read the points that I've high lighted, stop doing all of them.
- no more asking to come home - when she threatens you, tell her to stop threatening and just do it already, you're tired of this limbo - stop asking her to start over with the family - when she closes up and becomes a jerk, tell her she's a jerk - when she attempts to hurt you, tell her to stop because that routine is getting old - stop telling her you love her, she doesn't like hearing it - stop complimenting her - stop calling her - stop texting her - stop emailing her, - stop smothering her - tell her to setup a schedule with you for you having the kids, you aren't a babysitter, you're a husband, they're your kids too, just setup a regular shared custody agreement where you both agree to have the kids a certain amount of the time, ie. 1 week and weekend for her, then the next week and weekend for you and continue alternating. If she says her job won't allow that, this isn't your problem, she can get a new job if her kids are that important, all that matters to you now is that you have shared custody of your kids, if she doesn't want to work on the marriage and be a family, you can't force her, tell her it's time to call this thing what it is and move on. Observe reality, she's been doing this to you for 2 years because you allow it, she'll do this to you for another 20 years if you continue to allow it.
I know this is all strange, counter-intuitive but you have to remember that what you've been doing hasn't been working yet you continue to do it and suffer with a big smile on your face for 2 years - how attractive is that, who wants to be with a doormat punching bag? I'm sure she wants to be with a man, you don't seem to be it.
Well, I'm going on day 6 "in the dark." I haven't called, txt, or emailed her since then. The only communication i've had with her is a txt on Thursday where she asked if our son had a t-ball game saturday. I only responded with a "no." I thought she knew he didn't have any tournament games this weekend, but I may be reading more into that.
In any case, I'm wondering what or if she is even thinking at this point, because I went from txting and calling her often to zilch for nearly a week. It's really tough doing this cause I guess I'm scared that she will actually like it and enjoy not having me around or hearing from me. But I know I've tried everything else and it hasn't worked. And in the past week, I've felt stronger as a person by doing this.....so I guess it hasn't been totally horrible.
My wife is very hardcore and very stubborn, and when she sets her mind to something, she will do it (no matter who it hurts or helps or how she is perceived). She has this ability to not care about anything ...... or at least that's what she says and the way she acts. Anyway, I'm rambling, but wanted to give an update and see if there were any new suggestions on my next move. I've read the first chapter of DR on here and the book is being shipped so I should be getting it by Thursday or Friday. Anymore short-term suggestions are greatly appreciated. Thanks! Jeff
If she really does actually like you not contacting her and you not being around, I think you have your answer about your wife and your relationship, you can't hold on to someone who doesn't want to be with you anymore.
Let go of the people that don't value you or the relationship they have with you, those people don't respect you and if they don't respect you, they can't love you.
Well, I just got a few txts from WAW asking about the t-ball games this week and she asked if I would b there (I'm the coach but I teach an anatomy class at the local university on Tuesday nights). My answers were very short and direct. I assume I did right here. I didn't ask why she asked me that (even though I wanted to and was hoping it was bc she was wondering what was going on) as I have never been this distant to her ever -- much less for this long.
I think Ive done right by following the rules thus far.
H 33(me) W 32 SD9 SD8 S4 D3 mild S2years ago reunited but... SJune2009 more permanent
you have, and keep on doing it, this isn't a 1 or 2 day thing, this isn't a sprint or a race, it's a marathon for you. We're not talking days, weeks, we're talking months, after a while you will find out how long you want to continue your efforts, it's all up to you.
Well, I just got a few txts from WAW asking about the t-ball games this week and she asked if I would b there (I'm the coach but I teach an anatomy class at the local university on Tuesday nights). My answers were very short and direct. I assume I did right here. I didn't ask why she asked me that (even though I wanted to and was hoping it was bc she was wondering what was going on) as I have never been this distant to her ever -- much less for this long.
I think Ive done right by following the rules thus far.
Just make sure you take an hour (or two or three) to answer these texts; you don't want to appear as if you're hovering over your cellphone, just WAITING for a text from her.
when you DO respond, don't sound curt/pouty, sound short/busy/upbeat. "Sorry, just saw this. Busy day! Yeah, he plays at 2." Or some such.
I will do this as long as I have to to get the love of my life back and my children a normal and loving home. I am determined and will continue these methods daily and will read the book as soon as it comes in. I'm never giving up on my marriage. I just wasn't raised to give up on family and I won't. I understand it is going to b very rough but I've lasted this long and endured enough to the point where I'm starting to feel better and b a better person because of all this. I never thought I could do it and live without her.....but I can.....just don't enjoy it.
H 33(me) W 32 SD9 SD8 S4 D3 mild S2years ago reunited but... SJune2009 more permanent
Yea I waited an hour for both b4 I responded. I didn't give her an explanation why it took an hour. Just answered her questions. Wasn't rude but wasn't cheery either. I'll try to b a little bit more positive next time she sends me a txt. I'm gonna see her tomorrow for first time in 1.5 weeks so I'm praying I will handle myself ok. I think I will. This week of being in the dark has really helped me. I won't try to hug or anything like that. Just gonna b positive and upbeat and myself without being pushy but keeping my distance. I'm looking forward to doing the right thing tomorrow and for the first time in a while not as worried about her reaction to me. I'm more concerned about my attitude and actions for once. Feels pretty good.
H 33(me) W 32 SD9 SD8 S4 D3 mild S2years ago reunited but... SJune2009 more permanent
UPDATE: I spoke to the WAW today before and after the tball game and I was able to take my SD9 for an hour or so before the W came by to pick her up tonight. I kept the conversations light. We laughed and discussed a few things about me getting to keep the kids on my birthday Thursday. Nothing heavy at all. She looked awesome and we haven't been intimate in about 2 months so I think I coulda taken her right there on the field (Haha.....well, maybe not).
I thought it went really well. I hugged and kissed the kids bye both times but never even attempted to hug or kiss her. I kept my distance but did just give her a light touch on the hand when I was speaking about something we were laughing about. I hope I didn't do wrong, but she didn't act like it was bad or try to pull away or anything. I so wanted to ask her to have coffee tomorrow am, but I am trying to follow these guidelines. I know she would have come, but I will follow what the experts say anyway.
Man, it was hard to watch her drive off! But I didn't even go to her side of the car to tell her bye. I just lolly-gagged with the kiddos and everybody was cracking up. It was so nice to see so many smiles on everyone's faces.
Next move: keep this up with the NC or do I attempt to mention a light breakfast one day this week? I assume NC but just wondering at what point do I do anything......or do I wait (even if it takes months) for her to ask me?
Very proud of myself tonight. It was really hard, but I did it!
H 33(me) W 32 SD9 SD8 S4 D3 mild S2years ago reunited but... SJune2009 more permanent
