WAW Using God II

[thegoodfight]

Pigskin,

I agree I do not think from a Religious or Secular point of view if you want to save your marriage, that you should be "dating". I know it is tempting, but two wrongs do not make a right. The passage reads something to the effect of do not repay evil with evil. Anyway pleased to hear you are doing well. I think going out with friends and enjoying what you have, versus what is not there is a good thing.

[pigskin]

W sent out a heartfelt announcement about her baptism in two weeks, telling how she went from atheism to acceptance of Christ.

Today she talked to me about who's attending and said, "You don't have to go but I want the kids to be there."

Then she asked me what I thought about the announcement, and I said "You know my feelings on that topic. On one hand I am elated, but on the other hand, I feel like you are just paying lip service to this new found faith. I am pretty ambivalent towards this."

That upset her and she started tearing up. She told me that she didn't want me there if I had any negative feelings about it. I told her it was a really tough call for me for many reasons (not the least of which is that the OM will likely be there) but I was just being honest, and I plan on going. She said she understood why I would have mixed emotions.

I said "You don't seem like you want me there, as you said that I didn't have to come but you want the kids there."

She said "I DO want you there but not if you have negative feelings. I even considered having you be the one who dunked me in the water."

Good grief. I guess they don't have pastors do the baptisms. I told her I'd be happy to do it. But man, she flips around like a fish on dry land.

Her baptism announcement was interesting in that she said she avoided having it done since she felt she needed to get her life in order first. Then she realized that she needed to give herself to God FIRST, then use His help to get her life in order.

I guess that could be a good sign, but I am not going to ask her about it. I've had enough of that. Reconciliation must be initiated by her. That's how I roll...

[Coach]

"I DO want you there but not if you have negative feelings.

"Sorry wife you are not responsible for my emotions and you don't get to tell me how to feel."

[MrBond]

I would have told her that you will be proud and happy to be there to support her. However you are her husband and that you don't feel it's right to be in the house of God with her affair partner.

Straight forward and direct. I think you should still go. If at the very least to show the OM that you aren't afraid of him. I think if you avoid it, it'll seem weak.

[pigskin]

W sent me an email following up on the points of our earlier conversation.

Touched on how it is a huge step for her and she's not taking it lightly. That she needs God's guidance and doesn't think she can ask for it without committing fully to Him. And that I shouldn't be there if I'm judging her.

I wrote up an email in response which kind of told her off, but I didn't send it. Instead I just said "we need to talk, because I don't think you know my real feelings on this". So she is going to come over later on.

My big beef is the obvious hypocrisy, but then I thought to myself, "All things are possible with God, so if this is just another baby step for her in coming to know Him, maybe I should be glad. Maybe the significance of the event will sink in with her. Maybe this is just one more incremental move toward actually being open to what God has to say about marriage."

I plan on going, and I don't care if the OM is there. I'm pretty sure God is OK with ME being there. I would enjoy making the OM uncomfortable on Easter.

Despite my reservations, I think I'll just be there to pray for her. If God is working little step by little step, as part of my plan I promised to stay out of His way. No more preaching from me.

[marriedCrazy]

This is a very sensitive topic to me as my W has seemingly drawn closer to "religion" as she is going to church where her last OM goes. He is very active in his church and, according to her, has expressed a lot of guilt over what has happened. He wasn't aware that she was married when he got involved with her and he also was slipping away from the church at the time.

She came to me once and said that God told her to leave me and the marriage.

My point is that I have a hard time believing that God would sanction someone leaving a marriage while at the same time finding Him. If she is really seeking Him; I have to believe that He would place upon her heart the need to come back to her marriage.

At the same time I understand your confusion. God works in HIS own way; even so, I highly doubt that he would want her to leave a marriage just to get close to him. But then again we don't know. Maybe God wants YOU to be free and HE wants YOU closer to him. I know that my experience has brought me closer to him.

I've prayed the same prayer that maybe this is what will lead her to Christ. I just question the means. In my W, I see a selfish bent to her new found "religion."

[MrBond]

I think you should let the hypocrisy be known. You are her husband, so of course you are going to be there because it is important to her. However, her blaming you for being judgemental is her guilt talking plain and simple.

She can't walk in the path of Christ while not living at home with her husband and having thoughts of another man. JC isn't going to "suddenly" make things clearer for her just because she's baptized. She's learned what's right and wrong. She KNOWS what's right and wrong. She's just choosing wrong over right.

No amount of praying, cleansing, etc. is going to change that until she believes and understands that she's wrong. Didn't she also question God and pretty much rewrote doctorine in her head thinking that she knew God's thoughts better than His own?

Yeah I'm sure God is going to be happy about that!

[pigskin]

My point is that I have a hard time believing that God would sanction someone leaving a marriage while at the same time finding Him. If she is really seeking Him; I have to believe that He would place upon her heart the need to come back to her marriage.

Yep, that's pretty much been my thinking all along, marriedcrazy.

[pigskin]

She can't walk in the path of Christ while not living at home with her husband and having thoughts of another man. JC isn't going to "suddenly" make things clearer for her just because she's baptized. She's learned what's right and wrong. She KNOWS what's right and wrong. She's just choosing wrong over right.

No amount of praying, cleansing, etc. is going to change that until she believes and understands that she's wrong.

She knows she's wrong and a "sinner" (her words).

The only thing I can get from this whole deal is that she feels she can't break the affair and needs God's help. She feels she needs to commit to Him in order to ask Him for help. That's why she's getting baptized. Other than mentioning the affair, she has said this in her own words - that she needs God's guidance and feels she needs to give herself to Him in order to get it.

The other side of this is that she wants to turn over a new leaf AFTER dumping her family, which given her state of mind and repeated comments about not coming back is a real possibility.

Like I mentioned, I'm going to stay out of the battle in her mind and conscience. That's God's realm and I don't want to be hosing up anything He's trying to do.

[MrBond]

"She knows she's wrong and a "sinner" (her words)."
"The only thing I can get from this whole deal is that she feels she can't break the affair and needs God's help. "
"she needs God's guidance and feels she needs to give herself to Him in order to get it."

All this points to one thing...no personal responsibility. Sounds like she's looking for a scapegoat rather than saying it was all her fault. Now she can say, hey God said it was okay for me to do all this.

I really don't think it's a religious issue. Just a psychological one. You might want to try navigating away from religious talk and start getting her to accept personal responsibility for her actions. Start with something small.

For example, my wife never apologized for anything since this ordeal started two years ago. I thought I tried everything and still nothing changed. So there was a time that something had happened and I figured, what the heck? I told her I felt hurt and expected an apology. Lo and behold, she stopped and said she didn't realize she was hurting me, so apologized right after.

You never know what will work, but getting them to take personal responsibility is the first step.