For me, A lot of the "hard" questions were the ones that came from me, and directed toward myself.
I knew the answers, but stood in fear of the question itself. I had read and absorbed so much information about MLC, That sorting it all out and applying what pertained to me was a task in itself. It wasn't until I started asking the correct questions, that the answers came.
And in time, the answers I had always seeked out, didn't really matter as much.
This had been MY time...
I took the time to feel all of the stages. It was kind of taking each individual emotion, and taking it to the dry-cleaners. It was laundered, and pressed. When it came back, sometimes it was wrinkled again, and needed more work.
I decided early, that there would be no time line for ME. It was going to take as long as it took. What I DID decide was ....my marriage was worth at least two years of limbo. And that I would give it two years BEFORE I made any decisions about my future.
That would give me time to heal, and heal the proper way. I detached, cried, screamed at God for what he was putting me through, and then would scream for more to find my breaking point. I haven't yet.
Toward the end of the two year , self-imposed time line. I found myself at the tail end of anger. The anger that I had harbored and held so close to me as a shield, I no longer needed. Is there still anger ? Yes, just in a different way. I am no longer angry at her for what she is/had gone through. I am more angry at the daily actions that still scream MLC from every facet of her being, and affect rational thinking where the children are involved.
Releasing that anger for her MLC has enabled me to reach acceptance, and I have been there for some time now. Accepting who I am, and envisioning my life for the future of me and my children. Knowing that I did what I could with the tools I had at that time, and FORGIVING MYSELF for whatever I had done. Placing it God's hands so to speak.
That in itself is a hard thing to do......Forgiving oneself. Can it be done ? Yes, it is just an avenue that keeps a lot of LBSs stuck in a rut.
When I had finally reached the point where my path had gotten smoother, I had promised myself a decision.
My decision was to live.....
For me, for my children, for my friends, for God, for Faith, for anyone that may cross my path one day.
It is also my belief that the journey of the LBS never really ends. It is a daily conscious effort to do better.
To be the person that I (we) envision(ed).
All of that Windex to see more clearly in the mirror.....that should never end for anyone, at anytime.
When we feel, or think that we have made it, that is when we truly have failed. That is when we have truly disrespected ourselves out of all of that hard work we did to get to this point.
There is no correct path toward healing.....
And it cannot be altered...if the end result is to be whole again.....
