Tristan, first off, congratulations on getting this far!
While I'd agree that your W will need to accept your timeline, the reverse is also true: you will need to accept hers. If she's anything like my H when he recommitted to the marriage, she'll go through a period of walking on eggshells, of not wanting to talk about it, of see-sawing ups and downs that gradually stabilize to a clearer, happier self. Again, it may be up to 2 years before she's really able to understand what she's done, talk about it, apologize fully, and finally begin to forgive herself. You will both have to be very gentle with each other.
Forgiveness IS very hard, for it implies that you've worked your way through all sorts of conflicting emotions, and will not bring the subject up again to use against her. It takes a long time to get to that point, so you don't want to rush the process and leave anything festering inside you. If you like, there's a wonderful forgiveness programme that I found was amazingly helpful. You can find it at www.abuddhistlibrary.com. When you get there, search "Forgiveness of others" & select the top entry, Folder C:\My Documents. Then look under "Forgiveness" at "Material from Guy Pettitt" to find "The Forgiveness of Others Process."
Take your time working through the 17 steps. When I found I was too angry to continue, I'd let it wait a few weeks before continuing. The program is comprehensive and challenges you to examine every aspect of how your life has been affected--and then reframe what you've learned throughout your journey in a positive, affirming way.
Anyhow, now you have that option if you're interested.
Welcome to piecing tristan. I know I've seen you around Newcomers but don't think I've read your story.
Are you and W in MC? Have you done something else to actively work on repairing your M?
I swear by two books: Not Just Friends and After the Affair. BF and I read both and worked through the exercises in ATA in lieu of MC. It was difficult and painful but absolutely necessary for me to get on board with putting this R back on track. Additionally, NJF really helped BF see what I was going through so he has been incredibly understanding with my emotional outbursts and bouts of uncertainty.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
Tristan, Like Bond said, she's going to have to understand that you're not beating her up about it, but for YOU to heal from her betrayal, it will take a long time. This isn't her timeline, it's yours.
And for someone to try to convince you that YOU don't need what you need to heal because it makes THEM uncomfortable just isn't going to cut it.
Not saying beat her up about it, but calmly discuss it with her. And 2 hours of this stuff at 2 am is not good. Maybe you could see if she'd be more receptive to setting aside one time each week or two to have a discussion where she answers your questions. And put a time limit on it. Say.. one hour.
This stuff is emotionally exhausting, for both of you. But it can't be all you discuss. She will probably be more ok with it if you tell her you still have questions YOU need answered to be able to move on, but that you don't want it to be the only thing you talk about.....and then suggest the once per week or two idea.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
