in a few days and then fell off the face of the planet. Her mother called me frantically and said that neither she or my W's sister could get a hold of my W. She finally turned up Sunday night and was in a hotel (allegedly because she had cheaper corporate rates, yeah right...)in a town nearby the OM.
One cryptic thing she said in the Friday couples C session was,"There are guys interested in my body type." I didn't know quite how to take that.
One thing is for sure. She was very defiant on Friday. Much more subdued on Monday. I don't know what happened. I may never know. My gut is telling me something happened that weekend. I'd prefer to believe it was a simple date and not love at first sight. I'd rather not think of the alternative.
She moved some of her things out on that Monday and the following Friday. She took very little. A few baskets of clothes, tv, personal items. She did not take stuff she said she would or stuff we have duplicates of (dishes, pots & pans, towels). In fact 3/4 of her stuff is still here, but she did take almost all of her "marital aids". That haunts me. She leaves her clothes, but takes those... To be honest, I'm not sure they weren't gone the previous Friday.
The Friday she moved, I was cool and a cucumber and she commented positively on our conversation. Then Saturday I got too relationship-y. Sunday was our date which went positively.
So, you guys are the experts. Friday before: men-find-me-sexy. Next Friday: going-for-coffee-with-STBX.
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If she has changed so much and doesn't show any interest in being the person you married, why do you want to be married to her? I'm not judging, I just want you be honest with your answer(s). If you simply don't believe in D and are willing to be married to the person she is right now for the rest of your life, then fine.
It is not that I don't believe in D. This is actually my second go-around. I was married for about 5 minutes when I was 21. Ex-W had an A with her coworker. I walked in on it happening. That was an experience, let me tell you. So this ain't my first rodeo. But I do know what my gut tells me and it tells me something happened, but I'm not sure what. I may never know for certain. I'm willing to work past this, but I am coming to the realization I need to figure out what is waiting for me on the other side. I just know I don't want to go back to our previous marriage.
There is one thing I told her. I said I look at my life in chapters. There is the chapter when I lived with my family. The chapter when I went to school, had my first marriage, and grew into adulthood. And the third chapter was with her. And now that has ended. I'm starting my next chapter now. And I can write anything I want to. I'd prefer to write it with her. But if I can't I already know I can survive this. I will be sad for a while, but I'll move on and meet someone new. I just know from experience it is a tough road. Actually, I guess either way it will be a tough road.
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First things first, you have to deal with her affair.
Wow. I guess you can put me solidly in the Gandhi Approach. I've already done exactly that. I just didn't know there was a name for it. I was very diplomatic with it. I went with the least offensive OEA charge and said, "I don't know what is going on. I have my suspicions, but I don't have any proof." She went home to her parents for the weekend. I'm not sure what, if anything, transpired. She does seem more compliant.
Well, that is a lot more info. Anything I should be doing in the meantime?
