Bill, I never once thought your skeptisism is not welcome here. I actually was sad you stopped posting to me...
I now my H isnt a womanizer, isnt a man that gets excited by looking at women, he has a (weird I confess) loyalty to the ones he loves which is why I trusted him blindly and something that explains the hard time he had going back on his word to HER, not me. Which is why, I am having a hard time believing he is done, emotionally with her. Knowking he loved her so much, breaks my heart every time I think of it. That's why I am constantly feeling as if I am the one HE setlles with. Just like he is the one I settle for... You see, feelings, for me as well, dont die overnight, and right now I am practising LOVE IS A DECISION as well. I am doing for my family what H should have done 3 years ago. I am even unfair to what I felt and call it infatuation when I go to bed at nights, to ALLOW room for love for H to grow in my heart. If I do it, maybe, maybe he could as well...
He HAS told me though, that in hindsight, he fell in love with the SITUATION, excitement and not with her. He has also said that she is a nice person...which proved to me once again he was emotionally connected to her deeply and cant even lie to me and say she wasnt worth it.
Fact is that we are doing some progress. Not because of what I do only. Last year, I did the same, he wasnt present. That difference believe me I can recognise. Is the progress the one I crave for? Apsolutely not. AM I blind to things that arent right? Nope. Am I being the best partner I could be? Nope again. But I am trying to be a good partner. I am trying to be compassionate, I am trying to think of his motives as kindones, I am trying to believe and not doubt his words. If I didnt, I would be a fool to be here still, dont you think?
Every book I ve read, describes what we are going through right now. Every single book about affairs describes in detail the process so far. And all of them tell you what to look out for that risks the chance for real reconciliation. And I see these points, that is why I get frustrated.
Sex is an issue. I have very limited desire for it as well, when I do feels ome desire it is because of my hormones... Why is that since I am the one fighting for this M with all I got? Am I cheating on him?
Yes, I settle for less. For reasons most of you can imagine and others you cant. But for now. Not for life. Maybe I am a fool, maybe it is my victim personality, I am sure there is a disorder known for that.
As I told someone I love dearly today, I miss simple things in life. I hate complicated, gut wrenching(sp?) situations. But life isnt simple. K
