I'm back in town, had a great weekend away with D. We should do this more often. I needed it. Daughter told me that WH was texting her every single day that we were away, asking about what we are doing. (Unusual, since he moved out he would maybe text her once a week)
Today he calls me asking how was the weekend. I just replied "great, we had lots of fun" and he kept drawing me into a conversation, wanting to know details of what exactly did we do, where did we go, how was the trip back. I replied politely with short answers, but did not expand on anything.
Then he said that he could come over and bring D's bird back (he was taking care of him for her). I said that D said that she will go pick it up later today. He said "I could bring it so you don't have to drive her". I replied that D said her boyfriend would drive her, told him to talk to her about it if he wants to. Then I said "have to run, have something on the stove" and as I was hanging up he quickly added "So see you in the morning for our business meeting?" I said OK, bye.
My feeling from our convo was that he felt left out from our trip and that it hurt that we went without him and had fun. He did sound kind of subdued and lonely and it sure felt like he really wanted to come over (hence the bird offer). Good...let him feel what life without his family is going to be like.
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
My H has not come out and asked me any questions about what I'm doing or where I'm going, but he's asked our kids questions about it. Sounds like you going on with your life has your H worried. Way to go with giving little detail of your vacation, keep the mystery up. Good job in putting him off as to coming to the house. Let the full consequences of his choices sink in. Most importantly, I'm glad you had fun with your D and her friend. It's our time now!
Mila, I will tell you when I would go away with or without the kids on vacations, my H was texting me constantly. Of course the OW wasnt happy about it, he would tell her he was just "worried" about us.
In the end I found out it was because he was afraid I would meet someone else. He wanted me to think about him constantly while I was away. It was odd because he was with his so called "soulmate" while he was doing this. BUT he would never admit it...not till later.
I wonder if this is the case with your H. Maybe he sees you as moving on and he doesnt like it? Who knows what they do or why they do it though
Im glad you had a great time on your weekend getaway!! So where you going on your next adventure???
Last edited by kissak; 03/22/1002:19 PM.
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
Thank you OP, SA & kissak. Talking about a rollercoaster. Yesterday WH seemed so interested in us, inquiring about our weekend away and today was just a downer.
We had our business meeting today and as you may remember, business is really suffering through this. I was questioning how long could we go on like this, getting deeper & deeper in red. He said "but things are slowly improving and it will get better" I said that we are running out of time. So yet again I showed him the numbers. He started to get defensive that I don't want to work with him, that I'm negative and that I BLAME HIM for the business being in trouble. I've NEVER said that to him (I'm thinking it). Is he just projecting his guilt?
Then he said let's get a second mortgage on the house to infuse some money into the business. I said that I don't feel comfortable doing that, because I'm not really sure if I can rely on him. How do I know that he won't announce that he is moving 1000 miles away to be with OW and the business will collapse and take our house money with it. I told him that when he was leaving us he promised me that I can have the house and that I can trust him about that. Now he wants to mortgage it.
I told him that I don't know what to do, that our situation is pretty messed up. That maybe I need to go and get a job instead of a mortgage. He said "well you are saying that you can't trust me? I can't trust you either you want to leave the business" So yet again he just turns everything against me. If I leave he will blame me if the business fails. WH also doesn't seem to understand (seems very puzzled) why on earth can't I trust him.
I told WH that I'm considering my options, so everything is on the table... including a job and selling the house. I said if the business goes down I have to be able to take care of myself and daughter. He got very upset that I would think that he wouldn't be there financially. Our conversation got little heated.
Later he announces that in a year we will be pulling in $50,000 net a month? WHATTTT? Well apparently he has this plan for an e-commerce business that will do that for us. So all we have to do is to last until then? IS HE REALLY LOOSING IT?
I just didn't know what to say, I'd shut down and actually started to cry (yes in front of him). I tried to recover, told him that I'm just really stressed out about business, that I'll think about the mortgage idea.
When he left (no hugs or kisses) he said that he'll be back at 2pm to do yard work (shouldn't he be working on business instead?)
He did come and worked outside, in the middle of it he came to tell me that he is sorry, that he shouldn't take some of the things I say so personally and that he will try to be more understanding (ughhh). So I said that I'm also sorry if I'd said something that hurt him (I don't even know what I was apologizing for)
He probably won't remember half of the things that were said today. His memory is really suffering right now. I notice it almost every time I see him. He just doesn't remember conversations and then would argue with me that I'd never told him that.
Anyway I'm pretty down, have to sleep on this and think what's the best thing to do it this impossible situation.
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
I understand where you're coming from completely. IMHO do not let him get a second mortgage on your house. He cannot be trusted right now and he proved it by asking you why you do not trust him. The fog is thick and he's confused. You and your D need the house as some measure of security.
My H's memory is shot, too. He seems to have times of clarity and then times when he is there in body but not in his mind. It's very strange.
I'm sure our more experienced DBer's will be along to give advice and opinions.
This morning I received an email that my subscription (renewed monthly by automatic Visa payment) is canceled that payment was not authorized. Called WH and asked if he did anything with the account, I freaked out that he canceled my card.
He said that he was just setting it up online, maybe he messed up something. He got really offended that I would even think that he would do anything like that. I said that unfortunately I have a hard time trusting him right now. WH went on and on that I can't trow this "trust" in his face all the time. That he is a good person, he doesn't lie or cheat (ughh?) and that he doesn't know anymore how can he convince me. The only think that he lied about to me was his affair (he said it like that doesn't count or that it's justifiable).
I said that I'm really struggling with the trust issue, since he was the only person in the world I really trusted before. I also said that I believe that it's possible to rebuild trust with time.
Then he tells me that I need to separate the "personal" trust and the "business" trust. Just because what he did (lied & cheated for almost a year) that doesn't make him a bad person.
I don't think that I'm doing so well. Yesterday and today was full of confrontation and in his eyes blame and accusations. This is not good DB'ing. Help!!!
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
Mila, you trusted him with your heart when you got married. So since he has broken your heart, you really cant trust him with anything right now. I dont know why some men cant see that. Its like it was no big deal???? ugh! I would definitley NOT take out a second mortgage on the house. My H wanted us to SELL our house in the beginning and for me and the kids to get a smaller place that I could afford....so glad I went with my instincts and said NO WAY! Be careful and remember to protect yourself. You can not depend on your H to be here for you now. He is in the fog for sure. Just try hard to NOT let him get to you. Show him you are a strong woman that we all know you are!!
Thinking of you!
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
This is an email I just received from WH. His reaction to our morning TRUST exchange. What do I respond ?????
In my heart I know who I am. I found out that if one wants others to forgive him, first, he needs to be able to forgive himself. I have been trying to do that over the past several months... it’s not easy. I am simply telling you that for me to be able to go on, personally and in business, I have to rebuild confidence in myself.
I may not deserve your trust. I may not deserve your help and I am not asking for your help. I know how difficult is for you. I have to deal with your distrust in me on my own. And only time can repair that.
Please know that I don’t lie to you now and I will not in the future. I have never cheated in business and I never will. I don’t believe what happened last year, changes me — after all of the past years — from who I was into a liar and a cheater forever. If I believed that I may as well pack up...
Last edited by Mila; 03/23/1006:54 PM.
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
