BTW, OTMT. Good job working on things. Men can easily get frustrated and give up (generalizing, I know). You are doing the hard work.
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
I'm just digesting, I think. Feeling a bit hopeless. So I hurt her feelings, I got that yesterday from her look! I can't take back everything I say, well worded or not. But the intention. Doesn't that count for anything?
In a nutshell: a) unless I am completely sexually attracted, she wants a D b) if I make any comment that makes her feel less attractive than any other, she's asked for a separation c) if I disagree with her on a major part of child care/homecare or any other thing she identifies with, she thinks I am too controlling to stay with
Yes, I am now in love with her. Yes, that love has brought a lot more attraction for me, but she isn't 100% my "type", yet she wants me to be (not say) I'm 100% in tune with her.
On top of that, we are having so many miscommunications.
I feel beaten. The advice I give myself matches what I've heard - love her fully, get the D off the table, not do anything to forward a D or separation, etc.
Normally I do not say this. But I really think you should go out there and buy a thank you card.
And sit down and write out every single thing she does for you in a day , week , year and thank her for each and everyone of them.
Then call her parents , brother , sister what ever and tell them what a wonderful woman she is.
Then sit your children down and explain to them all the wonderful things your wife does.
Then take one week. And do something nice for her. Each and every member of the family and pamper her for a week. By doing one act of service each day.
Add that to the 5 love languages and see where it goes. Actions Actions Actions my friend.
And I can totally understand A) and B) So instead of talking about her looks for the next little while say how you love her differently.
She cooks a nice meal. Compliment it. She cleans the house. Compliment it. She says hello. Compliment her eyes and show her with your eyes you love her. Think about something wonderful you both shared and then look her in the eyes and smile and say hello back.
And you need to get over this 100% my type. You married her. Find what you love about her and let that grow. And treat her as a woman.
If you disagree with her on something neither of you are right or wrong. You have a difference of opinion. Learn how to resolve conflicts peacefully. If it is something that is extremely important to you core. Then simply state that you will not wavier on your choice. And do not.
Love is a choice. If you love show it.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
Normally I do not say this. But I really think you should go out there and buy a thank you card.
And sit down and write out every single thing she does for you in a day , week , year and thank her for each and everyone of them.
Then call her parents , brother , sister what ever and tell them what a wonderful woman she is.
Then sit your children down and explain to them all the wonderful things your wife does.
Then take one week. And do something nice for her. Each and every member of the family and pamper her for a week. By doing one act of service each day.
Add that to the 5 love languages and see where it goes. Actions Actions Actions my friend.
And I can totally understand A) and B) So instead of talking about her looks for the next little while say how you love her differently.
She cooks a nice meal. Compliment it. She cleans the house. Compliment it. She says hello. Compliment her eyes and show her with your eyes you love her. Think about something wonderful you both shared and then look her in the eyes and smile and say hello back.
And you need to get over this 100% my type. You married her. Find what you love about her and let that grow. And treat her as a woman.
If you disagree with her on something neither of you are right or wrong. You have a difference of opinion. Learn how to resolve conflicts peacefully. If it is something that is extremely important to you core. Then simply state that you will not wavier on your choice. And do not.
Love is a choice. If you love show it.
I agree, your wife sounds like her LL is WOA.
One of the best thing I did while seperated was compliment and praise my wife in front of a room of people. I meant it and she appreciated it. One of her LL is WOA.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
And you need to get over this 100% my type. You married her. Find what you love about her and let that grow. And treat her as a woman.
Thanks for the continued advice CB.
For the "my type" problem - I can't MAKE things in my body react just because I want to. I'm finding more in her body to love as I get closer, but she wants me to say "by action" with my body that I lust for her 100%. I tell her that I love ... and while this is honest and I love sharing that, she wants more or a D!
If we had been screwing around before we married, it may have been. I didn't see her until our wedding night...I've found attraction and love for her and I don't have any problem being intimate or pleasing her/me.
I am mentally opening myself up to that, and it's working. I can't say how much chemistry I can make, but I am trying. I'm just not there YET.
I get the idea that every woman wants to feel beautiful. I want her to. She wants me to think she's more beautiful than any other woman around - seems a bit vain. I want to FEEL that way, but I don't think it is true.
When I get up, I shower, use some gel, look for some clothes that look nice on me. When she gets up, she grabs whatever. She's been wearing the same shirt and pants for 3/7 days this week. How can I think that beautiful? Doesn't she have to do something to look nice, too? Again, I just can't see the fairness in this. If she wants to be the hottest thing around to me, doesn't she have to help me out, too?
[quote]If it is WOA, why the focus on sex (not attraction)?/quote]
Because she is your wife. She wants you to be sexually attracted to her and vice versa. She wants you to affirm your desire, attention, time, connection, love, and prowess. She feels your disdain for her appearance. We can pick up on it here, imagine how she feels.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I think there's enough passion in that dept that disdain isn't the problem. It was in the past. Maybe this is the past creeping up, but it seems like every screw-up related to attraction = separation or divorce for her.
I just don't get it. Five months ago, I would've sworn, honestly, that I wasn't attracted to her (just to having sex), and that I didn't love her. I didn't go around saying that, although she may have felt either.
I admitted to her both issues during the D. RV reminds us we are rebuilding, not repairing.
But now, I feel love and attraction. How in the world can I make either of these grow faster by choice? I'm chosing them to grow, doing things to promote them. But I'm not alone in this.
So I know I need to do more to improve things. Its hard to do when I'm told or feel failure from each eggshell I crush unintended.
(Thanks for your ideas, Coach~)
Last edited by Onthemountaintop; 03/24/1002:18 AM.
Give her some money to buy new clothing and to go to the salon for whatever she wants- highlighting, nails, massage.
I've told her often to not worry about money. A $2000 flight is a lot different, especially when it really is a separation she wanted. I wish she cared about her clothes, etc. I've tried hinting, "Boxing day sales are super for clothes" type stuff. I've tried not to insult her clothing, but she has so many nice things she just won't wear. Instead, she wears stuff from the 80s and 90s she found at a used clothing sale.
Someone suggested to me that a makeover type thing might perk things up, but I don't dare hint to that! I'm in enough trouble as it is~
