Husband left me 3 months pregnant...

[Piano]

Babydoll, checking in to see how you are doing? I am missing your news.
I know you adressed this to newmama, but she's taking a DB sabbatical, so I hope you don't mind me stepping in...

From what i understand, custody for an infant is a whole different ballgame than that of children over 5? i was told infants need to bond with their mothers, especially if they are nursing them. and no judge would send an infant away on weekends, etc.

Different laws for every country, but that's exactly what my lawyer told me. If you are nursing, then especially in the first six months you feed one hour, they sleep another, and are awake the next hour.. so 3hr cycles. Your WH would have to fit in with THIS routine, and you can call the shots. After all, the courts look after baby's needs first..which is to have a routine.

Any word from WH?
If so, any word about doing more coparenting counseling? I know you cancelled that appointment.

That is not a real man, nor a real father... he thinks this baby is a toy he can drop in on anytime he is bored. I am not having it.

Yup. They say some men don't become fathers until the baby is born. It's so abstact for some of them beforehand... My WH is exactly the same...he's lving with friends who have three kids, all under 6 and a newborn...and yet he has RUN AWAY from his own. It's mindboggling.

i met with my therapist last thursday and she also suggested I email him, a) to say one last time that I do not believe D is the answer and that i do in fact still love him and wish he would work things out with me b) to briefly go over things like taxes, the house etc. He didnt write back... instead he sent several text messages saying i didnt say this or get your information correct, he wants to continue fighting. .

I know it's counterintuitive, but saying "I love you" now will fall on deaf ears and you H will do everythig he can to prove you are wrong. You can say "I do not want this divorce and I beleive our marriage can be saved", but don't talk about love to him. He can't handle it. And he KNOWS you love him.

I think you are right to continue DBing for yourself, your sanity and to build your life in case he stays his current course. But don't forget if you follow the principles of DBing, you might be able to turn him around. But it's going to take time.......

The pain is unavoidable....go through it....when you are stong again, get back on the horse. In your own time.
<<hugs>>

[Babydoll]

Piano,

I have no new news... we cant get along, we argue when we talk. It's over. there is no hope. Im so sad, i didnt even have the chance to absorb that he left me and now I will be divorced before I have our baby.

there are simply no words to describe the pain i feel. I thought i should feel better every day... nothing makes me smile. nothing can take this pain away.

[gman]

baby....have not followed your situation too closely, but your last post made me want to give you a big <<HUG>>

Be strong.

[DumpedforMIL]

so sorry to hear about your sitch.
*hugs*

be strong.
what's wrong with being friends?
don't close the door on that opportunity.
you never know what it might lead to.

there are no guarantees but it may lead you to a sense of peace.

dumped.

[Piano]

Babydoll,
No, there are no words to describe it. It's HELL. But the pain WILL subside and it WILL get easier. I know it's hard ot believe right now. You have taken a big blow and you are in shock. What he's done IS SHOCKING. Like Newmama said, he's looking for excuses to escape, he found one (your two weeks of silence, I remember) and he tried it on for size. He is doing all he can to avoid the work that long term relationships require. He's not got the guts to be there for the long haul. OW or not, he IS AFRAID, in my opinion.

You need to grieve, you need to go through the pain. It's part of healing. But when you see a little ray of relief from that pain, take it. You must take every opportunity to pick yourself up of the floor. Remove yourself from his drama and his mess. They call it "protection phase" around here.

Read, read, read as many of the other posts on this site as you can and learn what you can from the stories of other people in your situation, or coping with similar things. Don't take on all the advice, but see if anything resonnates with your situation and take notes, notes, notes. Over time, you will start to see what applies to you, what doesn't. Re-read DR.

Going into NC, protection phase is important for your own sanity. Have an intermediary be the go between you and him until you are detached enough to deal with your H. Stand back and look at things from a 360degree perspective. Don't let your feelings tell you what to do/how to deal with this. Act in a way which reflects your values and beliefs. This requires that detachement I was talking about. And you need to give yourself a few weeks I'd say to achieve it, but you can do it! And if you backslide, don't worry. Persist. One little backslide or slip up in not going to change things in the bigger scheme.

