Grit..issues that I need to deal with- definitely. I definitely have codependency issues and I know exactly where they came from. My father is an alcoholic and my M has been an enabler/codependent for many years. My father is a sweet man..fully functional..non abusive. He just carries a lot of baggage with him from a previous M that he never got over. My mother is selfless..she has a difficult time putting herself first. She just always stuck it out..plenty of excuses for never leaving even though she hated this about my father...hmmm- sounds kind of familiar.
Had dinner at my MIL with H, SIL, BIL and kids. It was nice being with everyone..it has been a long time since we have had dinner together. My MIL always makes her signature meal- chicken dinner. It felt as comfortable as could be considering the situation. We all took on the roles we typically take on- MIL cooking, SIL setting and clearing the table, me on dish duty..with H's help.
I left right after dessert..H didn't walk me out but we hugged goodbye. My MIL and SIL hugged me and told me they loved me. H called to make sure I got home OK. I feel very sad now. I wonder if H feels the same way.....
MIL just called me to tell me how great it was to get together and make sure I got home OK. She still thinks H was distant/depressed/energy draining....She feels like he is completely lost...and not sure if we will get him back again. My MIL and SIL are at wits end with him. SIL just had a new baby and he has shown no interest..or excitement. I hate that they have to witness his odd behavior too..but I am glad that his behavior/mood is not only directed at me or displayed in front of me.
My MIL just recently moved closer to us so she is seeing my H more frequently...it is very disturbing to her. She doesn't recognize her son. I have seen this behavior for months so I am not really surprised by it all. I think it is a slight improvement oddly enough.
Going to take a hot bath and turn my M woes off for the night.
That list is very good list! Good for you to write it. Without going through each thing I think there is defintely some good reasons to work on the marriage.
Your post after that makes a lot of sense. We learn behaviors or reactions to behaviors from our parents. There is no blame here since they only taught us what they were taught. Your mother sounds like the martyr, fixer, rescuer etc. I think you already picked up on part of that you might have inherited from her.
All the more important that you commit to working on YOU. This pattern could repeat itself. (I am guilty here) Look through your list and ask yourself "what do I have control over?" Anythiing that has H in it is a NO. If you think you can control it you are going to be the enabler like your Mom and we know that is not healthly for Lola.
The answer to some of your fears or questions will come to you when you go through this process. Your Dad's unresolved issues from previous relationships?? Remember my words about my 1st W? The spoils of unhealthy, unresolved issues are all around you.
Focus on Lola. Get Lola healthy. Lola healthy = right decisions for Lola. Fears will go away. Truth will be revealed. The right choices will be made. Forgiveness will have happened. Resentment is gone. Your life will not be scarred by this.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
Thank you Grit Went to IC tonight..and have concluded that it is pretty much useless. This guy is more fixated on my H than I am..and that says a lot. He thinks I have been doing the right things...but is constantly pushing me to push my H into continuing his IC and going on meds. Obsessed with meds. I have told my IC 1000 times that my H refuses to go on meds..he keeps telling me to remind my H that he is self medicating. (sounds like nagging) He also believes that I should be asking my H to do some activities with me. I told him that I didn't want to pursue my H..my IC said that my H is in a crisis right now and is not in the frame of mind to think rational..I will need to initiate events to form a connection. I know he is not rational!!! My H is contemplating moving to Iraq or Afghanistan to live for a year to escape his life..I get that. Asking him to join me for a bike ride is really not going to help much...at least I don't think it will.
My IC never gives me an opinion on what is right for me...just wants me to wait my H issues out and help him along. He obviously hasn't read DR. I told IC that I feel like I am enabling him..and again he said that my H is in a tough position right now. I didn't make a follow up appointment. I have been seeing this IC since early fall...I have gotten more out of this website and out of the one session that I had with the MC..which is a bit frustrating. He uses the same catch phrases all the time and wants to know if I am dreaming...ughhh.
Oh well. No contact today with H and it feels pretty good. I actually don't have any urge to make contact. Have a presentation tomorrow at work and feel pretty good about that too..which is rare- I hate presenting!!!
I wish I felt this calm every day. On days like this..I am not afraid of my M failing or succeeding. I am OK either way. This content feeling is fleeting though...unfortunately. Turning off the M woes for another night.
Text from H this morning..asking me to watch the discovery channel (midnight) last night. H then forwarded two NY Times articles to me earlier today. Then I get this email from H a few minutes ago:
was I rude to you on Sunday? did you feel like I ignored you?
If so, I apologize. it wasn't on purpose. my mother mentioned I should have walked you out. She is probably right. again, sorry for that. It was an unintentional thing.
How do I respond to this? He was being the same person that he has been for months- blank. I need some suggestions on how to field this one. Ignoring is not an option- I will get a ton of follow up calls from him...
speaking of...just got a text message asking if I got his emails.
Well...didn't go so well. I got bombarded with texts and emails. H and mother are fighting...my MIL didn't like the way my H was acting or treating me when I went to her house for dinner. My H has been acting this way for months..so to me- pretty normal..actually better than normal.
