if i went i would have to go alone and i would not feel safe or prob have fun all by myself...
I'm thinking that it is a cruise....in the medeterrianian sea right? I'm guessing that you will be second guessing yourself the entire time you before you get there and then it is enevitable that you have fun. So why not go alone. You will have no distractions and you could end up meeting new friends. If anything you will be out in the sun the entire time. You get to work on a tan.
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i mean, it all is too confusing. and i feel like this is all about him getting to go on his trip to go visit OW, he is not budging on that plan and if i leave he wont have to feel guilty
So make the cruise all about you getting away and doing something for YOU.
He may not feel guilty now but eventually if he has a conscience he will. He isn't going to show it to you. Believe me. I have said all kinds of things to try and get my wife to admit or show guilt or remorse. It doesn't work, it wont ever work. Appealing to that side of him is impossible because he has been blocking it out for the past 3 months or so.
Meg, start doing 180's. GAL! get out of your house. If you are there waiting for him when he gets home. Don't be. Or if you are sitting at home with him. Just leave. If you are the one that cleans the house STOP make him see what life is truly like when you are not there. Like i said in an earlier post, you are in one of the most culture rich centers in the world. Go out and experiance it. Learn new things. Make yourself happy because he ISN'T going to. It is a tuff lesson but one that is worth while. If you still have the feeling like you want to fight for your marriage then do it. He doesn't have to be present. and you cannot make him change. But you damn sure can change yourself. You can be a better you and learn to be happy w/o him. Keep your head up. Be positive. We are praying for you.
Aces..
I like all this empty space because i can now type out things that are important.
Like: D7 S2 starting swimming lessons on 3/30
"Readily will I display the intestinal fortidue required to fight on..."
I'm thinking a cruise is just the type of distraction that would force you to GAL, much less get some distance from your H. Being so available to him seems to be making him angry, possibly from the hurt and regret he feels.
Even if your H end things with OW, he's going to have some form of withdrawl. Please reread that section in DB, MW-D can say all these things so much better than I can. I can't even tell you how much of a blow reading about the OW was for me, it was like some kind of empathetic nirvana... or something. I hope you find a way to have a good time for YOU so you're not just simmering in this pain.
Me: 26 Ex: 27 Son: 5
Divorced: 3/2010 Each day is another opportunity to do it right.
I dont know... we will see, Im just not the type of person to go do something like that alone. We have our first C appt today...so we will see how that goes, I dont have high expectations. Its been really weird... my H is not really ready for me to leave, but he is further from being ready to work on this M... when i listened to him explain to me out of his own mouth why he felt like this M wasnt working, i felt like i was talking to a child... i feel like he is years before being able to really understand what M is all about and what it takes to make it work, or even understand love for that matter. So its difficult... we will see
Me: 25 H:25 M: 2yrs T: 4yrs No Kids Bomb: 11 Feb 10 Newcomers Story
MH: He said he is in this 100% to make the effort, but it seems more like he is just wanting to wait to see if something happens TO him, not if he can do something FOR it... you know what i mean?
This is a very good point. There's a lot of WAH situations on this board who fit this description.
Good luck at your appoinment. This seems like a tough situation. Sorry it is going on. You could blow things up by telling OW you read the emails and that he is having a lot of sex with you this week and ruin his planned fantasy trip by causing them to fight. But it could backfire on you and really mess up your chances for reconciliation. Does it get military people in trouble to have affairs at work?
Maybe you should go on the infidelity thread and see what they suggest. Don't listen to me. They have more experience with these things.
Does it get military people in trouble to have affairs at work?
A military affair is a pretty serious thing. When i was in the army it was huge. You could get kicked out of the service for it.
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I dont know... we will see, Im just not the type of person to go do something like that alone.
Thats just is meg! It is the perfect opportunity to begin a new you. Get out of your own skin, but yourself in a situation that you would never see yourself doing and make the most of it. It will be refreshing!
I like all this empty space because i can now type out things that are important.
