Kalni...having lived thru this (well, not as bad as what you suffered), all I can say is that there are a lot of questions above that you may want to put a line through. There are some that need to be answered.
This needs to be processed, here, now, lest much of your hurt gets varnished over only to blister and peel later.
We all read that, potentially, an affair can 'help' a marriage get back on track. Well, for me, I would much prefer a different method of marriage counseling. That is why it is key for the other spouse to be committed to making it work. Otherwise Kalni, you will walk on eggshells forever. Every late night...every trip out of town...you will worry.
You seemed to have made progress towards achieving your goal...of saving your M...over the last few weeks. I've always said that, as long as there is no further contact with OW, that, time is on your side. Work it.
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
Kalni, I can understand you needing many of those questions answered. I believe that you can never move past an A together without discussing questions the LBS feels are pertinent. You may find with time and once some questions are answered that you may not have the need to know everything. K, you keep insisting that your H was "in love" with this OW. It was not love! Everything they shared was based on a lie. True love is not based on lies. It was a fantasy, an escape, infatuation. The majority of WAS believe they are "in love" and that OP is their soulmate, so much so that they risk their M and entire lives to be with OP. We all know these feelings are usually temporary. Your H never moved in with OW when the two of you were S for so long. That says a lot.
Me47 H46 S13 M16 Piecing since May/09
"Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it." Lou Holtz
K - I think your questions about what was wrong that he was open to leaving the M is great. I think the questions about what to change and how to fix things are great.
I think you are assuming a lot with your other questions. You are assuming he really was in love. You are assuming that he wasn't just caught in a web of his decisions, that he was actively making decisions to continue with her. You are also assuming that he will remember a lot of details that in all likelihood are a bit blurry to him, blurred by time and distance and emotion, not to mention the fog of MLC.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
It's so hard to make that jump past and into trust again. Please, just learn from me and others like me. Once you've made that jump, and you are feeling good - DO NOT let your M fall by the wayside again, or we'll be seeing you here again.
He has to be ready to share for you to get over this and he has to be willing to say sorry. He will, give it time.
K, you keep insisting that your H was "in love" with this OW. It was not love! Everything they shared was based on a lie. True love is not based on lies. It was a fantasy, an escape, infatuation. The majority of WAS believe they are "in love" and that OP is their soulmate, so much so that they risk their M and entire lives to be with OP. We all know these feelings are usually temporary. Your H never moved in with OW when the two of you were S for so long. That says a lot.
I agree. I know that for my H, he has used sexual relationships to avoid his issues in the past, but they always had a big emotional drama component to them...it was never "just sex". The "love" stuff and the making her fall in love with him stuff was part of the "fix" that made him feel better about himself and avoid his pain (the most dramatic one was after a brother died accidentally).
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
I find it odd how often we marginalize everything that happens with an adulterous relationship.
What exactly makes the relationship K's husband had with this OW a lie? As Maria has shared the bits and pieces, it seems as though this was infatuation and deep emotional feelings. Isn't that in fact what K struggles with?
DB'ers, we don't get to have it both ways. Not everything that is done outside the marriage is automatically false and less than what it appears to be. Sometimes people stray because they are unhappy with themselves and looking for more.
In some strange way we hope to make our friends here feel better about themselves by making stuff up? Has K's husband even one time yet expressed that what he had with the OW was a lie, was fake, was not intense, was not emotional?
There are legitimate questions to be answered.
Maria, I have stayed silent for some time, mostly because I did not want my skepticism to taint whatever positive progress you felt was being made.
A man who will not be physically intimate with the woman he claims to love is not being truthful. You all can make up whaever stories you want to explain his reticence away, but as a man, I"m telling you - something here stinks to high heaven.
K, I know you have at least one friend from this community who would tell you that you should not be settling for what you already had before. You KNOW this.
It sounds strangely to me as though you are accepting less than what you should have to accept. Where is his progress?
...retreating back to the shadows....
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
Bworl, Thank you! I got blasted on another thread for posting my opinion that was less than rosy. A true friend is not one who sugar coats things but is kindly blunt and honest about what really is. I think many that were posting less than an optimistic view has started to move away from this thread a bit.
Often, K posts something about her disappointment I feel, it gets turned back to her- well you are not being patient enough, kind enough, understanding enough. He is trying in his own way etc.
I, personally see her slowing sinking in a greater despair IMO.
Bluntly put- it takes 2 people to make a marraige work two people folks. Kalni CAN NOT carry the weight of this on her own. I hope her husband makes some progress. To me- from my view- I see him only doing the minimum to keep the status quo.
And the status quo sucks. Some day, some time, some where Kalni has to be first. Enough coddling the man. The man has to act like a husband.
Will there be healing and recovery? I don't know. I can not say. I do know that Kalni's sad moods are valid and totally justified. That her concerns are invalidated by her husband.
If he can not has sex with this woman, own up to his errors. Where are they? Stuck in a very unhealthy cycle.
Kalni, I am sorry you are in such a bad spot with this.
Last edited by june72; 03/23/1008:02 PM.
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
Bill, I never once thought your skeptisism is not welcome here. I actually was sad you stopped posting to me...
I now my H isnt a womanizer, isnt a man that gets excited by looking at women, he has a (weird I confess) loyalty to the ones he loves which is why I trusted him blindly and something that explains the hard time he had going back on his word to HER, not me. Which is why, I am having a hard time believing he is done, emotionally with her. Knowking he loved her so much, breaks my heart every time I think of it. That's why I am constantly feeling as if I am the one HE setlles with. Just like he is the one I settle for... You see, feelings, for me as well, dont die overnight, and right now I am practising LOVE IS A DECISION as well. I am doing for my family what H should have done 3 years ago. I am even unfair to what I felt and call it infatuation when I go to bed at nights, to ALLOW room for love for H to grow in my heart. If I do it, maybe, maybe he could as well...
He HAS told me though, that in hindsight, he fell in love with the SITUATION, excitement and not with her. He has also said that she is a nice person...which proved to me once again he was emotionally connected to her deeply and cant even lie to me and say she wasnt worth it.
Fact is that we are doing some progress. Not because of what I do only. Last year, I did the same, he wasnt present. That difference believe me I can recognise. Is the progress the one I crave for? Apsolutely not. AM I blind to things that arent right? Nope. Am I being the best partner I could be? Nope again. But I am trying to be a good partner. I am trying to be compassionate, I am trying to think of his motives as kindones, I am trying to believe and not doubt his words. If I didnt, I would be a fool to be here still, dont you think?
Every book I ve read, describes what we are going through right now. Every single book about affairs describes in detail the process so far. And all of them tell you what to look out for that risks the chance for real reconciliation. And I see these points, that is why I get frustrated.
Sex is an issue. I have very limited desire for it as well, when I do feels ome desire it is because of my hormones... Why is that since I am the one fighting for this M with all I got? Am I cheating on him?
Yes, I settle for less. For reasons most of you can imagine and others you cant. But for now. Not for life. Maybe I am a fool, maybe it is my victim personality, I am sure there is a disorder known for that.
As I told someone I love dearly today, I miss simple things in life. I hate complicated, gut wrenching(sp?) situations. But life isnt simple. K
