OTMT, I have to read through your posts and catch up. I hope one thing. I hope you have rescinded the pending D degree. How can she ever find you sincere with that hanging over her head? Maybe you have....IDK
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
I keep wanting to. I told her I envision the day as one with a candle lit dinner. We're still on an emotional rollercoaster, though. Some days I feel so empowered by my new love. Other days, her problem fully forgiving the past and sharing her emotions with me make me too nervous to act. For example, since RV, she's asked about us separating twice, and talked about us having too many problems once. Another example is that our D mediator (5 weeks late) called back to arrange an appointment to start planning for an end. After RV, I can't imagine going, but she was OK to make an appt. All that in three weeks!
I guess it is unfair, but I'm apprehensive about making any changes. Your point is very valid - I keep running that through for me, too. I want to move ahead knowing there are no limits.
I'm really not sure why I am not giving this my full effort and risk.
OK, I am confused. Is your religious statement for 3 months till a D still valid? Or did you take that back?
You CAN NOT move forward in healing this marriage till you take that off the table. See if from her point of view. Be bold, tell her you are removing the pending D and are committed to working on this marriage no matter what and that you will not give a D degree ever again. Tell you are wiser and now know that D is not the answer. That you see the good qualities in her that you missed before. That you cherish her in ways that you have not before. Hold her hand while saying this and look into her eyes. Be kind and if she does not respond kindly be strong enough to realize that she is hurting and testing you to see how genuine you are. Give a long hug and tell her- you still expect there to be difficult days but you realize that you can she can handle the tough times. That rather than focus on each other's flaws adn shortcomings you wish to focus on the good qualities. Then simply state I love you, I care for you. I am sorry (even if you feel there is nothing to apologize for she does not feel this way). Having someone tell you that they want the M to end is an injury in itself. I know I have been there. It is extremely hurtful.
From this point on act confidently that the M will work. Project confidence. Before entering your home each day put a smile on your face and bee line to your wife and give her a warm hug adn kiss. Smile and ask about her day.
Do this and see how she responds... I know the results will be positive.
Am I making sense? Did this come up in Retro? Have you spoken with them since? How can she fully commit to you when you are not acting in good faith and taking a leap forward. Do not continue to let this fester in the marriage. No wonder she is on the fence. You are still showing yourself to be, IMO. Withdraw that pending D!!! Take a leap of blind faith- it is what is needed here.
I really have to read through all your latest posts...
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
OTMP, worst case scenario is that a D will eventually happen in the far future if things turn out really. You are not fully committing to working on things now though. Show her and commit fully to her. How can she be confident with this looming?
You love her, do NOT let fear rule you. As Dr. Phl always states there needs to be a hero here. Be her hero and watch her walls come down her fears and doubts eventually subside. If you really analyze things- she is fearful also. She has felt very hurt by all of this. Perhaps her feeling are invalid but never the less that is how she is feeling. Great hurt...
Every woman wants to feel truly deeply loved. Like they are extremely special for you. Show that you deeply love her with actions not just words.
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
The advice is wise and correct. Possible? Last night W and I dialogued (a RV thing). She misunderstood what I wrote to mean that she is not beautiful. (I was talking about the future, and wrote "I imagine myself walking with you into a room and introducing you to others that are younger and prettier, but smiling and showing others that I know I have something better than others.")
So I tried to clarify. I don't mean she's not pretty now, that I meant when we are older - ie we're both going to be wrinkly...
Her solution? She wants a separation again. First during spring break - wants me to leave. Then in the summer she wants to go see her family.
I accept that my comment could be seen both ways if desired. But to ask for a separation? That is why I just can't end the D just yet. Right now, we have until May. I need to know she's committed even if I say something that might hurt her accidentally.
I totally follow her anger if my comment was malicious. But accidental?? BTW - I woke up to find she had slept with the kids.
Oh, I forgot - I said no to leaving during the break, no to separation, no to her going overseas cause we can't afford it (esp when paying for RV and so many other things to help us). I told her she's beautiful, too.
The advice is wise and correct. Possible? Last night W and I dialogued (a RV thing). She misunderstood what I wrote to mean that she is not beautiful. (I was talking about the future, and wrote "I imagine myself walking with you into a room and introducing you to others that are younger and prettier, but smiling and showing others that I know I have something better than others.")
So I tried to clarify. I don't mean she's not pretty now, that I meant when we are older - ie we're both going to be wrinkly...
Her solution? She wants a separation again. First during spring break - wants me to leave. Then in the summer she wants to go see her family.
I accept that my comment could be seen both ways if desired. But to ask for a separation? That is why I just can't end the D just yet. Right now, we have until May. I need to know she's committed even if I say something that might hurt her accidentally.
I totally follow her anger if my comment was malicious. But accidental?? BTW - I woke up to find she had slept with the kids.
OMG!!! OTMT, do you not get how much you hurt her feelings!!!! This dialog exchange would upset her greatly. Your comment that others are younger and prettier- even if it meant you will love her regardless of her looks shows you fixation on looks. You royally screwed up big time!!!!
She is really, really HURTING. And that is why she wants a separation, NOT b/c she does not love you. Do you get that!!! She want s a separation b/c SHE IS HURTING!!!!
You NEED to fix this. Today, now. It will take more words and efforts than you think. Women get their feelings hurt more easily then men. You have to, I mean have to see things from her perspective.
YOU MUST that the D off the table. You stated that she is not allowed to D in your religion correct? You you hold the power. You need to MAN UP and regardless of her moods and your FEAR- you HAVE TO STEP UP and stop the D. YOU MUST RESCIND IT. Anything less shows that you are less than committed.
Oh brother!! You need to fix this, you! Not her you.
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
Oh, I forgot - I said no to leaving during the break, no to separation, no to her going overseas cause we can't afford it (esp when paying for RV and so many other things to help us). I told her she's beautiful, too.
What about an equal partnership. Telling someone no is very controlling! How about- I can not control you, you are free to do as you please but I did not want you to go. I do not think the money is there for this anyhow...
Good telling her she is beautiful. Now find one feature you like about her. Maybe her hair, her eyes... one thing that she will believe you on and tell her often how much you love her... whatever (eyes, hair, etc.)
OTMT, I have been in her position and my husband had told me over and over in different ways taht he no longer found me as attractive as when we first were together. This kills a woman's soul.
Also, lots of non-sexual physical touch. Hugs, rub your hand across her back... Give her some money to buy new clothing and to go to the salon for whatever she wants- highlighting, nails, massage. I woman who is dresses well and well groomed will feel better about herself. I know you stated that she neglected her looks but once a hubby lets a woman know he does not find her attractive. She loses all motivation. She gives up.
It is your job to repair that. It will take much longer than you think and more work than you think necessary.
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
