Fast track to her divorcing me

[dday101798]

You won't have to force anything and you certainly won't be thinking about your ex at all. That's pretty much when it's been long enough.

I would not be too certain of this.

[g450]

Just journaling:

Talked to an old family friend of mine and my XW's. She tells me that my XW refuses to talk about our divorce or even what is going on in her life with her.

Our old friend sensed something wasnt right and asked her if they were still friends or not (point blank) and my XW just gave her the usual brush off. "We can talk later" etc.

Seems my XW is shunning even old long term friends in favor of her high school facebook re-aquantences from 30+ years ago. This side of her really creeps me out. Im sure her old HS friends think she is a darling since that is the way she presents herself to them electronically.

These people do not know her nor does she know them but she does not get this. This was over 30 YEARS ago for crying out loud! It reeks of MLC. This can't be good for her and Im afraid it will come back to hurt her somehow when reality sets in (if ever).

Other than this and her destroying our marriage she appears to lead a normal professional life at work. Or at least I pray this is the case as she is only 2 years away from retirment. I do not want her to screw this up for herself.

But since going from Grey to Dark I now have no clue what she is up to. And I should not care. That's what going dark is for, detachment!

My new hobby is spending time with my own new friend. She is a breath of fresh air in my life and takes all this nonsense out of my mind. At least temporarily. I am working on making this indiference permanent but still have a long way to go. Im guessing at least a year maybe but time has no meaning for me right now.

[Cautious]

Some people can smell fear, you can smell MLC? Haha!

It seems it's all too easy to take a trip back in time when you catch up with old friends, until they see your life as it really is now. She's probably guarding against that, though, by keeping her guard up and telling lavish stories about her successes. Did she, by chance, ever go to any HS reunions? If not, they have no idea what she's up to, she can tell them anything. If so, they only have a vague idea and probably think it's as great as she says it is. She likely won't let them get close enough to see the truth for what it really is.

Some people don't really want people to be close to them until there's no one left to get close to. Not to bring this to my sitch, but it definitely seems like ExCautious is making certain none of his surroundings get too close to the truth about himself either.

[g450]

Oh yeah, she goes to ALL her reunions (she says). I guess she is one of those people who peaked in HS.

She has a yearbook and ring for each year she was there.

Last reunion she went to she got home (her Mom's house) at 3AM. Back then I had a fear of an affair but could not prove anything. She brushed it off as me being insecure and jealous. And she may have been right. Will never know now. And at this point it's water under the bridge. She is no longer mine.

I noticed that she is putting on a lot of weight lately so Im not sure she will go to the next ones (June and Sep). We will see. I exercise and she eats junk food now. I thought it was supposed to be the other way around?

On her clasmates.com page she put that she continued her education. The reality is that she did a couple of months and then dropped out.

I also noticed that she stopped going to church even though she swears she goes every Sun. Seems she has turned into a habitual liar now as well.

But there I go obsesing over her again. When will I ever learn LOL. Going back to detachment mode.

[Cautious]

All MLCers lie. Again, it's something you have to decide if you're going to forgive or walk away from.

Forgiveness gives me more peace, but I feel I have to expose lies in order to forgive them. Sometimes I wish ExCautious would at least ASK for forgiveness. But I know I have a breaking point that's getting closer, and I know that if I walk away that I did the right thing.

[g450]

Yeah I asked her one day what the sermon was about when I caught her in a lie. She always gets that glazed over look when she lies and cant look you in the eyes. I know her too well.

Thing is that her lies are more amusing to me now than anything else. I pity her for feeling she has to do it. I do not see the point in her lying about stuff like this. Who is she trying to convince? Me? herself? Who knows.

The only thing that really bothers me about it is that I do not know how far back and how deep all her lies are. I will never know this. And this goes back to me wanting closure.

What's that old saying? "The truth shall set you free"?

I swore to myself that any future relationship I am in I will demand full disclusure no matter what. I will not accept anything less than total honesty from now on from any friend or lover.

[Cautious]

Going into future relationships with that attitude can be somewhat scary on the part of the OP. If I were just beginning a R with someone and they demanded to know everything about me immediately, I would be terrified, and probably offer TMI about my bathroom habits in hopes not to cross the line drawn for me.

I hope that you tread lightly and learn to trust again, g450. Give others the room they need to breathe and make mistakes because no one is perfect. I could do well to take my own advice here.

[g450]

Yeah, I hear ya Cautious.

I don't mean that I am going to interogate every woman in my life about her past etc.

What I meant was that I want her to be open and up front about how she feels about me and what she thinks about me.

My female friend is such a person. I never ask her about her past but she volunteers it to me because she is in healing mode like me. We are totally honest with each other. If I do something she doesnt like she calls me on it. I LOVE THIS about her. She is the best friend I have ever had for this reason.

Now if my future lover / GF / wife were this way I think we could make it through anything.

And I know nobody is perfect. I have a lot of flaws myself that I am working on but all are minor mox-nix stuff.

I have realistic expectatins and will go into any future relationship with an open mind as well as an open heart.

Thx

[g450]

OMG, Major event today.

I may or may not have the closure I have been looking for.

Me and XW had a phone discussion today. She brought up once again how she wants me to move on with my life etc.

I told her I needed closure from her to do that sucessfully.

Then she dropes me another bomb. She basically tells me that she married me out of convenience and wanted to leave after my Son was grown. She changed her name because she still loved her first husband.

Here is the problem with this. She DID NOT actually say that to me she just agreed to it since I told her that all this was my own rationalization behind what she did.

At this point I think I could have said anything and she would have agreed to it to bring me closure. So Im right back to where I started from. Do not know if she is just agreeing with me or if this is the truth.

Man why do I keep doing this to myself. I need to just forget about her and concentrate on my friends and maybe dating or something. At least I will spend the night with a friend. She will take my mind off of all this BS at least for today.

FWIW, XW did volunteer that she is not seeing an OP. But it goes back to what they say about MLCers. Trust none of what they say and only half of what they do.

Either way two facts remain. One is that she wants nothing to do with me and, Two, I need to detach from her to the point where I just do not give a sh**. Just not there yet and may never be. This is why I can relate to Cautious. I guess Im just not as strong as I thought I was. But I am in a better place now than before.

I guess it's true what they say. It really does take at least a year or more to get over this.

[Wholeagain]

Hey g,

You are still fresh into it. Don't beat yourself up for it. Can you go NC? They more you want to get a closure from her, the less successful you are in detaching.

Enjoy your weekend!