The journey begins

[faithisbelieving]

Bridgestone ... W may be monitoring Match.

What is the irony here. DivorceBusting : worrying about Match.com

Think.

FIB

[faithisbelieving]

CTH:

Many of our spouse's follow a common path. A frequent line that you read here on DB is "wow, it sounds like both our spouse's were made from the same mold."

That is because there are common personality traits that lead a person to select divorce:

• low self-esteem
• lack of a gratifying career (frequently SAHM's)
• poor interpersonal skills (no friends)
• sexual abuse of some sort when young
• boredom/affair

My STBXW had all the above.

My recommendation is to stop the Match.com BS until this is done and focus on family and kids. Keep to the high road as much as possible. Fight for those things that are tantamount to your financial and emotional stability while letting go...giving her ALL that is outside of that Venn diagram.

Think of the 4 engine bomber coming home with one engine....dump everything you don't need to make it home.

Throughout this, try to enjoy life as best you can (easier said than done but you DO only get one shot at life). Hold your head up and live well.

FIB

[mishka422]

Well said FIB, VERY well said.

[ClingingToHope]

Yes. FIB. I signed up for Match way back in June or July after W said I'd never let her go, move on ...

In the grand scheme of my making it through this Match is really a small, small, small part of it.

Mostly I've concentrated on filling my weeks and weekends, working the second jobs to build up money so I can enjoy my time with the girls and just getting used to the nights the girls aren't here and I'm alone.

That last part has been hardest. I've never lived alone in my life.

My next free weekend is April 9-10. I have the girls the next two.

A friend is in Korea visiting a sister and will be back April 9 and wants to go sing Karoake. On the 10th, I've got two Meetup.com group events to choose from -- a dining out group and a Christian singles group is doing a game night.

And another lady emailed me through Meetup.com about going on a bike ride together. I'm not sure when we'll hook up -- during the week I just have Thursdays free.

I guess I'm getting there. I sent W an email last night with some ideas on how to teach the girls to handle money that I learned in Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University.

I also signed up for four more counseling sessions through my employer's EAP program. That should take me through July and the D should be getting close to done by then.

Once it is then I'll know what kind of financial plan to use going forward.

It's getting warmer here. Baseball's opening day is in less than two weeks and I'll be driving 5 1/2 hours for the Cincinnati opener (the real opening day) for the ninth straight year. The Reds play the Cardinals.

This year is going to be better than last year and next year is going to be even better.

[faithisbelieving]

It's one step at a time. Once you realize that you can't control them or emotionally legislate them back into your marriage, you begin to understand why it's best to detach and go forward.

Right now, STBXW and I split the weekends since she works on Sats. On Sundays, when I don't have the kids, I coach girls lacrosse and assistant coach my son's baseball team.

Try to keep busy and find things to do with your time. Do things now because YOU WANT TO DO THEM, not based on what reaction it will bring about in your wife. Achieve financial stability so that you can pay your bills and take care of yourself NOT to show your wife you can do it or win her back.

And finally, even if there is no hope that you can see for your marriage, would meeting a woman right now HELP you or hurt your chances? Think about this. As men, we certainly want and need affection from a woman. If you believe the differences in the species as we educate ourselves, women have emotional needs while men are validated physically. You may want to put in perspective, as you enter this difficult phase, whether this is going under the Potentially Helps Me column or the Potentially Hurts Me column.

You'll be out of the hurt locker in due time.

FIB

[ClingingToHope]

Good question on the Potentially Helps Me vs. Potentially Hurts Me column.

I see 0 percent chance -- I used to think maybe .000001 percent -- that W will ever have romantic feelings for me again. I could see a .000001 percent chance that she'd want to work on the marriage for the kids or finances.

But that's not good enough anymore.

I know I don't want to find someone just to have someone. I felt a little desperation last July. The rejection was so fresh. But life is going to be complicated going forward, and I'm going to have high standards on the next person I introduce the girls to.

But I'm not closing any doors in my life. If lightning strikes tomorrow I'll go with it.

[ClingingToHope]

This came up in another sitch, Easter? We don't have an agreement on holidays. It's my weekend and we'll have just gotten back from Florida the day before. Should I invite W to accompany us to church?

The drawback is that the girls would go into their classes and W and I would then go to church together. Or she could go in to D7's class with her. I think parents are allowed to stay then we wouldn't have to spend time together.

[faithisbelieving]

As difficult as it was, I sat next to STBXW at religious services as late as this year. It is painful. Certainly not easy.

Only you can answer this: what is best for your children?

FIB

[ClingingToHope]

What's best is to extend the invitation. I do not expect her to accept, although she will not have seen the girls for four days at that point.

Dropped the girls off at W's house when sitter arrived. The mailbox is next to the door and I could see she got a thick packet of info from her L. I'm guessing that's my response to her petition.

[awest1217]

It is good for you to at least ask what W would like to do. Good luck over the next few days as W responds to your L.