I'm going to say what I wanted to call the wife and say but I'm not going to... maybe I'm learning. just skyped with the boys. and it KILLED ME. 8 months now.. .I've only seen them for about 36 hours once in the last month. she has ripped this family apart. she has made them feel like this is "normal" and "ok" and that "daddy loves them"... she has propped them up, distracted them, made excuses and not let them miss me... even when they tell me they miss me she discounts it. one in particular... really misses me.
and I miss them... desperately. I've missed a whole year of their life.
so many mixed messages coming from her.
now big picture-- I am going up tomorrow as she has set up for us to see a new marriage counselor. this weekend she is coming down with the boys. she says she would potentially allow me to love on her a bit. she texted me this morning "a back rub every day for a month?". we talked about 5 or 6 times today. nice talks. I was just about to ruin it with this:
I cannot believe you took those boys away from me. you have destroyed this family. you say that you want to reconcile but you make no moves toward that (I realize she sortof is... that is why I am here). you say that you are alone, that there is nothing for you there. yet when an opportunity came up for me to stay here, you don't want to come here. your story has changed a million times about why you left. first it was to pursue a dream. you said it would be a year. you said that we would spend weekends together. we haven't. and now a year is almost past and you say that you don't want to live here, that it is not good for you and not good for the boys. well I'm not sure I want to move there to do something that i don't really want to do, and yet be party to love triangle. you and he both left your spouses for each other. let me go. tell me the truth that you are in love with someone else. give me that respect. I feel like you are stringing me along. I feel like you are lying and manipulating me. I cannot take this heartbreak any longer. I cannot take this limbo any longer. You want me to give up my dream so that I can move to a town that you moved to to be with another man. it wasn't because you didn't want to be here. it wasn't to pursue a dream. it was to get away from me. I understand that. WHAT DO YOU WANT. you tell me that you will move with me to massachusetts. how is that any different from coming here. you tell me that you will do whatever I say. you do not want me to live with you. I want to be with my boys. they are my SONS. you keep saying that I never wanted to be with them. that is BS! and you know it. but you have had to do that so that you can live with your decision to take them away so you can go and live your fantasy land and be with what I believe you think is your soul mate. you are so cold. so cruel. so heartless. I do not deserve this. I was working for us. working so that we could be together on these beautiful spring days together as a family. I never strayed. I always loved you. I gave you everything. I could not give you myself. yes. I realize I could have given more of myself. I could have been more of a partner. I could have loved on you more. I did my best. now you need to find a way to forgive me and let it go. you keep bringing up the past. the past is gone. I have changed. I want you. I want to love on you. hold your hand. be with you. I want to be there for you. if you don't want that from me then tell me. and let me go.
ok so I said that here. and not to her. I don't feel that much better but I think its better that I said it here.