I called my MIL to find out what was going on- she told me that H was out of line on a bunch of emails he sent to her..and she couldn't help herself. She didn't like the way he was behaving..and the way he was treating me..and needed to say something...besides the fact that she hates the way H is speaking to her. She said "This isn't the son that I raised".."he keeps getting worse everyday".
My H doesn't know I talk to his family as much as I do. I got another email from my H asking why I wasn't responding..so I simply responded "I didn't know your mother felt that way..I haven't spoken to her."...this followed with a bunch of schizophrenic emails.
First one 1)nowhere in my email to you did I ask you how my mother felt. 2)I just got into a fight with her and I have told her to speak with me only through either you or SIL. 3)why is it that I can not get a timely response from you to emails or text messages?
Followed by:
"I have now asked you 4 questions without the courtesy of a timely response to any of them"
I responded: "what is going on?"
He responded: "I will tell you what is going on. I am sure the feeling is mutual but I have about had it with all of you. figure it out amongst yourselves."
...OK..conversation over.
I love my H family to death..I am glad that they are seeing the man that I have seen for the past few months..but kind of saddened that he is speaking to them nastily too..(I didn't see the emails that he sent to MIL) Apparently he was taking shots at his mother over politics..not in a nice manner. I told my MIL to not get into an argument with her son over me. I am fine. He is just so combative...and has been.
Bright side..I guess he was half *ss attempting to be nice to me in the first place..probably looking for an ally as he fights with everyone else that he cares about. Ironically..I don't really care today..again. Let him fight with himself...or his family. I am not really in the mood..and not even faking it. Let him fight with himself..or anyone else he can bait...better someone else than me.
I guess since many people think your H needs meds, you have have to ask yourself how long you are going to give him for his plan (IC alone? IC and exercise?) to work. And if it doesn't work, how long you are going to give him to realize he may need to try meds?
The depression issue is complex and very tied into self-care. If any of us were to get depressed and let it run its course for however long it takes every time it got "triggered" or chemicals changed or whatever happened, it could take years and cause a lot of pain and grumpiness along the way.
From the post above, you sound almost lucky to be separated from H right now. The problem is getting bounced on his family. You might want to figure out a way to stay dim and restrict your contact with H to once or twice a week to get off his rollercoaster. Have him agree to it ahead of time so he doesn't keep texting and emailing you with every mood he has.
rr22 has some good advice. There is a very good reason why everyone says take care of you. THERE IS NO WAY YOU WILL FIX YOUR H. The IC in my opinion missed this completely. Go to the MC if you are getting more out of it. You can care about H just not care for(read your not going to participate in the drama and try to fix it). It feels like lately he might be coming around but this stuff is all new drama. He is in crisis and he's trying to drag you in. His mother is scolding him like a child and that is the last thing he wants to hear right now. That's why he wants to move to Afghanistan.
My wife has PTSD and she is in crisis. She is/was not necessarily mean to me she is mean to herself so she is the victim and I tried my darndest to fix the situation. I almost drove myself crazy. It hurts to see the person you love go through this pain. You have 3 choices here. 1) You can live with this person and be consumed by the crisis-caring for, trying to fix,etc. (this would be status quo) 2)Leave 3)Detach from the situation and become healthy yourself with the goal that when the person decides to help their situation you can piece a new marriage together.
#1 Is not healthly, it is a Codependent relationship (lose scenario) #2 easiest but you still have to heal and forgive (lose your marriage) #3 The path that requires the most work but is healthiest for you(potential win/win)
I have been talking to you about this so I know I am repeating myself. You have to heal anyway so why not do it when there is a chance that your H may decide to get well. You may be of great help to him if he decides to do it.
How do you handle yourself currently? Tell him that getting involved in all this drama (pick a different word) is not safe for you. That you care about him but that right now his problems are his to figure out. He feels you pulling away and that's why he's getting upset. He needs to feel that I think otherwise it's status quo. If I can just get Lola back into my game then I'll feel better. He is in crisis but you don't want to be the jesus crisis (I just came up with that I think I'm going to use it!) Seriously, you can still care about him without being a victim of the drama or trying to fix it.
My W rarely contacts me unless I initiate it. She is in depression and still involved in A. I want so bad for her to feel better but that will not happen. She's got to stand on her own. She is not even facing the pain she's avoiding it with OM. Your H was avoiding it and he's trying to continue to avoid it. Part of the pain is that they will not have us in their lives anymore at least not under their terms or the terms of your old marriage.
Most people you talk to won't understand what your doing. I have come up with a short answer if people ask. My wife was abducted by aliens. These are not the nice aliens like in Cacoon. So she's out there flying around with them and until they bring her back I'm just going to wait right here.
People usually laugh. It is sufficient to satisfy their curiousity about my situation (why I am not with my W) and puts the blame on something we can't control-ALIENS! Which is really the truth. These people are not our spouses right now.
Only they can decide when they've had enough pain and we don't want them until they do. So door #3 detach, be patient, wait, and have hope.
Grit
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
