So my last thread locked. I think I copied the link above correctly but that is my last thread.
This past weekend I made the 6 hour drive back to me and husband's apartment to get the rest of my things. He is moving into his "BP" or bachelor pad as he calls it next week and we had to have all the things out of our old apartment by March 31st.
I planned on arriving Saturday and leaving on Sunday. Husband told me that he would be at work from 4pm to 4 am on Sat going into Sunday so I really didn't plan or expect to see husband while I was getting the rest of my things. On my way back to the apartment, husband told me his work schedule changed and he would be at there when I arrived.
When I got there, husband looked me up and down, told me that i looked nice and that I seemed to have lost some weight. He also said he liked my haircut. I told him thanks then I got on the computer to send out a few emails for my business. Husband came over the computer and chatted with me for a while and gave me a massage. It was late when I got to the house...around 7pm . My MIL was also in town for the week with two of her girlfriends for a women's conference. She called while I was driving and asked me to stop by their hotel with husband. Husband asked if I was going with him and then could we go get something to eat. While at MIL's hotel, husband was flirting with me in front of him mom and her friends, hugging me, and just being all into me. I will admit that it was nice but I knew it was an illusion.
After we left MIL's hotel, we went to a nice restaurant but I told husband I wanted to sit at the bar instead of a table. There was a wait and I was tired and hungry. Husband was surprised that I would sit at the bar and seemed happy (the NCAA tournament was on:-)). WE ordered some drinks and then ate and just talked. I was telling husband a story about this pastor of a mega church that recently wrote a book about his bad decisions (cheating on his wife, having greed) and how he had to deal with enormous consequences. The book is called "World War Me" and the pastor was talking about how the biggest challenge we face in life is the one where we have to deal with ourselves. My husband then says "that is me, isn't it?" I was clearly annoyed that my husband used my story to turn it back on himself and I guess I showed my annoyance in my face. Husband apologized and said, "I don't know why I make everything about me...I guess I am selfish, huh?" I said, you can be selfish at times. Then husband says , "you are selfish too 4luv." I just said, yes, I can be selfish at times in certain instances and dropped it before it became an argument.
When we got back to the apartment, I was wrapping and packing dishes while husband was talking to me. HE was telling me how he gave his cousin marital advice when he came to visit. He told his cousin to not live his life with regrets, etc...and some other things that I don't agree with. HIs cousin has been married for 10years (got married at 23) and is feeling like his life is at a standstill, that he never got to explore life...blah, blah, blah. My husband goes on to say that the advice he was giving his cousin is the type of advice he wants someone to give him. Then he goes on to say that he doesn't have anyone to talk to and that I don't call him, I don't care about him, etc. I gave him a look that said "PU-LLEASE DON'T START THAT CRAP"and then husband laughed at my annoyed look.
The next morning as husband was getting dressed for work, he said that this time together felt like when we were dating and I would come to visit him. I responded, "that is what you are used to but we are not dating." He had no response.
I left that morning and husband called while I was driving to tell me that even though he was at work I could call and talk to him if I wanted to talk while I was driving. He hasn't done that in a LONG TIME. We used to keep each other company over the phone when we were dating long distance and one of us would drive back to our home after visiting the other. I said ok but didn't call him the entire 6 hour trip.
Its been back to business as usual with us. I didn't contact him at all yesterday. He ended up calling around 8pm to "check on son and catch him before he went to bed." I told him that he needs to call NLT 7pm in order to talk to son b4 bedtime. Then I told him I had to go because I was in the process of shipping out an order for my biz. HE asked about my biz and gave me some input on what HE thought I should be doing. I told him thanks for the input and then hung up.
I guess its back to normal with us. I don't see my husband making a move towards divorce but I also don't see him rushing to reconcile anytime soon either. I am in the dreaded LIMBO!!
Oh, one more fun fact I forgot...while I was using the computer in the apartment, I noticed that husband had been frequenting a swingers club site. Then he asked me about joining a swingers club with him...I told him that was disrespectful and disgusting, he tried to tell me that its not what i think its all about and then told me that his "date" was actually meeting with one of the members about joining. He said that males are not allowed to join by themselves but females can and thats why he wants us to join! Just SICKENING!!! I hung up. This convo happened on Sunday night when he called to see if I made it back safely.
Me: 28 H: 32 1st marriage 4 both 1 1/2 year married 2gether for 9 1S: 6months 1stepson: 2yo
1. If I heard he was coming on saturday I would have turned right around and went on the sunday. 2. I would never have had a convo with him, give him the silent treatment the whole time 3. No physical activity - including massage 4. No going out for drinks 5. Call him when he refers to things as "dating".. its not dating its cheating. 6. HE is selfish for cheating, YOU are generous for wanting to work on the M. When you agreed you could be selfish too you just validated his infidelity. 7. I would have just walked right out when he brought up that swingers club... not a word, just walk out.
