I don't think we are all "sunshine" but I like to think that we are all here for a common goal. K is trying to make this work and we are trying to find ways to support her. There have been 2x4's and hugs. Don't see much of a reason to bash someone just because you have a different opinion.
I like to think that we are all grown up enough to take what helps and disregard the rest. Hopping off the soap box.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
You are not a fool my dear. You are making the best of life.
You are trying. You are fighting. You are working.
You are making your choices.
And despite the slowness, despite the pain, despite the setbacks, and most of all despite the past, I will always be here here to support and encourage you. Even when we don't always agree.
(((Maria)))
Focus on the simple things. They are there. Under all the family stress and drama, they are still there.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
Kalni, I do have a question for you. If it turns out that he did in deed "settle" for you or that you are his second choice, does that change things for you? Or your goals? (I have no clue if he did "settle" or has you as second choice- no idea)
I think I have read this concern of yours before, if I recall correctly.
I do not need the answer. I am asking you for you. So honestly, I am not expecting a response to this.
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
We are willing to pay a certain price for something or to wait for something more affordable. Sometimes we get a good deal; other times we overpay; rarely is the price just right. But we always "settle". That's the basic law of economics and equilibrium and it applies in relationships as well. You are indeed haggling with H for the best price you can get him back for regardless of what anyone is saying you will not "settle". You are not walking away either simply because you know for sure there's a lot to loose if you do. Aren't we always "settling" in about every choice we make?
Some very interesting reading to say the least...I have often noticed that the "advice" or opinions we share here have alot to do with our experiences and probably more about where we are in our relationships or life. For example a person like Ali who is in piecing and planning her wedding will have a different outlook than lets say Kerry for instance. Add to that the male and female differences and perhaps some geographic or cultural or religious differences and you get a veritable pot pouri of opinions. Having said all this and quite honestly I probably did not need all this preamble, I have often shared opinions with Maria and what I find to be an interesting excercise is to put myself in her shoes (or try). Because, you see once upon a time my XW came back to me for another attempt. In retrospect, I made it too easy on her to come back. Would things be different today if I had put my foot down and demanded certain things? Who knows....what I do know is that I could not continue to accept what I was being dealt and decided to walk. I admire those who stick around .... for whatever reason....and try not to judge. My "private" communications with Maria have diminished probably because I am redundant, probably because what I say hurts, probably because I am not as tactful as many others. That is ok... You see, my opinions of the male perspective are much like Bill's. <<A man who will not be physically intimate with the woman he claims to love is not being truthful>>. I believe this to be true as well. I have not read books or listened to tapes on the topic...this to me is the litmus test of where a man is mentally in his relationship. I have a hunch that it is probably the same for a woman. If a woman has no passion or desire to make love to her man, then something is not right. <<Sex is an issue. I have very limited desire for it as well, when I do feels ome desire it is because of my hormones... Why is that since I am the one fighting for this M with all I got? Am I cheating on him?>> You are not and maybe he is not either...one thing seems clear to me your hearts are not into it 100%. Part of yours is elsewhere and I suspect part of his is as well. He had a three year "thing" with her and you had your own "thing"....why do we assume that both OW and OM are out of your systems? I shake my head when I read that SHE meant nothing to him....put yourself in his shoes. Did he mean nothing to you? <<I am even unfair to what I felt and call it infatuation >> It pains me to say this and I write it against my better judgement...I think both parties are on a holding pattern just waiting to see if an event, a conversation or even a look will get them back to where they were 3 years ago. Maybe that is the secret to piecing....just circling around until we get clearance from traffic control.
I do think that many of us have settled for aspects of our relationships in the past.
Most of you don't know me, but I will tell you that one thing I told myself after my first marriage ended was that I would no longer settle for an "ok" in anything.
Maybe you think it a pollyanna'ish idea. I do not.
Settling is accepting a spouse back in to your home, even though they treat you the same way they did before they left.
Settling is accepting a spouse who professes to be unable to be physically intimate with you without telling you the honest reason why.
Settling is allowing someone to point the finger of blame at YOU for the relationship problems, either then or now, and accepting that they might be right.
