But you're right maybe I should have said, please go ahead. I just couldn't stand to see my H storm out as soon as he arrived for S's sake. My father used to do stuff like that - if he were moody he's storm out and it always hurt me. I'm trying to keep S from feeling abaondoned and any thing I can do to have dad here and calm is healthy for S.
But is it healthy for me?
If it's not healthy for you then it's not healthy for S. Your S needs you to role model self care and healthy boundaries (not being reactive/fighting back). I can see that your being the homemaker is part of the deal and I don't have an issue with that. Could you have done something proactive like when he got home saying unapologetically, "hey making dinner didn't happen...do you want to go out and get something or do you want to wait while I whip something up?". Not saying it's your fault that your H acted badly, but I'm just trying to think of how you can deal with situations where you feel you've screwed up: maybe just acknowledging it calmly and with dignity and coming up with solutions could pre-empt some of his negative stuff which seems to lead to your attempting to appease him in a slightly doormat-ish way.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
This is really hard. I don't know if I should even be on DB anymore.
I hope that we can continue to support you...
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
This is all crazy! I'm trying to figure out what is "addiction" and if it's possible to be responsible while using painkillers recreationally? I am trying to figure out the reality here.
Ultimately your H will have to decide if he's an addict:
But you have enough red flags to take this issue seriously IMO. Don't don't have to know for sure if your H is an addict to go to a naranon meeting. The stuff they will be discussing there is the same stuff that you are dealing with every day: self care, how to deal with not being able to control another person's toxic actions, how to set boundaries, detaching, etc.
Last edited by flowmom; 03/23/1005:09 PM.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
He says he's not addicted. He still works and goes to the gymn and functions - if this is true - then wouldn't it be different than being addicted?
Hope- I'm no expert, but I have heard of "functioning alcoholics" before (I know in your H case it's drugs). I think there are MANY people out there who tell themselves they are just fine b/c they're holding down a job and no one perceives them as an addict. But they are. I don't know if your H is or not, but I do think it's possible for someone to be- even if he does all those functioning things--
PS- found ya on FB :-)
When the men on the chessboard Get up and tell you where to go; And you've just had some kind of mushroom And your mind is moving slow; Go ask Alice... I think she'll know.
tHANKS EVERYONE!!! Fm, I am definitely going to look up Naranon - I need some more info to know what I a m dealing with and how.
I am trying so hard to change my thoughts - from "doing all I can to get my M back on track" to "I'm not responsible for the entire R and H needs to look hard at his pill taking whatever it is and his basic way of avoiding Rs."
Crying a lot, trying to be strong. Grieving I guess. Keep me on track people I'm going to want to go back to him when and if he starts coming my way...
Crying a lot, trying to be strong. Grieving I guess.
Of course you are. It's a lot to absorb on top of a lot of worries.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Of course it's all gonna be painful and complicated but I think FB point of joining a narc support forum is good perhaps enlighten you on how certain drugs work, sorry not very gen'd up on drugs did he take opiate painkillers for a genuine problem first and get hooked or for fun.
Stick with us hun ok we might not be strictly DB'ing but would hate you to go it alone (()) x
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W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
He started taking my vicodin apparently two years ago. Has gottn extra painkillers from his mom or brothers. You know, if someone has had surgery or something he asks if they have leftovers. His brothers are both really into drugs and one guy lies to get them from dr.s. I always thought my H was different.
I don't know much about these drugs, but I do want to encourage you to stick with your DB family at this time. You need support and we are more than happy to be here for you! ((hugs))
