The tunnel of darkness

[kjensen]

Well spring break is here..weather was great yesterday-D12 and I took our first snowboarding lesson and had a great time. Supposed to get almost 2 feet of snow between tonight and tomorrow! So much for the 60 degree weather I thought we'd have this week...

H emailed me yesterday that he wanted to spend time with D12. I responded with our few plans we had for the rest of the week and that H could see or spend time with the girls anytime. His response was "Really??"

I have no response and will not respond to his one-word email.

Makes me sad. H's lawyer is wanting H to basically get half my monthly pay for the next 3 years under the justification that H stayed home with the girls so I could further my career for the last 12 years...which I will vent here - is truly garbage, and not based on reality.

The whole premise that H was purely a stay-at-home dad, unable to build his business(he never advertised!), doing what stay-at-home mom's do is so far from the truth. H probably made dinner 20 times in 8 years, maybe..He didn't clean the house, but did do laundry..I became the breadwinner which allowed H to indulge in his dream of having his own business, which I really believed in..he was there when the kids came home from school when they were litle, but after awhile, his client meetings would happen at anytime..and the girls would fend for themselves. I would take time off work to take the girls to doctor appointments the last few years he lived with us, because if I asked him if he could do it, I would be disrespecting his career.

The rewriting of history has always gotten to me, but when it comes out of a lawyer's office I just feel ill.

I'm going to have to pay alot of money for an expert to evaluate what H could be making in his business...money that I don't have. This all just makes me stressed and sick.

I'm trying to really strengthen my compassionate thinking. Trying not to see H as the enemy, but when I feel threatened it is so hard. Just very sad about how this divorce is going(so far from what H said it would be like...that he didn't want anything...blah blah blah).

I'm having a hard time seeing any possible future with H after going through this divorce where I and the girls will end up losing so much(financially, emotionally, not to mention time with the girls). I just can't see how people get past this kind of stuff although I'm still trying.