She Say's She Want's Out Of The Marriage

[tbart01]

robx absolutely no on every question. like i said before I have my flaws, but I know I'm not all things my says i am now. I'm proud of who i am and what I've achieved. I'm proud of the progress I've made in a few months, and I hope to continue to do so.

peace I don't feel you're judging me at all. I value your opinion because your on the opposite side of this. i have improved myself in a short time, and will continue to do so. It really sucks that it took something like this to make me look at myself, but you can't fix what your unaware people see as a problem.

Meg I already feel like this isn't the woman i married, and honestly i don't want to be with this person right now. She has said some very hurtful and mean things to me, and I value myself too much to accept that. i know it will be awkward and very difficult. The difference in my situation is i know I'm going home separated.

I for the first time in my life like the person i look at in the mirror. i took pictures of myself and posted them on Facebook to show how good I look after losing the weigh and putting on muscle. i keep staring at the pictures because i can't believe it.

Thanks to all the advice and the stuff i have read I know I'm already on the road to being a better person. I accept all the blame when this first happened, but I no longer do. However, I do accept my part in it. I have insecurity issues that I will continue to work on with IC when I return home.

Even now i feel that my W will be missing out on a good thing. I'm not being blind, I know I'm not perfect, but I'm a H most woman would love to have (not saying I'm already moving on).

I certainly hope in the end to save my M, or else i wouldn't be here. However, if I don't I know I will have done everything that I knew I needed to do. I will be stronger and much improved when this is over whatever the outcome.

[tbart01]

Another question I just thought of that gives me a little bit of a disadvantage. People talk about doing things to let the other one know what life is without the other. Well, I've been gone for six months and she's been living life without me. Obviously she prefers it that way or she wouldn't be doing what she's doing.

I'm not sure if this even means anything or not. I was just reading someones post where they were telling them to stop doing what they usually do and show the other what it's like to not have them. I just feel that me being gone has shown her exactly that.

I could just be doing the mind wandering thing again, but these are the things I think of. I keep them to myself, but now I have you guys to share them with.

[steady]

Another question I just thought of that gives me a little bit of a disadvantage. People talk about doing things to let the other one know what life is without the other. Well, I've been gone for six months and she's been living life without me. Obviously she prefers it that way or she wouldn't be doing what she's doing.

I'm not sure if this even means anything or not. I was just reading someones post where they were telling them to stop doing what they usually do and show the other what it's like to not have them. I just feel that me being gone has shown her exactly that.

I could just be doing the mind wandering thing again, but these are the things I think of. I keep them to myself, but now I have you guys to share them with.

You are doing the mind wandering thing. You have no idea what is going through her mind. You aint gonna know either. My W was busy trying to get out of the M. She was making plans, fantasizing about what life will be like without me, doing stupid crap that started a bunch of drama...plenty of stuff to keep her busy.

Eventually it will all come to an end. She won't be busy trying to plan to get out of the sitch because she will be out and all the logistics will be done. Then she'll be sitting there with no boogey man to focus on.

Of course they are going to be relieved and happy. They're getting what they want (or at least what they think they want). There will always be a sense of relief and happiness because they have arrived. It's like buying a new car. Anticipation on getting it, getting it smelling that new car smell, feeling how tight the suspension is, etc... after a while it becomes just another vehicle.

For the WAS those focus points will fade. Then the reality that life isn't much different for them because all they are doing is switching seats on the Titanic. They think changing external circumstances will change how they feel. It won't. They need to change internally, like you and I are doing. If they don't do that they'll just repeat the same cycles over and over again.

Stop trying to guess the future. Just assume she is happy with her 'new' life right now. Just accept it and do what you need to do for yourself and your kids. When you see your mind wandering over to her, just laugh at it then bring it back onto you.

What she's doing or feeling is her business and not yours. Your stuff is yours, her stuff is hers. Work on it.

[steady]

You keep hearing not to talk about the R. What if the W brings up the R, do you talk about it then?

If she wants to talk about R or D or anything for that matter just let her talk. Validate what she is saying. If she wants to make plans concerning the D...such as, I called a lawyer, or this is what we need to do for the separation, etc... then just go with it. It's going to give you a giant basketball in the pit of your stomach and that anxiety will kick in, but do your best to just hold that inside. No faces, no poor me, no hurt expression. Just go with it as if you are in total agreement with it.

Don't initiate and D stuff, don't fight it, don't stop it or interfere with it. That's what I was told. Let her initiate it and do anything that has to do with it.

If she brings up R or M talk your first instinct will be to defend yourself, point out her flaws, tell her you think she's making it worse than it really is, tell her she's re-writing the past, etc... You need to allow that stuff to run through your mind but DO NOT express them to her. Come here to vent.

