how do i keep my hope alive?

[trytryagain]

i don't really know how to reach my H anymore. we talked on the phone last night and there was a lot of silence. he finally said the D word to me, and that makes me feel very hopeless. i asked him if that was what he really wanted and he said, he didn't know, but he didn't trust his feelings right now. i asked him why the rush to finalize or "legalize" our separation if he was feeling that way...he just said it wasn't fair to me, that he couldn't give 110% to our M right now, at a point where he's trying to make some changes to himself.

i said i didn't need 110%. i said i just needed one inch, because i didn't know what i wanted, either, but i wasn't ready to walk away. i like what you said about rebuilding, instead of repairing, OTM. i just don't think my H sees it that way. i grew up in a family that was deeply rooted in faith, and i am a big believer in the power of forgiveness. my H's family is not religious and/or spiritual at all, and there's nothing wrong with that, but i think it's harder for him to relate to me on that level because of that.

we plan to meet up on sunday evening. i am going to try to remain as dark as possible this week, and only respond briefly if at all to any notes he may send. he's going away to philly with a friend of his on saturday and i will be out of town overnight for a wedding (which i'll be attending alone, thank you very much)...he asked me if i could meet up on friday, but i had plans with friends from my service trip that i wasn't going to break. yeah me!

i did have a few drinks with a guy i met on my service trip last night. he knew i was having a hard day emotionally and offered to meet me for a drink. it felt good to laugh and just kick back with him...i know i'm a long way from dating but it at least made me feel like if i have to, i'm capable of starting over and finding love again. i mean...i turn 30 in 2 weeks. my life is really just beginning.

i spoke with a counselor before my trip and i could certainly make an appointment with her again. it would help me to talk to someone...outside of this site, i've pretty much been keeping most of this to myself.

i told my H yesterday that i felt like a lot of what he'd said in his email was a cop out. that he'd messed up too much and too many times, that he'd hurt my family and me for too long. i told him that i wanted to be with someone who would fight for me and i wouldn't settle for anything less.