Her heart has already left

[AmyBel]

She has always been trustworthy, kind, loyal (to a fault), responsible, loving, giving (to a fault), focussed on building family connections (we've got the inlaws together as friends now), dedicated to me, supportive (and fun, adventuresome, witty...)

She is an ALIEN at the moment! And she gets REALLY PISSED when I tell her she's being an alien.

Last night she asked if we could start the trial separation/trial relationship phase now since I'm spending so much time at my internship 6 hours from home.

I get that the goal orientation and obsession are due to dopamine and norepinephrine. (did more reading)

I despair of the "inlovepoisoning" wearing off. She's clearly feeding it, even if she isn't contacting the OW. She didn't give our relationship much time (three months of being willing to talk about the R as a possibility). And now she is saying she's said everything and more talking is just more hurting and why not just move to trial sep now, it would be logistically easier and we are just wasting our time talking.

This is script! I can't believe I'm in a cliche!

This is so hurtful.

[AmyBel]

And now she is saying she's said everything and more talking is just more hurting and why not just move to trial sep now, it would be logistically easier and we are just wasting our time talking.

This is script! I can't believe I'm in a cliche!

This is so hurtful.

And I said: Whoa! I still don't know what I think of the trial Sep/trial R. My therapist was pretty anti. I thought we had some time to think it over. And I'm still just wrapping my mind around the information that you've fallen in love with your ex! Give me a little time here!

She said she could understand that.

I feel like used tissue, just getting tossed aside. It is SOOOO hurtful. I think we need to be talking about our relationship, right? Or is she so fogged that she's right, it is a waste of time, until she gets unfogged?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I think it's time to go "Robx" on her ass.

Puppy

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I think it's time to go "Robx" on her ass.

Puppy

this was so good, I saved it in my archives (obviously, replace "OM" with "OW"):


RobX’s approach:


Sit her down and have a discussion with her.
No need to be mad, angry, a$$hole, prick on anything,
keep it calm, light but straight forward, direct to the point, etc. Don't make it last more than a few minutes.

You tell her trust is based on actions that are consistent.

You don't trust her because she hasn't been consistent.

You don't trust her because she's been lying to you, in fact you tell her that is what you trust her to continue doing, because she has been lying to your consistently - that's what you can trust.

For you to be able to trust her, she has to build trust.
Sure you can trust her blindly and have faith and all that good stuff but honestly how well has that worked up to this point?

Don't ask for for full disclosure.

Do the opposite.

Tell her this:

"... I don't want your cell phone records, I don't want to look at your cell phone text msg's and call history, I don't want your email or fb password, I don't want your voicemail pw. If I have to monitor you 24/7 to force you to be consistent, that won't work for me because that's not what I want or need.

I wanted you to be trustworthy but I don't need you to be anything, truth be told, I'll be just fine without you, I see that now.

From now on I'm moving in this direction, if you want to come along, go ahead, I won't control you and tell you that can or can't come but I can't wait for you anymore and you already know that if you're with the OM, you aren't with me, I'm not settling for anything less than that.

If you really want to be with the OM, I really can't say or do anything to stop that and you should be with him if you're willing to lie so much to me, if you can't be true to me that means he's more important to you than I am and you know what... I'm ok with that because I'm more important to me and that's all that matters - I see that now.

If you wanted to be with me, you knew that you had alot of trust to rebuild and that's only through consistent action and I'm through with pressuring you to be my wife, I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me and that's pretty much what it looks like to me so let's stop playing games: you go and be with the OM, I'm ok with that, in fact I'm better than OK, I'm awesome because I'm finally being honest with myself about all of this and that includes being honest about who you are and where you are right now. I know what I'm worth and I've been settling for less for too long.

I can't wait for you anymore, I've spent enough time waiting for you to do the right thing and I know that doesn't work because I would probably have to wait forever and still not get what I wanted. So you can do what you want, be with the OM, I hope he makes you happy and I'm going to start wanting something better for me."


No being mean, spiteful, vindictive, you let her go.
No more discussions, arguments, no more talks about lies, no more sneaking around behind your back, she can do what she wants but you are letting her go to do what she wants to do but at the same time, you are now allowing yourself to be free of this crappy limbo place you've been living in for so long.

Bro, if she wants to be with you, she'll be with you, no amount of a$$ kissing, sneaking, snooping, being mean, angry, standing tall, etc. is going to change that.

You be the best gosh darn example of a MAN for you and for you only. If she wants this great MAN that you are in her life, she'll pursue you and do what it takes to be a part of that.

You need to respect yourself first, that's the first step and letting go of your wife her untrustworthy ways to establish that your self-respect, dignity and integrity are the most important things in your life is what you NEED and WANT to do. You know what you're worth, go out and get what you're worth and let go of the things that are worthy of you - starting feeling your personal value, know it, resonate with it, live it. You are worth better than what she is giving you right now, if you don't set that boundary, you'll allow her to do this to you forever and who could respect that?

Otherwise continue playing this game and you'll be playing this chase & pursue game, pushing & pulling for the rest of your life.

Time to get off the merry go round, this ride isn't that fun anymore.

[Marked&Healed]

Puppy, that is really good! I so want to say this to my DH - especially this part.

From now on I'm moving in this direction, if you want to come along, go ahead, I won't control you and tell you that can or can't come but I can't wait for you anymore and you already know that if you're with the OM, you aren't with me, I'm not settling for anything less than that.

Really don't think it will do any good right now, I have to do some data gathering first.

AmyBel, remember that she will be going back and forth, her emotions are changing rapidly and from day to day you'll see the roller coaster ride. Try journaling it, it really helped me in the past. When you chart the emotions and actions, it starts to form patterns and you are more calm and able to detach.

[AmyBel]

I've been off the board since I started having trouble with my eyes. Turns out I have glaucoma (a structural defect in the eye) and ended up having an acute attack on weds night. Luckily, they were able to save my sight!

W has been very solicitous over the phone (I'm at my internship site) and insists on coming down to drive me back home on Monday.

I admit it. I'm enjoying the resumption of our usual connection, mutual sharing, mutual caring. I realize that she's stepping up due to my health, but it can't be a bad thing to remind both of us of the ways in which our marriage works...

I continue to believe that she is NOT continuing the EA.
She continues to periodically remind me that the reality is that she's "in love" with someone else, and isn't sure she can permanently walk away from that.
I continue to work on visualizing a life without her, to train myself to not need her so that I can choose or not choose (or accept her choice) about our relationship without self destruction, lizard brain fight or flight reaction, etc.

Feels like a long and painful road.

I'm saving the Robx. That is EXACTLY what needs to happen if it turns out the EA is NOT suspended.

Thankyou passenger: ignore everything they say and 1/2 of what they do...