I have been reading a lot of comments on the exposure of an affair, and am frustrated by the misunderstandings surrounding it as a technique to end an affair. I think it needs its' own thread.
I hope to clarify what exposure is and how/when it is to be used. First by giving my opinion on it and then fine tuning my opinion based upon your experiential anecdotes and readings of experts on infidelity.
I have seen the following misconceptions discussed, so I will start with what exposure is not.
1. Exposure is not something you threaten. You do it, swiftly and completely, without warning.
2. Exposure is not to be done with a bullhorn. It is carefully planned and executed to select family, friends, and coworkers, to seek support of the marriage.
3. Exposure is not a form of revenge. It is not done in anger. It is done calmly and respectfully.
4. Exposure is not done to hurt the affair couple. It is not done to make people mad at the couple and cause drama. It is done to shine light on hurtful and deceitful behavior.
5. Exposure is not for the weak. It takes GUTS. Mainly because it probably will push the AP's together for a time, but that time will include much negative drama and conflict between them.
I'll detail my own exposure intervention later. gotta run for now.
Let me know what you think and please add to my list.
"If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine!" 1st thread
Excellent introductory post on this subject... very well done.
I will add in the case of the third party violating the marriage if you can humiliate them in their workplace, particularly if they hold a position in public profile, you aren't likley to get support, but it will often put PRESSURE on the affair...
so in that case it may need to be done with more force.. "Stay away from my wife you sleazy creep" shouted in the middle of an office riddled with cubicles is not going to get you any support, but it MAY drive the OP away.. public humiliation of the third party is powerful leverage in some cases.. in some cases it wont' matter.. particularly if the only people you can humiliate them in front of are just as immature as they are...
The dynamics of exposure, and the approaches to it vary dramatically depending on who the audience is.
Exposure to your friends and your family is an entirely different business...
And no, its not easy, I have read many cases o this forum where the LBS was very apprehensive about this route...
And I don't believe MWD advocated this anywhere in her writing.. I could be wrong, but I don't recall seeing anything from her advocating this technique...
Quite interested in your detailed exposure. Really good topic, Pls keep writing. Gives me hope.
After I posted this, I caught a heated discussion on this topic on another thread, and it scared me off!
But for you, here's what happened to me.
After my H left to move into the scuzzy motel w/OW, I made a list of who could help me and who would not. I began calling those I thought might help. I wrote out a little speech so that I would not get all emotional. I simply said, H is having an affair w/ OW. I want to save my marriage and keep my family intact. I would appreciate your help in encouraging H to do the right thing, dump OW, and return to our family. I also sent OW an email saying Please respect our family, marriage, and 23 year relationship and end you involvement with H.
Needless to say H was upset. He began to realize I did love him. (He had convinced himself or she had convinced him that I did not care about him) When he confronted me, I explained that I would do exactly what I vowed to do when we were married. For better or worse. If he were on drugs or the bottle, I would do the same.
This did not end their affair. Although many times it is enough to.
What did it do? For me, it gave me some power. I took my stand, everyone new where I stood. H had tried to tell some folks, we were having "marital difficulties". Nope! The dope was fooling around!
Exposure took the romance out of their sails a bit. Now they had a seedy affair and were hurting people. Most people now see them for who are, not some fairytale lovers. Some of these people are still polite to them, some antagonistic, but most have distanced themselves from them.
In contacting OW, I let her know I was standing my ground, and would not allow her fantasy of replacing me in my life occur. I am sure she is beginning to see that. A year and a half later, still in the scuzzy motel, has to be getting to her, while I am in the big house with cars and the money. I doubt that means too much to her but who knows. I am sure she has given him the "I don't need money to be happy, this is home to me now" crip but it has to be wearing thin. The cracks will show eventually.
Exposure in my opinion is necessary if the A is ongoing. If it has already ended, there isn't much point.
If exposure is threatened, you have already taken half the wind from the sails of it. Affair partners will quickly do a pre-emptive strike, and tell people you are crazy, miserable, whatever will suit their story. Be first, Be respectful. and then get out of the way.
"If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine!" 1st thread
"Try to duck the backlash when it comes... it's very upsetting."
Yeah. That's why I recommended "get out of the way."
Other than the OW H, the OW's family wants to believe the best of her. So do friends. If I hear one more time that "they are good people in a bad situation" I will barf. Good people do not break up families and cause trauma to children.
"True Love"....thanks Hollywood and Harlequin!
"If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine!" 1st thread
Poor choices and intent to hurt those you love are that. Sweeping it under the table with terms does not change the fact that they decided to follow a path that hurts you and your children. It is a choice. Not just one choice but a 1000 little choices that were made. It does not just happen.
Death by a thousand cuts.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
There are so many variables ... exposure can be a crap shoot. I agree with the "blood is thicker than water." My in-laws thankfully didn't take that route. Told me they thought H had been a real idiot. Of course it helps that I've always had a good relationship with them.
But if you expose and the family does not react as you expect, and you get a reaction like "these things just happen" or, you're made out to be the bad guy for exposing, what then? Doesn't that help to validate the A to the affair partners?
You will really know where you stand with people! And who your "real" friends are.
How can you be the bad guy asking for support of your marriage?
"Doesn't that help to validate the A to the affair partners?" They will twist everything to their own perspective anyway. I don't believe most affairs can survive the light of day. Whatever that light is.
Because it will cause some turmoil, it is important for the BS to get out of the way. This is a good time to go dark. At least while it hits the fan.
"If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine!" 1st thread
