!Help! Need Advice and encouragement!

[stark648]

No, I don't want to go to the "dark side" and just go after some sex or something. (tempting, though).

My daughters are paying attention to what I do.

The one date was with a very nice, attractive woman that I had a good time with and nothing more.--I will probably see her again.

Some of my "friends" on the websites seem exciting, but my girls would NOT get a good example--from me or them.

It is rather nice to get more attention lately, though.

Wife is coming to get girls tomorrow AM to spend time with them for Spring Break.

The youngest is willing to spend the night over there. I'm not real keen on that idea, but at least it's been a while longer for her to adjust to this mess.

She said she didn't have any money, and I told her to just take them to the park and "connect" with them.--that's really more important than going somewhere.

I'm sure the youngest girl will mention my date, and some other things.--That may not be such a bad thing, though-----What do YOU think?

Wife is pretty broke--but wants 1/2 of tax refund for school.

She also says school will pay her to go and pay for gas based on her lack of income. She keeps talking about needing to get on her feet". I suppose she thinks school will do that. I had been telling her to do the school thing for years. She was always afraid of failure.

I had always helped her to study and stay focused doing the other school stuff. (getting her GED, restaurant management school, real estate school, banking school)

HOW SHOULD I TALK WITH/DEAL WITH W?--I TRY TO BE ONLY CORDIAL, BUT IT'S HARD NOT TO FALL INTO TALKING LIKE THE OLD FRIENDS WE HAVE BEEN FOR SO LONG--WHEN TALKING ABOUT THE KIDS, ETC.

[sandi2]

My suggestion about how to act around your W is to treat her like a co-worker until things are more settled. Emotions are very raw and it would not take much to get into a R talk, fight or whatever. When you become more confident, then you will be able to afford more friendliness.

[stark648]

Thanks --I will do the best I can with that...

I do keep getting that fear of her getting pregnant, but I don't want to say anything, because that would indicate I still think about us reconciling at some later date.

I know she can be swayed on things, and I would like for her to at least be swayed on that subject...but I shouldn't say anything, should I?

[sandi2]

I understand your concern about her getting pregnant, however, it would do no good to say anything to her. I learned with my own kids, and other family members, that it doesn't really put a "watch" over their actions whenever we tell them something they already know.

When my younger sibling was doing things that drove me crazy, I thought that I could talk to her and it would stop her from the things she was doing. This was after we were grown. One day my father told me that I had to learn that I could not "control" my sister's life. It shocked me! I wasn't trying to control her,I was trying to help her from making a terrible mistake. If she would go by the advice I gave her....it would make her life so much better. So, see,I could not see it in myself as trying to control b/c I loved her. But it was a type of control and you want to protect your W from maKing things more complicated and if she would listen to your caution about getting pregnant.......but sweetie she "knows" that already and it won't stop her careless ways for you to say anything. If anything, she might do something out of "spite" toward you.

I am still dealing with other family members who I want to tell them what they need to do or don't do (lol) but I hope I've learned when to keep my mouth closed. One thing I've noticed.......is how few actually "ask" for advice.

[stark648]

I won't say anything...

I would like to though, because she is one of those people who would hear my voice warning her not to get prego -possibly during the middle of sex when she would not be thinking about it otherwise.

But, you might be right--she might say "f- it" and just go ahead on unsafely.

I let my youngest d-11 spend the night over there last night for Spring Break. W wanted to spend time with her-took off work, but had no money to take her anywhere. D-11 wanted to spend the night. (D-15 won't even go into that house)

I really wanted to tell d-11 : "You want to spend the night at the house of the man who wrecked your family and stole your mother?"

But I didn't---she wants to see momma and I am trying to do what's best.

Should I have said SOMETHING negative?

W assured me she would not do any inappropriate behavior around her.

I thought ---what she considers appropriate is considered inappropriate by MOST people and this whole mess is inappropriate.

But I had already got off the phone, and it was probably best I didn't say anything?

[sandi2]

I really wanted to tell d-11 : "You want to spend the night at the house of the man who wrecked your family and stole your mother?"

Should I have said SOMETHING negative?

No, as hard as it will be you don't need to say things like that to her. You won't believe this but I've actually seen cases like this backfire. I think it is b/c one parent (say you for instance) is so hurt and feels offended if the child goes to be with the other parent who did all the damage. It puts too much pressure on the child and then the child feels they have to make a choice in which parent he/she will be with b/c they can't handle the tug of war.

She is still the mother and no matter what she does her child will love her and wantto be with her. The more you say against the mother, the more chances you may be taking in pushing the child away from you.

[stark648]

Well, I was cordial and nice and never said anything like that.

