Just another broken heart

[lees]

Now have the separation papers. Am considering agreeing to her "amicable" separation if she agrees to attend some relationship counselling sessions with me. Unsure if this is wise either in total, or due to the fact that she's still very loved up with the OM.

Any views?

[saffie]

If you go to some C sessions make sure they are with a pro M C; shop around. Coming from another Brit, avoid Relate. The evidence I have seen from friends I have that have used them is that they tend toward moving for D too easily. My Therapist told me to steer well clear of them even though he was MY therapist and did not do couples work. His experience from talking to patients/ clients, was that Relate's M saving rate wasn't fantastic

[lees]

How do you find a pre marriage counsellor? I did initially go to Relate for my first sessions alone.

It seems I've been doing 180s for a bit myself before finding this place. She said I'd NEVER go to relationship counselling (even though she never asked me outright) so I booked it straight after she ended it. I moved out calmly even though she had expected me to rant and rave and throw things.

So should I ask my solicitor to ask her to agree to some MC? And will it be of any use whilst she's still in the fog with my colleague?

[saffie]

Just to clarify, is OM someone you still work with?

Whilst your W is in the throws of passion of an early A there is little point in suggesting MC at all to her. Her head is not with you at this point.

I would suggest that you work on you for the moment - get yourself in a good place to mentally deal with it all. For me to get the therapy I needed I got my GP to refer me to a clinical psychologist, (which I think may mean seeing a psychiatrist first possibly to just make sure you don't need medication and that therapy is the right course of action). I went down the Cognitive Behavioural Therapy route and it really helped me view things differently in life and change my outlook and attitude. My H noticed these changes.

Sadly, I think timing has a large part to play. My H's A had reached a point where the initial love endorphins were wearing off, and the reality of what my H would have to do, (the enourmity of it all), to be with OW, plus the pressure from OW, (she had left her H and two young children ready to be with him), was getting to him. To then have me telling him how much I wanted him and our M stopped him in his tracks. He wanted time to choose and I said no. I exposed the A to everyone who didn't know about it and told him to make a choice.

Now that doesn't work for everyone.....and it was truly explosive for a while. I didn't know which way the chips were going to fall , but luck was on my side. Once my H recomitted to the M we have never looked back.

Anyways, enough about my sitch. Is the OM in yours single? Have you thought about exposing about the A at OM's work?

I get the feeling at the moment if you just asked your W to make a straight choice she would feel she had done that already, so that is not a good idea.

If you are in this for the long haul then I would not focus on your W too much but work on yourself. Don't keep temperature checking the R the whole time as there will be ups and downs. Give her some time to see the not so good sides of the OM if you can, OR possibly try to bust the A up by making it very public at OM and your W's workplaces. This will get very angry responses though for a while and does not guarantee in any way that your W will want to come back.

Come back with your thoughts on my suggestions.

[lees]

I do have to work with the OM yes, he was a colleague that became a close friend in fact. I suspect they were having EA for about 3 months before the split. Both deny any thoughts about it or any PA prior to the bomb. When I introduced them at a work function I noticed the spark, but was pleased that the W was making new friends as she had been saying that she had lost so many when the take-over at her workplace decimated her close circle there. The OM had an extensive history of manipulative behaviour - has indeed wrecked 2 previous marriages (I have since found this out - would've thought twice about introducing them or encouraging their friendship if I'd known, but I was in a new city, keen to make friends etc). He was single - although only v recently - at Christmas he was at our house crying on the kitchen table about his last gf who had allegedly been The One and broken his heart. Both the WAW and the OM have modus operandi of jumping straight out of one relationship into the next. The only one where that didn't happen was the WAW and me. Previously she's had 3yr relationships which have generally ended when she started having an affair at the point she felt the relationship was over. I know she always regretted not ending things before that happened, and maybe she ended our marriage as an attempt to correct that behaviour in some way.

My/the OM workplace know as I needed to have time off work to cope. Needless to say everyone must remain professional (as docs in the ER it really is a matter of life and death), although I know my closer colleagues are disgusted by his behaviour privately. I have also heard that his hope of a permanent consultant position may now be in jeapordy as the previous marriages he wrecked also significantly impacted on working relationships in the dept and no-one wants to hire that! I also exposed the W to her family the day after I found out - about which she was understandably incredibly angry. But after we got married they're my family too so I don't feel unjustified in telling them who their daughter really is. Her family have been incredibly supportive to me, apologising for her behaviour, helping me move house twice in the last 2 months and continually inviting me to visit them. I also expect that her work colleagues are aware of what is going on. I asked her what she had told all of them and she said "the truth" whatever she feels that is. Apparently they are all "in agreement and incredibly supportive of me" and she "hopes that I am having a similar amount of support." A mutual friend of the OM told me a few weeks ago "well it's fine surely if you're marriage was over - that had nothing to do with N, and besides, if they're in love it's the right thing...." Have to say I was deeply disturbed by that attitude and decided not to bother with that friendship!

