Can you get into a IC appointment - I'm guessing that you probably need to talk to someone.
Do you think you would want to call or meet up with him for coffee? I can't help but think that he said the damage can't be repaired - does he mean damage to you or to him?
You've done a lot to become a better person, married to him or not. So you haven't wasted your time. I think you also deserve more for your efforts. I'm not saying chase him down, but getting a fair and clear answer that is a bit more than "can't repair" is important.
Now if it is depression speaking, that might be him giving up.
Another thought - maybe a MC session with his current IC? Maybe the other IC could (in session) help you figure out if he needs time or his walk in the storm to see you meant nothing.
Twice in the last 3 wks I was sure there was no hope, despite suddenly feeling love for my W, because of her comments or reactions. I was sure that we couldn't "repair" the past. More than twice, I've felt that we could. Who knows what he's really thinking, but I hope your patience and love for him can get you through this really low spot to wherever your future lays.
Oh ya - in Retrouvialle, I got the idea that once you've been down to the separation and divorce roads, you aren't repairing a marriage.
You are rebuilding it. Maybe your H needs to see that you aren't putting on band-aids together, you are making an exciting new M with trusted, beautiful peices of wood.
also...my H said he doesn't think he could ever repair the damage with my family. anyone have thoughts on piecing with a spouse's family members? i can see why he'd consider that as a factor in us working things out...my family is very close and i think he feels like things are effed up beyond fixing.
really, any words of wisdom would be appreciated.
Easy. unconditional love. The only way H can heal the relationships is to act and act and act. And show why he chooses to love you. A hard path to follow but if he chooses to love you he will do this for it is important to you. And if he is doing this you use words of affirmation to aid in it.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
OTM, i said some things to my H on the phone about how he'd never been held accountable for any of his actions or behaviors, he'd never had to take responsibility for anything in his life, because the people in his life chalked his actions up to him just being him. i told him, it's not ok to treat people this way, it's not ok to walk away from your marriage and just expect that you can text me and ask me if i want to go to counseling 2 months later. i told him i was glad he was seeking counseling and taking a hard look at some of the things he didn't like about himself, but that no one ever made him "suffer the consequences" so to speak of his choices and his actions, at ANY point in his life.
his mother never really disciplined him when he was growing up. he's pretty much done what he's wanted, when he's wanted to his whole life and never really had to deal with any of the fallout. he got arrested at i think 16 or 17 for making fake ID's and the police called his mother to let her know he was spending the night in jail. her response to that was to tell the police officer to tell my H to pick up diapers on the way home (my H has 2 sisters that are now 13). so for him, owning up to what he's done has never been an issue.
when he said i was right about what i said, that's what he was referring to. that he'd never had to take responsibility for his actions.
Me30 H29 M2.5 T5 H moved out 1/23/2010 H wants signed agreement 3/30/2010 ...feeling hopeless
i don't really know how to reach my H anymore. we talked on the phone last night and there was a lot of silence. he finally said the D word to me, and that makes me feel very hopeless. i asked him if that was what he really wanted and he said, he didn't know, but he didn't trust his feelings right now. i asked him why the rush to finalize or "legalize" our separation if he was feeling that way...he just said it wasn't fair to me, that he couldn't give 110% to our M right now, at a point where he's trying to make some changes to himself.
i said i didn't need 110%. i said i just needed one inch, because i didn't know what i wanted, either, but i wasn't ready to walk away. i like what you said about rebuilding, instead of repairing, OTM. i just don't think my H sees it that way. i grew up in a family that was deeply rooted in faith, and i am a big believer in the power of forgiveness. my H's family is not religious and/or spiritual at all, and there's nothing wrong with that, but i think it's harder for him to relate to me on that level because of that.
we plan to meet up on sunday evening. i am going to try to remain as dark as possible this week, and only respond briefly if at all to any notes he may send. he's going away to philly with a friend of his on saturday and i will be out of town overnight for a wedding (which i'll be attending alone, thank you very much)...he asked me if i could meet up on friday, but i had plans with friends from my service trip that i wasn't going to break. yeah me!
i did have a few drinks with a guy i met on my service trip last night. he knew i was having a hard day emotionally and offered to meet me for a drink. it felt good to laugh and just kick back with him...i know i'm a long way from dating but it at least made me feel like if i have to, i'm capable of starting over and finding love again. i mean...i turn 30 in 2 weeks. my life is really just beginning.
i spoke with a counselor before my trip and i could certainly make an appointment with her again. it would help me to talk to someone...outside of this site, i've pretty much been keeping most of this to myself.
i told my H yesterday that i felt like a lot of what he'd said in his email was a cop out. that he'd messed up too much and too many times, that he'd hurt my family and me for too long. i told him that i wanted to be with someone who would fight for me and i wouldn't settle for anything less.
Me30 H29 M2.5 T5 H moved out 1/23/2010 H wants signed agreement 3/30/2010 ...feeling hopeless
i finally took the pictures of my H off my desk at work, and i'm down to only 2 or 3 pictures of him up at my place. considered leaving my rings at home the last day or two but not quite ready to take them off yet. as far as i know, my H still wears his. at least when i see him he has it on.
i'm losing hope that i can bust this...i know i will be fine no matter what, but the daily cycle of emotions that i go through is really wearing me out. i'm kind of tired of feeling this way. it's exhausting to go from being filled with optimism and hope to feeling like your life is over in a span of 5 minutes.
Me30 H29 M2.5 T5 H moved out 1/23/2010 H wants signed agreement 3/30/2010 ...feeling hopeless
also, last night on the phone my H asked about legalizing our separation and preparing ourselves for the D-word. he had said that to me in an email earlier yesterday, which sent me down the hall to the bathroom where i could cry in private. i don't think he knows what he wants and my fear is that he's going to pull the trigger on this in a state of confusion. i haven't heard from him at all today, and i don't expect to, even though he said he'd email me this week just to touch base.
i know i'm letting this all have too much control over my emotional state but i feel like i am flailing around in my own crisis right now and am not sure how to calm my emotional brain when it's screaming, you're getting divorced! you're getting divorced! my rational brain is saying, no matter what, you're going to be fine. but my emotional brain is really not interested in listening right now...
why now after 2 months apart would he ask me about signing the agreement? he just started an anti-depressant to help him stop smoking again and i know it's messing with his emotional health right now, but he probably doesn't see that.
i feel very hopeless today. :'(
Me30 H29 M2.5 T5 H moved out 1/23/2010 H wants signed agreement 3/30/2010 ...feeling hopeless