The best piece of advice I can give you - don't talk without thinking. Pause and allow what she says to sink in without knee jerk responding to it. We have a tendency to not listen and to be sitting there thinking about some kind of rebuttal.

Listen. Wait. Think. Then speak. Make it a slow rhythm on your part. Talk slowly because we tend to get excited because of the anxiousness and move too quickly to speak.

Look into her eyes. I don't mean stare at her. We also have the tendency to look away when we are getting words that we don't want to hear.

Above all else, do not argue under any circumstance. If you feel you are getting heated up or the conversation begins to move into argument mode, just excuse yourself. Just say you need some time to get your head together. Then do it. It's drawing a boundary.

You can even say, "This is turning into an argument and I don't want to argue. I need some time to get myself centered" or something to that effect.

[tbart01]

All this advice is great, and I hope I can remeber it and practice it. I know this is about me and the girls now. It still doesn't make it any easier, but I know my focus needs to shift.

I wish things weren't the way they are, but they are and I have to accept it. This woman has hurt me like no other the past few months, yet I still hope for a future together. Hopefully that doesn't make me weak. I just value my M, and still intend for it to be forever. However, she would have to make changes herself because the person she is now isn't my W.

I now have my itenerary in hand and know exactly when I'm getting home. It really makes me nervous, and I'm sure when I tell her it will have the same effect.

meghunny, I'm not sure where you are in Turkey, but I'll be passing through Adana on my return home. I hope you are doing well in your sitch.

[Surviving03]

I am at Incirlik AB which is in the city of Adana. My sitch is real crazy right now... we have a counseling appt today so we will see how that goes, but I dont have high expectations. Its difficult, because I had decided to leave here and go home and give up, which i can tell he isnt ready for, but he is still far from ready to keep this M together...so I have to make the painful decision for myself... I am playing it all by ear at this point.

[tbart01]

Incirlik is where I'm stopping for a few hours. i had a brain fart and couldn't remember the name of the base.

Unfortunately we all have a difficult decision to make when it comes to our sitch. It appears as though it never gets easy.

Now that I know when I'm going home I have all kinds of thoughts swirling through my head. you always envision you return from a deployment being a certain way, and mine won't be that way. it kind of crushes a guys spirit.

detaching has to be the most difficult thing someone can do in a situation like this. i find it difficult to detach from someone I haven't even seen yet. There's so many different thoughts and scenarios going through my head. I just hope and pray that it's easier than what I'm imagining.

[tbart01]

today my W emailed me to tell me how my D14 had lied and is now grounded. I responded to her that i hope we can get that under wraps very soon, or else she'll be spending her high school years grounded. She's been talked to by you and by me. I guess the freedom she once enjoyed is going to have to be earned once again.

after that I told her when i would be coming home, which is 9 April, right around the corner. She responded K sounds good. Very short, and obviously doesn't sound good to her. I'm pretty sure she's very panicky now. Probably just as nervous as me.

she had mentioned to me and others that she was worried i was going to come home crazy from Afghanistan. I went to mental health and got interviewed today. They said no depression, no combat stress, no PTSD, fit for full duty. I now have it in writing on paper from two doctors that I'm good to go. I did that in case she starts something, and to ease her mind.

They said all the feelings I'm going through over here are completely normal for someone in my situation. The Doctor said I'm acting like everyone else he's seen go through this in his 35 years of practicing.

That and how I'm feeling physically are really starting to turn my attitude around. I still hate whats happening, but I'm feeling great about me.

[tbart01]

My w just sent me another email. my best friend had called and spoke to her last week. She emailed me this:

Look. I know that you have spoken to friend and he has probably told you a lot of his opinion of how the conversation went. One thing is for certain that he said. I am angry. I have been angry for a long time. We have a lot of issues that have to be addressed. I don't know when a good time to address those issues will be. I do know that I am very unhappy and have been for a while. I am unhappy with myself and with you.

This was my response:

friend has said very little to me, nor have I asked. That conversation was between you and him, it wasn't for me I understand how you feel. We will address those issues when we are ready to do so. You have my full cooperation on anything and everything.

How was my response? Do you think the reality of me coming home is starting to hit her?

[g450]

Sounds like it is hitting her hard from her email.
Let it simmer in her mind. But do not give her anything for her to be fearfull of. Be the rock. Stable, strong, independant and detached from her.

Your response could not have been better IMHO.

Deal with the issues when you are ready and stay out of her way as others have suggested.

That is one thing I could never do and is probably why Im divorced now.

Good luck tbart.