She was going to bring d-11 back home Thursday night, but then called and wanted to keep her over another night. I said "sure"-and told d-11 goodnight on the phone.

She told the girls she would take them to the zoo Saturday, after she got paid Friday, but instead, she brought d-11 home Friday AM and poof--went out of town for weekend with boyfriend. So no zoo Saturday!

The girls were mad and hurt. I told them that's just the way she is...she had been like that even when we were still together. I had always told her not to PROMISE-use "maybe" for things with the kids, but she was let them down a lot.

This is the last few days of Spring Break. She told them maybe she could take them somewhere when she got back on Sunday. (I think she knows I'm taking them to the rodeo Sunday). She always loved to go to the rodeo and this year tried to weasel free tickets from me-.---But I'm taking them this year-using my company's tickets, etc.

I have another date tomorrow with the same woman from last week--I thought the girls would be at the zoo. I told girls I didn't want to break the date; I stick to my word as best I can to both the girls and other people.

I may see if the woman would like the zoo instead of lunch and a movie, but I don't know if it's too soon for girls to have Dad with someone else, and I'm not sure I'M wanting a group thing vs. a date. I need some date time.

I did spend some time with the girls tonight.

It really bugs me what Wife did to them--and not only that, she and boyfriend are going to a town that W and I had gone to on one of our FEW vacations from the kids!! That was a nice getaway for US! I think boyfriend's mom lives there.

I have had some other women interested in me, but I have steered away from some that would get physical really quick.
(Although I REALLY miss sex)

IT'S FRUSTRATING TO THINK WIFE IS DOING IT ALL THE TIME, and I am supposed to be "good" and set a good example, do what God wants me to do, etc.

I don't want my relationship with God messed up, but it is especially hard to go without sex under these circumstances. But I also don't want to hurt some other woman's feelings. No matter what they say, most women don't have sex without emotions involved.

On another note, the girls are concerned about their mother coughing more than ever (she smokes more now, also). I told them W said she had bronchitis, (but they say it's the cigarettes).


Any encouraging words,thoughts, or advice about any of this rambling I've been doing???


Thanks so much...

[sandi2]

I may see if the woman would like the zoo instead of lunch and a movie, but I don't know if it's too soon for girls to have Dad with someone else, and I'm not sure I'M wanting a group thing vs. a date. I need some date time.

I agree, it's way too soon for the kids. They are having to deal with enough as it is. Just knowing you are seeing another woman is enough for now.

I know it seems "unfair" that your W is having sex and you (as you said) have to be good. But try to think of it as your choice.....not a "have to". Nothing gets by God (bad or good) unnoticed.

[stark648]

W texted d-15 and said she missed her, but she was STILL in San Antonio. Daughter and W texted back and forth while I was driving my daughters to the rodeo. Wife had originally told daughters she would take them to zoo Saturday after she got paid Friday.

In latest texts, she was lying about getting paid the NEXT Friday--that she 'got the weeks mixed up'--(I know she got paid already and so do the girls). W didn't even mention the park or doing something with them Sunday like she had said before she left Friday. Daughter didn't mention it and I don't think she mentioned WE were already going to the rodeo, anyway.

W was talking about taking daughters to movies next week 'after she got paid'. Daughter-15 was hot and told her--"I'm not holding my breath--you're always lying and all you care about is OM--" W didn't text back for rest of day.

The girls and I had a really good time at the rodeo...and we didn't have to try to keep W in a good mood this year (Most every year she would get in a bad mood about rodeo--her clothes don't fit because of her weight, not comfortable with her hair or looks in general, other people at rodeo, etc.)

Maybe W was feeling guilty, but all the crappy lying and selfish obsession, etc. is really building a wedge between her and the girls.

She had originally "taken off work for Spring Break" for the girls. She was only taking them to the free park during the week because she "had no money". Once she got paid, she backed out of that 'zoo-promise' and went out of town with OM.

There are five women I have been talking to lately that are interested in dating me (or more). I've only actually been out with one of them twice, but it's nice to talk to all of them.

I'm not sure I'm ready for juggling lots of dates and all that sort of thing. But my bruised ego is feeling a little bit better.

I don't see W getting over OM -- even though my mom says "God is working" -- I wonder if He's working on finding someone else for me. I think Mom is worried I'm going to start dating lots of women again (or get sexual with them).

13 years ago when I was single I was rather wild.

[stark648]

Wife has been calling about needing to see girls more... I told her she was supposed to see them Saturday. She tried to lie about her pay-day, etc. --which I lightly corrected her on.

But then she says: "it's all about the money, isn't it?"

--like I'm part of a money-loving "Establishment" from the 60's or something.

I should have told her it seems more like "it's all about you"--or like my daughter said "it's all about OM" but I was just waking up in the AM.