Better Days

[ClingingToHope]

Bill, what I can't get used to is everything has an ulterior motive during this time. W tells me she's going after full child support because she can't afford the house at the same time she's started looking for a new place.

Me ... in a way, I'm no better. Since we don't have an afterschool sitter hired yet I've stayed home with the girls both days. Today was great. Three hours playing in the creek, going for a walk in the park, cleaning trash from the woods (their idea) and then finally walking them to their mom's.

But when push comes to shove at mediation, I'm going to use this week as an example of how I can adjust my schedule to fit their needs while W can't and therefore deserve at least joint physical custody.

I know we haven't really been a team for a long, long time and things are going to get much tenser between us once she gets my counter-proposal, but I really, really longed for the partnership today.

When I walked away after dropping the girls off my heart was just aching and I was wondering if there was any part of W that was hurting as I walked away. Unfortunately, I think the answer is no.

So I don't know if I envy you -- the feelings still being there and the occasional night together -- or pity you because the detachment may take longer.

[NoLongerHere]

Haven't been on in awhile. Was (still am) fighting a cold, and spent a number of days basically sleeping. So yeah, normal stuff, behind on work, etc. Taking next week off, so I have the boys on their spring break.

W has found an apartment. She's moving next week. Meaning, I'm moving back into the house. She's finding this very difficult, she's pretty overwhelmed. So am I. I don't know, every time something changes, bringing us one step closer to the end, I go back to that place, that roller coaster. I'm really questioning how I'm going to be an effective single parent, effective at my job, keep the house maintained, all that.

The settlement is that she has them during the day, I'll be home by 6:00 to have them at night. That's good, sure, but now I'm facing doing this alone, it just seems overwhelming. I know intellectually I can do it. And I know the mundane "I'll adjust" is a legitimate response.

And yeah, this is really the end of my family as I know it.

Anyway, back to work. Hey, I'll have regular internet access at home soon, once I move back in.

[BeginningAgain]

BillM,

You will do just fine, don't worry. My W moved out into an apartment more than 5 months ago and I was depressed thinking it was going to be horrible as well. Well it wasn't that bad afterall.

The separation reduced the tension that was hanging in the air when we were both living together under one roof. I instantly got more than twice as much closet space in the house. I quickly adapted to being a single Dad. I get to see my kids every day of the week and every other weekend. I have learned to appreciate the "me" days that I have when my kids are with their Mom. Their Mom and I are very effective co-parents and get along better now than when we were both in the house together.

So chin up - it's not as bad as you think it will be.

BA

[ClingingToHope]

Yes, Bill. You will get in a rhythym, although that is kind of a strange schedule. My worry was that my girls are three years apart, the younger one has ADHD and the older one is a drama queen.

I moved into an apartment where they have to share a room -- bunk beds -- and now, since we are apart, they are together a lot more. No more me taking one for the day and W taking one for the day.

I've had a lot of rough patches, but we've settled into a good routine. They are getting along a lot better. D11 sometimes feels like she doesn't get enough time with me, but we'll find a way.

[NoLongerHere]

Thanks guys. Well, in any event, nothing else to do but move forward.

[NoLongerHere]

Ok - going to try this from my new iPhone - a little tedious, but it works.

Getting ready to move back into the house. I signed as a guarantor for W so she could get into an apartment prior to the settlement being final. Speaking of which, the papers came from the mediator yesterday for review. Haven't really looked at the, one thing at a time. But I can't put that off for long.

So, packing up the apartment. I have the boys - actually took the week off for their spring break. Not a lot planned, but that can change after the move is over.

Actually took them shopping for clothes - I really don't like how W dresses them - of course, the are growing, and they are boys, so the stained clothes that don't fit anymore are part of the package. So, sure, my role as a single dad is to make sure they have nice clothes that fit.

Bought myself some pants too. Still 30 lbs down. In July I was wearing pants with a 36" waist - now I'm 32". 6'2" man. About 173 lbs. All stress from the divorce? Well, combined with some other tentative data, doctor thinks it's time for a colonoscopy. Yea me.

So, packing, moving home Monday,start my routine as a single parent. Actually feeling pretty level the past few days - W getting out and doing what she's been wanting to do. Good for her. We had a minor argument the other day, and I said to her, I can see how you're struggling with this, and I keep coming back to, these are your choices.

She says I don't get it. I get it, I just have a different perspective. I value the commitment, the family, the children, the security and theife we built. She seems to put greater weight on her needs for independence. As role-modeled by her mother. Oh, I don't mean to get snarky. I guess I've just come to realize that my values, my commitment to my family, my boys, doesn't change. I can still execute my vision. I didn't want to do it without her, but I can and will.

So, taking the boys to "how to train you dragon" tomorrow.

Guess that's it for now, the ambien is kicking in. Once I get settled, I'm ditching the meds. Hike back into normalcy.

[NoLongerHere]

Which of you guys are on FB btw?

[karen43]

I'm on FB and a bunch of us here. I think most of us really. I'll look for you there; but I'm really horrible at finding people and most of my FB friends were kind enough to "friend" me first.

