flowmom | need to commit to myself

[Cautious]

I remember reading about the soft start up in the 8 Rules book... I tried putting it into practice but I've always been somewhat of a harsh starter upper I guess. Good luck!

What do you mean by building on his communications?

Either which way, at least you have a plan... I barely have a pl-.

[june72]

Flow if a D were to occur- it does not mean that the relationship recovery chances are done. There is a whole section here dedicated to D'ed but not done.

Perhaps your husband will eventually see the ridiculous in all of this. He obviously is not thinking straight.

Anyhow, your priority of course has to be the responsible parent and make sure your children are cared for financially.
I have seen too many stories on this board where a person was too afraid to legally protect themselves financially afraid it would get the D ball rolling only to end up in dire financial straights. Sometimes bankruptcy.

BTW, was the $3000 Canadian dollars? What is the exchange rate now?

[motherof3]

Flow - Just wanted to chime in.

Re: attny

Be sure to interview/meet with more than one. You mentioned April 9th is when you have an appointment with one. What about meeting with someone else before then? Then you can compare notes.

Also - The hourly rate you have been given seems reasonable.
Retainer amounts can very from location to location. In my area $2,500-$3,500 (USD)is about average. However, I do know a DBer who paid a $7,500 retainer, which is about average in his area.

In my sitch I have spoken to a couple of L's. I know who I will retain when the time comes. Meeting with the L's was a painful process because it made my sitch seem so much more real. At the same time, it was a relief to know that someone is lined up to fight for me.

This is the part of your sitch that you need to treat in a business like manner.

(((Flow)))

[flowmom]

What do you mean by building on his communications?

The coach suggested that when he brings up a topic by email or in person, to follow up on it and continue the thread of communication, even if it's a difficult topic. I haven't been good about this. I'm scared stiff of talking about anything and I'm sure that's becoming obvious to H. I never phone him, rarely email him, and when he tries to talk about things I usually cut things short or request that he email me about it -- in a pleasant way, but still. It's tricky because even pleasant chats can end up with talk about the future with D hanging heavily in the air or me briefly expressing my fears (like having to sell our apartment).

[Coach]

Jaime, this is the challenge. To love your H AND set appropriate boundaries and take care of yourself. Resentment and whining in your head doesn't get you further ahead in DBing or in taking care of yourself. I KNOW that you have 101 reasons to feel have those thoughts and feelings. But the challenge here isn't just changing the outer you, it's changing the inner you. And that takes a lot of reflection, soul-searching, processing, emotional work, etc.

Flowmom, I truly hope this is what you are doing for yourself.

Cheers

[flowmom]

3 things for Flo yesterday:

1. went for a 15 min run
2. chanted for 5 minutes
3. bought jeans and 2 feminine, fitted jackets at the thrift store

3 things for Flo today:

1. talk on phone with supportive sister (done)
1. chant for 5 minutes
2. do 20 min of yoga

[flowmom]

Jaime, this is the challenge. To love your H AND set appropriate boundaries and take care of yourself. Resentment and whining in your head doesn't get you further ahead in DBing or in taking care of yourself. I KNOW that you have 101 reasons to feel have those thoughts and feelings. But the challenge here isn't just changing the outer you, it's changing the inner you. And that takes a lot of reflection, soul-searching, processing, emotional work, etc.

Flowmom, I truly hope this is what you are doing for yourself.

Yes I am doing this for myself or I would feel like a fraud posting that on Jaime's thread .

[rr22]

Congrats on the yoga today. Add a 15 minute walk to it.

[Marked&Healed]

So glad to see you're doing those things for yourself. Take good care of you, that's so important. You're so sweet to have commented on my thread. And I also am afraid to talk to DH - but it's important that we do - within the bounds of what we're attempting to do here, of course. (not saying pursuing R talk)

DH tried to talk to me two weeks ago and I told him I was too afraid to hear what he had to say and he wound up going for a "ride" which I now suspect may have been him visiting a friend (not confirmed OW at all, but suspected now)

Take a deep breath, go through some scripts in your head so you're ready. The more you practice, the more relaxed you will be.

[ImprovedRomeo]

flowmom, good job on the activities. Have you looked on meetup.com - I just joined a local mtn biking group through it.

You're doing good, just stay busy. As for the D, there's really not much you can do to stop it but stopping a D is not the solution to the problem anyway nor is it the end of the world. It's a piece of paper, really. I dreaded it for so long and then when she filed I got ready for it. A lot of people even report they get the closure and with that a peace of mind after being in a limbo for so long. Of course, you can still continue to work on getting your H back if you choose to do so. You can continue to date him if he turns around etc.

I know talking about D is depressing and I'm trying to make you see that it's not as dreadful as we may think it is. Of course, none of us wants to go there happily if could help it.