Make him realise what he is going to lose by WALKING AWAY FROM HIM.
Your email to him about wanting to keep the marriage was a good one, but you need to tell him you wont put up with his mess anymore, and so you are removing yourself completely from him. You can tell him you will contact him via email, or sms, (or phone if you want but you sound too upset right now to be exposed to this) - or perhaps better, an intermediary, like your sister or a good friend - about financial matters and the baby.
Have you read the protection phase letters on this site?
I'll try find you one and post it in.

BIG HUGS.

[Babydoll]

thanks everyone...
is it strange that i still feel like we could make it work if he only got out of his bubble?

we have been communicating for th epast 3 days, and this time its not only me texting calling and emailing. he still says he doesnt have feeling for me, but if i get upset or hand up he is calling or texting back. i know i know... i should not have any communication with him.

today he stopped by the house to pick up papers an i was working from home. i had every opportunity to be sweet and charming and my old nice self, and what starts out sweet ends up a bit tense. no screaming, but i cant help asking questions. i am no professional but he seems so scared, and like he had a nervous breakdown. he swears this is no OW and is still at his parents and is in school and will be busy studying for boards til the end of this summer. he seems completely stressed out and i cant help but thing that between the pregnancy, and his school program and having no financial means between the two of us that he is completely freaked out.

my heart breaks for him.

he wrote me today and said he did love me and was in love with me and when he started to feel something was missing between us that it was just a rough patch, his words exactly... "i thought that we were indestructable and it would get better or fix itself". he claims he loved me so much and yet he also said maybe i didnt love you the way love is supposed to be.

what does that mean!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! if he thought we were indestructable why would he them destroy it all himself! why cant he see that we are still the same two people and he can fix things! i hear DR/DB words pop in my head that i need to back off and let him miss me or see what life is like without me...

i also feel that if he loved me and i truly think he did love me, the right way too, than he can get that back. problem is that i dont know if there is something i can do to make him see that.

how is it that he loved me enough in the fall to say to me that we should start a family, and then two months later get so freaked out that he had to leave.

should i just give up? do i continue DBing and wish for miracle and hope for a day when i can burn these D papers over a candle lit dinner?!?!?!?

i am so confused...

[gatsby11]

Hi Babydoll,

I don't really have much to offer. I don't know what these WHs are doing, and I don't think they know what they're doing either.
I like your question-- should I just give up?... or hope for a day when I can burn these D papers over a candle-lit dinner?

I don't know.

My choice is to do neither, if that's possible. I'm just letting time do its thing. My shower is coming up soon, and I'm so excited for that. I'm starting my cello lessons soon, thinking of the tattoo I'm going to get when I'm done breastfeeding, thinking about my post-birth haircut, and all kinds of stuff like that. To me, that's the best. I am trying hard not to think about him. My story changed a bit this week (I posted one day, somewhere and am about to add more :)), but at the same time, nothing really changed. I'm still here in my apartment, just the baby and me! But I have to be happy here.

Thoughts of being together:

+ When he first meets the baby, his feelings may change.
+ As the baby grows and becomes more like a little person, his feelings may change.
+ When the holidays come up again, his feelings may change.
+ More NC time may prompt his feelings to change.

Thoughts of myself:

+ I'm going to have the best post-baby body I can have!
+ In ten years, I believe I will find love. Either WH or someone else.
+ Someday I will have a lot of advice for younger women who are going through the situation I am now.
+ Right now, presently exactly, I am okay. I've got friends and a baby on the way!

I don't know if any of this helps you. I hope somehow it does! I just want you to know that others are definitely thinking of you. And, like Piano said, it WILL get easier for all of us. It can't get much worse from here. I comfort myself knowing that I've been through the worst already. I can handle anything now! We all can.

