A new battle begins

[Tomato]

welcome to piecing, the most difficult stage of them all, t.

T

[tristan]

Thank you Tomato. Does everyone find this stage the most difficult? I don't believe I have yet. Whenever I get upset or discouraged; all I have to do is think back to the darkest days and I appreciate and am thankful for where I am. It may not be far enough into the piecing, but it has been nearly half a year since we got back together.

How long have you been at this Tomato?

[Tomato]

How long have you been at this Tomato?

Piecing is for life man. A lifetime challenge ..marathon-like.

Not that I went back to look at my first thread but I believe that it would that the initial 'collapse' of my M was in about Spring of '05. Walkaway numero une of a whole slew of them.

T

[Hope4us]

Tristan, Like others have mentioned, Piecing is the HARDEST part of these sitch's.

All those thoughts you mention are par for the course. I haven't been at this as long as Tomato, but since 07 and there are still times I struggle. Last night in fact. But like you mentioned, they get shorter and shorter and less severe as time goes by.

One thing I do want to mention. On another site I read quite a bit, it's said that at the 6 month mark post discovery (post bomb, post A, whatever you want to say), the LBS usually goes through a very angry period. This was a big help to me to know this because I was prepared for it and didn't let it derail our recovery, cause it could have very easily.

I think you should not overwhelm your W every time you're feeling down or angry, etc, but sometimes, yes, it's ok. If your marriage is going to be great in the future, your W has to accept her responsibility and help you deal with what you're going through. If she doesn't, there will be problems down the road.

If you want more encouragement, go to my thread. It's back a number of pages as I don't post as much as I used to.

H4U.

[dday101798]

Ahhh, what I meant to say was..........

I think you should not overwhelm your W every time you're feeling down or angry, etc, but sometimes, yes, it's ok. If your marriage is going to be great in the future, your W has to accept her responsibility and help you deal with what you're going through. If she doesn't, there will be problems down the road..

Along that line.

[maple]

Hi Tristan,

I haven't been piecing long... almost 3 months.

I find my anxiety, anger, doubt and all the negative emotions seem to worsen when I don't address the little things that bother me. All the little things start adding up and become big things which leads to my feelings of resentment, anger and then those negative emotions regarding the affair come flooding back. H and I are trying to have what our MC calls daily "T" time for about 10-15 mins a day. I have to say it is hard for us to put aside that small amount of time each day for us to talk about "how our day made us feel" but we are getting better at it. If we don't have our daily talks and we let it slide for 3-4 days, I find that those little things that bother me start building up and then I am on the path to having those negative emotions. H senses my negativity and he pulls back, I sense his withdrawal which I associate to feelings of when he was in the midst of the affair. I get upset and it is a vicious cycle and we end up having a big tension blowout which could have been prevented.

I never thought maintaining a healthy relationship would be so much work. Changing our ways so we don't go down the same path again.

[dday101798]

Yes, maintaining a healty relationship can be work. I was SOOOO guilty of not asking (x)W about her days before. Certainly she would tell me anyway, but over time it came to boil her that I never in fact asked about her day.

I'm still not perfect at it now, but when I do, I get a wwarm little smile from her, so she knows I'm trying.

[tristan]

Well we had a talk last night about all that happened how she felt at times, why she left, what kept it from becoming sexual, timelines of when things occurred, etc. She was exhausted, upset and irritated at the end, saying "I know you are curious. But when will we be done? I feel like I am being grilled. I cheated and I lied. What else do you want? That is the nature of things; cheaters lie. That is what they do. I am sorry."

She wonders how the details help me. I sometimes wonder too, but they do. I think it may be a world that she never let me into, but I always knew was there. I am finally being allowed. Nothing surprises me anymore and the fact that she is finally letting me in makes me feel good. I was not angry. I was just as she said "simply curious".

But in the end when she was frustrated and obviously upset, I felt very bad. I understand that I haven't been able to completely let go yet. I feel week for not being able to do it; how hard can it be to just forgive and move on?

Hope all is well with the rest of you.

[MrBond]

It is said that people who have betrayed by an A will have the hurt feelings lasting 2 years or more. She is going to have to understand that YOU are the one who was hurt and healing. Not the other way around.

How much is enough? That's not even a question. Only time is going to get rid of those insecurities. You are still living with the fear that she could do this again. That's just the way it is. SHE has to continue to reassure you again and again. Not the other way around.

Check out some of the sites online that deal with the healing of infidelity. survivinginfidelity.com is a great place to start.

There's a healing library on there that will explain what you and her are going through. It's not going to be an overnight change in attitude. If she is truly truly remorseful, she will go according to YOUR timeline, NOT HERS.

[tristan]

Hello Mr Bond,

She has bee. This quote was at 2AM after over 2 hours of discussion of her being completely open and frank. I think I can allow her to be tired and frustrated at that point.

I felt bad for her. I don't like to see her hurting. I don't think that is a bad thing.

Thank you for the link.