Interesting thoughts for sure. I'm trying to see where I am at in this journey myself.
It seems looking back that it's been 3 seperate journey's from the first waw 15 years ago, to the 2nd 2.5 years ago to the latest 6 months ago, and yet they all seem to roll into one.
As I've read here on occasion in the last few weeks one thing that seems clear to me is that on the 1st go around that was maybe more text book mlc for w and was accompanied by an a, neither she nor I learned much from it and never addressed many of the core issues. I pretty much gave her a free pass on the whole thing, and even though I felt it was all my fault for quite awhile and felt I made some changes, I don't think I ever really sought and got her input on what caused it and how to improve me in the way SHE needed.
On round 2 I again accepted all the blame and a great amount of depression. It took me about 3 months of denial to finally accept she was gone, probably not coming back and I was going to be divorced. Then the depression really kicked in for another 3 months. It wasn't until circumstances forced a complete detachment and nc that I could come to grips with reality and that life would go on and I'd be ok. That period took 3 months before we reconciled. But again, certainly not enough work on either's part of self introspection to get to the core issues and then figure out how to best work on them individually and jointly.
Fast forward to the present sitch. There has not been any ea's or pa's, and she was almost in constant contact throughout. All the emotions on this go around seemed to be condensed and shorter, but a similar pattern, just not as intense. There is a difference this time though.
I have moved through the stages quicker. I have seen how necessary this may be for her, to be her own person and let her do and experience what she feels she needs to. I've tried to look in the mirror more then previously and listen to posts on this board. Not just the ones to me specifically, but in reading others I could see where I was making mistakes as I would say-hey dummy, quit doing that. Only to realize I was doing the same thing. I wanted her to have to need me, while I am just now realizing she doesn't and shouldn't for her mental health. I am struggling some with that fact.
The other part that is completely different then ever before for me RIGHT now is questioning if I really want to, can be, forever married to this woman. I've accepted, read and returned email from other gals who seem to be interested in me, and it is quite a nice stroke to an ego that's been beat on, kicked and generally abused by the person who has been given complete access to it. I don't entertain ideas of sex with any of these other gals, but it has helped me to move forward in knowing life would be ok if my W decides to do something different then stay married to me.
I've realized I am in a certain stage, even though I'm still processing what it is. It may be where I'm being faced with having to really asess where I'm at and what I want? I DO know what I don't want anymore, and that's the yo-yo life. I think part of that has been not giving my W sufficient time to process what she is feeling, and maybe myself also? Getting back together just because, rather then examining more closely what got us apart, and living for ourselves enough that we are ok with living with each other.
This part of the journey is where I think I'm at right now. I'm not sure what comes next for either one of us? We seem to be piecing, but I don't see living together for awhile yet. I'm not sure if we even will? The W seems content to let it ride like it is, and I, though certainly nowhere near content, am not sure right now what I want. Letting her call me occasionally, seeing each other once a week, and acting like a couple of teenagers in the back of her car w/o any clothes on is kinda fun, different, exciting and certainly a 180, but the longer this goes, the less it's a draw for me.
So where am I at in this journey? Maybe I'm the one who is at the big decision door? It's in a way better then I could have hoped, and in another forcing ME to take a serious look at the guy in the mirror and what he can and really wants to live with.
I know-A long rambling rant of sorts. But the posts from OP definitly caught my attention and got me to thinking. That's good!