So exposure is as complete as I can make it I think. They both keep emphasising that they've done nothing wrong, even though I've pointed out many a time that it is wrong just from the commonly accepted idiom that you don't sleep with your mate's wife/ex wife or as a colleague sleep with your colleague's wife/ex wife, or as a wife sleep with your ex's mate and colleague within 3 weeks of the end of the marriage! They are both totally unashamed and happily booking holidays and expensive weekends away and concerts as far ahead as November. Looks like they're in for the long haul. W has swopped like for like in some ways - career, qualifications, likes cooking and food, travel. But then my complete opposite in others - the OM is obsessed with appearance and expense, has £5000 shoes etc. The WAW is usually found in soccer kit and scabby trainers, hates shopping and is very outdoorsy and sports mad. The OM wouldn't want to break a nail, let alone spend the evening at the in-laws farm building sheep pens, and a football match would be completely out of the question as it's far too common a pastime.....

I'm in this for the long haul. I have 2 yrs before we can actually be divorced as we were only married such a short time and she's refused to admit unreasonable behaviour. I'm very much seeing in the WAW a complete change in character, almost tantamount to a breakdown. Other people have said the same, including her family. She's become a completely different person to the one I met those years ago. Not thinking in the same way, not doing the same things/hobbies, and all this suddenly giving up on her most strong impulse which was always to have a family. She's said to me she's given up on that ideal now apparently.

I'm looking after myself. I'm back to work again on Monday after a 2 week break. I've joined a rambling group, spent lots of time out with my friends, booked a kitesurfing holiday and been travelling to see my mates in other parts of the UK. I've got a decent house, and it's clean & tidy (which I'm sure would bash the necessary holes in her twisted logic that I hate housework and am some nasty slob placed on the earth to drive her insane via undiagnosed OCD). I've been exercising and kept off the weight that I lost in the first month after the split. I'm aiming to lose some more. I think this is the only way forwards too - either I'll meet someone else fantastic because I've got positive vibes, or the WAW will have an epiphany. Either way, I hope to end up happy, and have the family that I crave also.

I think you're right. At the moment she is in the fog with the OM living it up. The OM told me when I confronted that "your marriage was over 13 months ago when you moved in together, I had nothing to do with it." Interesting why the W bothered to marry me 7 months after "it was over" so I've no idea what pack of lies and deceit and twisted reality is going on between them. I don't think any direct questioning will get through. I'm maintaining my rules of no contact, although have to send her a list of expenses she owes me for work done on her rental property to make it habitable whilst I was living there for a couple of weeks after we split. I think I will do this by post.

Should I answer if she phones or contacts me or just ignore it?

[saffie]

Should I answer if she phones or contacts me or just ignore it?

That really depends on how you are feeling mentally at the time to cope with contact with her.

What I would say though is to try and treat her, (when you do have contact), as you would a distant friend or an acquaintance. Be polite and pleasant but don't go out of your way for her.

[Wired]

I think you're right. At the moment she is in the fog with the OM living it up. The OM told me when I confronted that "your marriage was over 13 months ago when you moved in together, I had nothing to do with it." Interesting why the W bothered to marry me 7 months after "it was over" so I've no idea what pack of lies and deceit and twisted reality is going on between them.

Wow, your a bigger man then I, I probably would have beat the crap out of him right there and then before he spoke the last word.
Good luck in your stitch.

[lees]

It was on the phone - so I'm not sure I'm any less a person than you Wired! I'm still having fantasies about sharpened bicycle spokes, guns, explosives and painful methods to wreak revenge!

But have managed another day of being dark, helped by having to spend 13hrs on call at work - haven't stopped even for a cuppa all day. Still, surviving the first day back and on call is a small triumph for me. First real step back to reality.

Debating when to send the tab for all the work I paid for at her rental house. Could really use the £1000 at the moment to get a working car, but at the same time don't want to initiate any contact. Necessary evil I suppose.

[lees]

Well my nasty manipulative wife stealing colleague is very much having a tough time at work. Silent treatment and apparently can cut the air with a knife every time he walks into the room. It's vindictive, but knowing this makes me feel good!

[Awoken]

hi lees; just wanted to drop you note of support. I've been following your short thread. Many more read these threads than post. I don't have much to add, other than a quick "hang in there".