Let me know how you like the dragon movie; my D10 is obsessed with dragons and I'm going to take her and maybe S16 (not sure if he'd be bored or not) next weekend.

I think a lot of times I think we tend to turn into our parents, esp. as we get older. I know I've turned into my dad (except for the guy part). My X turned into his parents. I do know people who really rebelled though, and have been able to not do that. One of my good friends has a family who smoke, drugs, lots of alcohol, nonChristian, and she's the total opposite (and considered the weirdo of the family). But I think that's pretty rare; you have to be very perceptive and work hard to not turn into your parents...

[NoLongerHere]

Hey Karen - an easy way to find me, without me giving out my name here (which I'm assuming is against the rules) - I'm on GIMA's friend list - you can probably figure it from there The Dragon movie was pretty good - I enjoyed it - first new 3D movie I've seen. The boys liked it too, but informed me that it was a lot different from the book.

And yes, I recognize in myself traits from my father too, some of which have contributed to this situation.

Well, I've moved back into the house. It's not the happy event that I was kind of anticipating - being back home. Well, first of all - W took more than we had discussed, which, without getting into all the whiny details, really made me angry and I let her know it. Well, she did bring my stereo back.

It just hit me all over again, she's gone. I guess, walking into the bedroom and ALL the furniture was gone - it didn't really feel like coming home. And I realized that probably feeling like coming home, in the back of my mind, included that feeling of home that W made. Anyway, my bed looks puny in the master bedroom, on that metal frame, kind of reminding me that, time to rebuild. It's not the stuff; it's the history, the life, the stuff that we chose together. So. I guess it's not that she took it all, it's that reality strikes again. When I go about replacing it - what does that look like? Me furnishing a home on my own? Style, decor... I'm not really sure.

Funny, she at one point said, you can have the bed if you want it - I ran smack into those posts so many times in the middle of the night and broke them off, had to fix them, patch them back together - in the end I'm not sure I care about the actual BED. (Don't buy a 4-post bed made out of pine, BTW).

Dust bunnies all over the place too. I guess that happens when you move stuff out. But it's not like she was keeping this place up that well.

Anyway, so I'm off work, with my kids spring break. Some break - yesterday I moved, today we went shoppping for a new television. Cause, you know, W took that too. And she set up appointments for the boys that I need to take them to tomorrow. Yea. I did take them on a hike by a local river on Sunday, they got into the water too - they really seemed to enjoy it.

Anyway. None of this is new. It just hits me over the head again. She's gone, it's over. I'm moving on to my life as a single parent.

I talked to the boys about, we've got to put the house back together and make a home.

I keep finding cards and other little loving notes she wrote to me over the years, tucked away in a nightstand or dresser. Just makes the whole experience seem unreal. It really wasn't that long ago that things were good. I think about the way that she filed away all the dumb manuals to our appliances in the filing cabinent, the stuff like that she did, dumb stuff, little things, that won't be a part of my life anymore. The little decorations she put out, pictures she put up.

Well, I could go on, but you get the idea. Don't want to go on whining. Yea, I'm back home. It's good. It really, really is.

[NoLongerHere]

Ugh. Kind of nuts. Was going to take the kids to Six Flags today, but one of them was sick, so did some running around to re-supply the house. Entertainment stand, kitchen knives, flatware, can opener, garbarge can, all that stuff that W took.

Anyway, she's has been sick all week after the move, she tends to get sick after she is exposed to dust. So, nice guy that I am, I offered to pick up a cable modem / wireless router for her, I stopped by her apartment, hooked up the DVD player properly (she was watching it in black and white since she couldn't figure it out).

I told her I was going to put together the furniture, etc. and that the boys and I were going to watch a movie tonight, and she asked if she could join us. I said OK. She asked if I had gotten food, because she hadn't had the chance to shop.

Sure.

So, here's kind of what happened.

When she arrived, I said I had some leftover pizza that she could have.

Then she asked, what are the boys going to eat, and I said that it's 4:30, I wasn't ready to make dinner. And then she says, I thought we were doing dinner and a movie, and I said - no, we're watching a movie tonight. Then she start going on about, "why am I here?" and I said, well, you invited yourself over...

So, OK, fine, I can start making dinner... so I started making the pasta I had bought, and the boys said why can't we have pizza like mom? And then she says, I'm not going to sit here and eat pizza in front of the boys if they can't have any. So, fine, I heated up the rest of the pizza for the boys to eat PRIOR to them eating dinner.

Then she gets on to me for buying whole milk instead of non-fat (I'd actually bought it for myself since I'd lost so much weight), and that I'd bought a bag of chips that one of the boys had asked for. And she said that seeing me unpack all the new stuff I'd bought to replace what she had taken made her feel like crap. Then finally she says, this is too soon, I'm uncomfortable, I'm leaving.

And all I can say to this is a big WTF?

Oh yeah, and she asked why I'm so inflexible.

Well, probably not a good idea to do that again.

I wish she would just get it. I really, really want to rip into her but I'm trying hard not to.