Is this piecing?

[flowmom]

But the thing I got was - it's not my fault. H always tries to make it my fault. It is not. It's not my fault he choses drugs over growth. It's not my fault he avoids feelings. I have to repeat this a million times to heal the feeling of rejection. Then I felt as if a 12 tone weight was lifted off my back.

That's great H4L.

I wonder if you should be working on more carrot and stick stuff with your H. Rewarding good behaviour and setting very firm boundaries with bad behaviour. It's so hard with your S witnessing everything.

H got in a fit when I didn't have dinner cooked when he got here. One of the 180's I've done is to cook dinner every night (prebomb I only microwaved!). But for obviously reasons I didn't feel like doing anything for H or our "family".THank goodness Gno had reminded me to not react and keep doing what I"m doing...or I would have given H major attitude tonight. Gno advised to not do LRT so I kept DBing.... H started to storm out to the store to get his own meal. I asked if he'd pick up a few things and he started getting nasty.

I said straight =- "what is annoying you?"
H gets all nasty and complaining and I just stayed calm. "I"m tired, I didn't plan a meal ahead, I should have, I want something fresh." I said I would cook and he said "don't because I can't guarantee how I"ll react or eat it."

I just ignored him and whipped something up. Some yummmy curry with rice.

This is really bad behaviour on your H's part. It doesn't really sound like you set a boundary there and you basically rewarded it. Do you feel like you slipped into doormat mode there? It's hard to tell from reading. I don't disagree with Gno's advice, but has he advised on how to deal with your H's bad behaviour?