I'll go now. Hope your baby is kicking a lot!

[Piano]

Babydoll, woah... didn't expect to be reading this.

Okay... first of all you need to show your WH that you are strong. He is clearly not strong today and is in his "fog" It's YOU that needs to be strong, for YOU first, him SECOND.

Don't read too much into his email...Let him figure himself out.

This could be a sign that his fog is lifting, but don't trust it and don't invest in it. Keep an EYE on it.

And yes, avoid commuinication unless it is going to show you in a positive and strong light (hanging up - I did it all the time - but it's lack of control).

Ignore his texts. And the 2nd. Reply to the third. He's DIVORCING you remember? Don't initiate contact. If you do communicate be civil, even friendly, but scarce on words. Make him earn your respect.

Have you thought of getting a DB coach?

[Piano]

i cant help asking questions.

This is persuing behaviour, Babydoll. Stop it with the questions. I don't mean to sound hard, but I am worried about your ability to control yourself. I can see ME in you. I can't stop myself either.. but it's controlling, and it means you are not letting go...

i cant help but thing that between the pregnancy, and his school program and having no financial means between the two of us that he is completely freaked out.

Yes, sounds like too much pressure, but he has to man-up, not run back to his parents. Look at you - you're the pregnant one doing it alone in your apartment... You're being the adult here.

my heart breaks for him

I worry that we women worry too much about our men. I KNOW what you mean. I have the same feelings for my WAH who I think is also a having a breakdown, but it doesn't seem healthy for me to be shedding tears for them right now... They are adults, not children. [/quote]

he wrote me today and said he did love me and was in love with me and when he started to feel something was missing between us that it was just a rough patch, his words exactly... "i thought that we were indestructable and it would get better or fix itself". he claims he loved me so much and yet he also said maybe i didnt love you the way love is supposed to be.

what does that mean!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This IS very confusing..Can you type it out verbatim?

why cant he see that we are still the same two people and he can fix things!

He's not there yet...that's why you have to be lovingly detached....

problem is that i dont know if there is something i can do to make him see that.

The best thing right now might be to do nothing, or very little. Be calm. Avoid bad communication. Don't persue. If he wants to talk about the relationship, then listen to him, validate what he says, don't argue or try to convince him of anyting. He's not ready...

[Piano]

Babydoll - how are you? I hope you are taking care and looking after yourself. Yesterday I was pretty down in the dumps, being the weekend and all and missing my H, and a friend came over and we started sorting through baby clothes. It was heaps of fun and I laughed and smiled. What a relief from the hard work of trying to 'save' my M. I realised afterwards I had more strength because of the good time I'd just had. Anyway, I know you know this, cos you're a smart one, but I just wanted to share...

Also, no sitch is the same but I have found mb28's thread, How Do I Expose The Affair, full of great advice if you wanna find it and take a peek.

I just read this and am posting it cos it reassured me this morning and reminded me not to give up because of the WORDS they are saying:


Today - by Allen A to mb28

"mb28 I think we need to remember that your H is wayward right now and what he SAYS ins't worth anything...

I think we need to understand the feelings he's trying to convey

"I'm done" = I feel hopeless
"We just need to move on" = I am emotionally exhausted
"Divorce is the only answer" = I am frustrated beyond measure

So, don't take him at his word, he's trying to tell you how he's feeling right now...

Don't believe a word of it at face value.

I fought an affair in my home for three years off and on... do you know how many time's I heard "I am done" or "It's over"... ?

Well, that all started 3.5 years ago and she's sitting in the next room from me reading a book. Not a pair of socks has left the relationship as of yet and she's planning on expanding her garden in our back yard.

You can't take what they say at face value. When someone is wayward their emotions are in flux and those FEELINGS are all that matters to them... and they are clumsy at expressing those feelings and end up scaring, confusing, and hurting people.

Do NOT take the words seriously."