Sorry, but every time you contact him it just hurts YOU and HE gets a KICK out of it.
Now he has a good enough dose of you and knows you still care about him so he can run off to play knowing you are still in his pocket.
When your partner shows blatant disrespect and you continue interction you are allowing your partner to abuse you. The best way to demonstrate that you will not tolerate this is to END the INTERACTION.
Probably would have been best to come on Sunday instead but it didn't work for my schedule. I had already arranged a babysitter for my son.
I thought about what you said: When your partner shows blatant disrespect and you continue interction you are allowing your partner to abuse you. The best way to demonstrate that you will not tolerate this is to END the INTERACTION.
IN the protection phase part that I was reading, Penny says that cordial conversation can do more harm than no contact. I thought that I was doing good on the going dim but I did let husband overstep boundaries this weekend. I thought that I was balancing the hard stance with the "being the better option" as well.
BTW, the swingers mention was over the phone and I did hang up on him.
So what do I need to do? Do I send him the email finally? The thing is I am not sure if he is still cheating with OW. In his mind he is single and free to live the life that he wants so my email that I drafted would be taken lightly by him. I was thinking that I would remain not initiating any calls to him. Being short on conversation when he calls me and only talk answer questions about son. Then after a week or two if he asks what is up with me tell him:
"I have been thinking and I have been patient but I realize that you are no more committed to putting your family first and being a husband than you were before I moved out. I want a husband that prioritizes his family. I married you and expected you to be my husband for life. This is obviously not want you want and I can no longer be in contact with you while you choose another lifestyle over me and your son. If you decide that you want to commit to me and your son only, then we can talk about improving our marriage and repairing our family. Until then, I don't have anything more to say to you."
Me: 28 H: 32 1st marriage 4 both 1 1/2 year married 2gether for 9 1S: 6months 1stepson: 2yo
He told you he needs someoen to talk to, but he isn't taking any actions to find anyone either has he...
I am starting to think he's just playing you on that point...
I am starting to think he LIKES having two children and two women pining away for him while he plays the field for a third.
He may feel some guilt somewhere, but I don't hear any shame or remorse in his actions...
He TALKS guilt well, but he's DOING NOTHING about it... in fact he's just doing more damage.
In my opinion its the same as mb28. Cut yourself out of his life and get a heavy and determined support team on his case to grow up while you rest and take it easy... focussing on being a parent.
4luv, this is a self imposed limbo. The man is not doing any work to repair the marraige. IN fact after this last encounter. I think you have your answer. Cut your loses and move on.
Smooth guy *sarcastically*. the swingers things was SO classy.
I would file adn chalk this man up to lesson learned.
I am baffled by the limbo. Limbo for what- he only showed sexual interest about you and shows himself to be selfish.
You are better than this and deserve better than this.
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
4luv- while you are wasting time and energy on this man. You could be moving on to a new man. One who knows how to respect a woman and treats you well.
Please reread what oyu first posted and pretend you are reading a strangers words...
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
Good point allen, I meant file for D. Have you read her old posts? This man's behavior has been very bad IMO
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
June, thx for the comment but i am not ready to file at this point...I am ready to live my life without him but not ready to put the period on the sentence quite yet. I still have that little bit of hope and faith.
Allen,
This is EXACTLY what my dad has said about husband not showing any guilt or remorse and what I noticed. He hasn't shown any remorse and keeps saying the same thing. Luckily I got EVERYTHING that I need from our apartment. I have no need to EVER make that 6 hour drive again. We have no more shared bills (besides a credit card) and really nothing else to talk about at this point. June72 is right...I am in a "self-imposed" limbo.
I have to BE STRONG and resist every crumb that husband throws me. Its easy to do when I don't see him. I won't see him for another 3 weeks and that will be for our son's first bday party that I have been planning alone. Until then, I plan to continue to follow the plan above that I laid out and hit him with my "speech" IF he asks whats going on with me.
I don't really have a support system like mb28 that will stand up to husband besides my parents. His mom is not going to really say too much more on the topic and none of the rest of his family even knows that we are separated. His cousin asked about me when he didn't see me at the apartment and husband told him that I was visiting my parents and that we were in the process of moving into a new apartment. I was the one that told his mom that I moved out. She didn't even know at first.
Thx for the 2x4s. They are hard to take but needed.
Me: 28 H: 32 1st marriage 4 both 1 1/2 year married 2gether for 9 1S: 6months 1stepson: 2yo