Yes, I believe that many settle. And no, I do NOT think settling is ever a good thing. EVER.
Settling is not the same as accepting our spouses strengths and weaknesses. None of us are perfect. We all have our flaws and shortcomings.
Settling is KNOWING that a spouse is unwilling/unable to treat you the way you KNOW you need to be treated, and accepting them back anyway.
Sorry some have taken my words the wrong way.
As I mentioned before, this is exactly why I stopped posting here to Kalni in the first place. Sometimes it's just better to have those around who will look for and find the positives.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
I am having a hard time believing he is done, emotionally with her. Knowking he loved her so much, breaks my heart every time I think of it. That's why I am constantly feeling as if I am the one HE setlles with. Just like he is the one I settle for... You see, feelings, for me as well, dont die overnight, and right now I am practising LOVE IS A DECISION as well
Maria... my friend..you are not a fool, you are loyal and clever and romantic and maybe an idealist and he is lucky to have you. But its time to apply some logic here my dear!!
... he finished with HER. HE finished with HER. HE FINISHED WITH HER??
Therefore...
Even IF he did love her, or feel in love/infatuation type feelings for her at the time, or for the first year or two.. he can not really have loved her. We know this is true, becuase he finished with her.
Therefore, that is NOT love. She is not "the one that got away", HE left HER. True love never dies (you know this, right?). His 'love' did, because he finished with her.
She didnt want it to end, she begged, manipulated, pressured...we know all this because you read the emails, so we do know that he had her on a plate, gift wrapped, with a lifetime gaurantee right up until the end.. but he chose to leave her, so clearly, he didnt love her else he would have stayed. He didnt stay, he finished with her.
.. he has even TOLD YOU HIMSELF that he didnt love HER, he loved the SITUATION. You know that this is "textbook" and exactly what Jody said to me about bf and Helen. He has confirmed it was "new, different, exciting", that he didnt feel listened to or happy in our R, but instead of talking to me he left and felt justified in starting a new R..and at first he was happy, but then he changed his mind. Because men are just like that Maria. They compartmentalise, they are visual, they think with their balls, how else an I put it? Women are said to "endure" because genetically we had to stick around to raise babies. Men, not so much, they can split.
He told you himself HE DIDNT LOVE HER. I said to you before, he doesnt open up much, so when he does, you need to take it on face value that how he says he feels/felt IS HOW HE FEELS. And not reject it?
Lastly, maybe you are just projecting when you insist he has "settled" because thats what you feel you may have done? I dont see that.. he had a choice. He already left you. Then he left her. He didnt have to come back to you. He came back because he wanted to. Becuase he wants to spend the rest of his life with you. Thats the impression I get.
As for no sex.. ok, that is wierd right!! There is no real explanation. WHY DONT YOU ASK HIM???? We can offer ideas here, but its all conjecture. Only he knows why its now March and he still has shown no interest in ML to you.
I hope some of what I said helps. If only that you print off the words HE FINISHED WITH HER and stick it in your handbag to read often !! Why dont you do yourself a favour and believe in yourself. He CHOSE you. Noone held a gun to his head and told him to come back. Why not accept what the universe gave you (what you wished for)??
xxx PS: I am up late looking for wedding dresses, I want one in cotton but they are all yukky and shiny.. not one shop has one dress in cotton!! They are only available in NYC !
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Ali, Thank you for your post to Kalni. I am following along with Kalni as there aer aspects of her sitch I can relate to. This post to her has helped me a great deal. I have read some of your sitch and been encouraged by it.
Kalni, What Ali says makes so much sense. I think you need to let this sink in.... really sink in. He chose you.
About the ML issue... do you think it is guilt? That may take time. Do you hold each other and cuddle? H and I do a lot of that, just touching a lot. That seems to help when the emotions are intense.
I think what is best about this site is the different view points that a person can get. I am following like Rockedworld. Praying for you K. You are a strong woman.
Me29 S3 H left 4/1/09 I file 8/2/10 Divorce final 5/17/11 1st http://www.tinyurl.com/25lhu52 2nd http://www.tinyurl.com/2c35ueg 3rd http://www.tinyurl.com/322yk89