Trapt is absolutely right; the stages a LBS goes through are much the same as the MLC'er...AND the LBS can get stuck within one or several.
There were no steps that I was ever able to write out for the LBS..and no set way they were to start their journey.
I'd tried, but failed in that one; and it came out as the lessons/sermons.
All I ever knew was that it started by looking within myself and encouraging others to do the same... to see what needed to be fixed within. When I wrote the "Control Lessons"..that may have been the FIRST thing I could see that I needed to understand and learn first....but someone may see something else as the starting and learning point for them.
I eventually looked within the mirror to see what I really was, and it was a total shock! It was like I'd worked from outside inward; if that makes any sense. I learned first that control was NOT mine; that I could do nothing for him, then I looked inward at that mirror within. It was only when I looked within that I was able to see the areas I needed to work on, improve and change....but I didn't begin that until I was READY to do it.
Each person "gets it" in their own time, and each stage is navigated and finished at the LBS' own pace.
Suggestions can be made, advice can be given, but the final decision is up to the LBS; as to how long their journey will take. I think it also depends on how much self-honesty they can stand. Many people have a problem understanding they have problems within..we ALL do; but they don't seem to understand that. So, the journey can often start and stop in many places.
There are so many differences in people, it's difficult to say even now, what would be a good "step" method, or even outline the basic stages of the LBS journey, other than what Trapt said about the stages of grief.
This is a good idea, OP, yet, and people being what they are, have to literally see and understand what they have to do for themselves and why they have to do it, or all the instruction in the world won't help them.
What I remember was this: I was ONE angry chick, denying it all..trying to bargain with God, depressed to the point of suicide, that was ALL in the beginning after the bomb dropped.....I had to ACCEPT what was happening, ACCEPT things were never going to be the same ever again, and finally, ACCEPT what I was going to have to do before I even started my journey. It took me three months..some, it takes LONGER than that. THEN, the stages of grief were navigated once again, as I realized and saw the reality of quite a few things as I went on with my journey....so, it seemed that I may have navigated these stages twice. Once BEFORE total reality hit, and once after.
In each time, I reached Acceptance; after having navigated all the way through. I slid backward several times each time, but came forward as I understood more as time went on.
This was within HIS MLC, not mine.
The point being, you have to get the LBS to the point of understanding what has happened, first, before anything else comes about. Then they have to ACCEPT it.
Now, anyone can disagree with me if they want to; but until I UNDERSTOOD what was going on, I didn't understand WHY I had to go on this journey for me.
I can almost guarantee that most everyone here needed a basic understanding of what happened BEFORE they finally pulled away, completed detaching and distancing, THEN their journey started.
Until the majority of "why" questions are answered, most people generally will NOT BUDGE, continuing to insist that the MLC/WAS is totally at fault, that they have to change, not the LBS, and the discussion continues until something gives, or not.
It is one of the BIGGEST reasons people continue to ask questions, until that understanding is met; they have a need, as we ALL do, to try and UNDERSTAND what's wrong, and why can't I fix this, and why do I have to do this when my MLC/WAS spouse was the one who did me so wrong...and the questions are endless.
I've fielded many in my time, and still do, even to this day.
Focusing on yourself is LEARNED, not natural.
These are just IMHO, my thoughts, to add my own two cents to the mix.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