Like: D7 S2 starting swimming lessons on 3/30
"Readily will I display the intestinal fortidue required to fight on..."
Exactly. That's why they call it a 180: it's 180 degrees from what you would ordinarily do. It shows both YOU and your H that you're not so predictable.
If safety is your issue, get to know the security on board the cruise. Know where their posts are so you always know where to go or who to contact if there is trouble.
Meet some new people, try some new things (shuffleboard, maybe?), see the world. Discover something new about places you've already seen. I would love to take a cruise just to see the different styles of architecture, I'm getting sick of looking at all these cookie-cutter houses out here in the suburbs.
Me: 26 Ex: 27 Son: 5
Divorced: 3/2010 Each day is another opportunity to do it right.
A thought just occurred to me that may help you,meghunny. The H you are seeing now is NOT the H you married. If you think of him like that, it might be easier for you to do things for yourself. All these things that he's saying to you are from his "new" personality. The end goal here is to help him want to return to the man you married, but not to FORCE it. So listen to what he has to say but don't stop your own life to try to save his.
Me: 26 Ex: 27 Son: 5
Divorced: 3/2010 Each day is another opportunity to do it right.
Cautious is dead on. That is why so many people and M-WD say that an Alien has abducted our spouses and taken their place. Everything he is doing is going to be different. So why don't you do the same? except your going to be doing it for YOU not him.
Quit talking about your R and M with him. this is hard. For every person on this message board. Down right impossible. but the more you bite your tongue and the more you can talk about other things the easier it will get.
keep your head up meg!
I like all this empty space because i can now type out things that are important.
Like: D7 S2 starting swimming lessons on 3/30
"Readily will I display the intestinal fortidue required to fight on..."
well... I know I am not DBing very well... man I am trying... but so far I do everything wrong... now I need to know what you guys think about this: we went to C yesterday, and I left there pretty upset. We had been having a pretty good day yesterday before C, we went to lunch with some friends and he had come by my work a couple times and it was almost feeling like normal life, then we went to C and I just gave him an opportunity to do most the talking, and I left there feeling like I just heard my M end in that room. He made it very clear to the counselor that at this point, he has made up his mind that D is the best option, but at the same time he wants to be open minded that it could potentially not be the right thing. And I felt like all we talked about was what I did to lead to the feelings for him that we arent right. So I was sad and I felt like ok this is never going to turn around. Then we go home, talk for awhile.... and he said to me that the truth is he feels like right now his head is telling him we need to get D, I need to leave Turkey and go home...but at the same time he doesnt want to discover later that he made the wrong decision and he said he feels like if I left, he could look back and miss me and regret it and he wouldnt want that either, so he just needs time. And then, I dont know how or why or what happened...but we ended up ML and we shared the same bed last night for the first time... he cuddled me all night, in the middle of ML he looked me dead in the eyes and told me that he does love me.... and told me he wants to take me on the cruise, did some changing around of his vacation plans so that he could take me on the cruise... and this morning when he dropped me off at work, he kissed me goodbye.... so...... wtf???!! I dont want to look too much into it, but last night after ML, it was like normal life, it was like the M i had before he left, his whole demeanor was different...we had dinner, watched TV together, didnt talk about our R anymore, just acted normal.... but I feel like at any point he will start acting like before and thats scary. How will I know?? How will I trust that the turn around is permanent if it really does turn around? I guess I just have to take it one day at a time. I guess I need to let him make the physical advances and for me not to push them, even though I want to.
Me: 25 H:25 M: 2yrs T: 4yrs No Kids Bomb: 11 Feb 10 Newcomers Story
It's not permanent. He's still confused. At least he's recognizing it. Even if no one else is going to, I'm giving your H props for TRYING to do the right thing through confusion. Counseling is going to be hard, emotionally. And draining. I would suggest taking some time apart after C sessions so you can each reflect on what has happened during the session. That's up to you, of course, though. However, if reading all these books has taught me anything, it's that men need more space than women and value their alone time.
And props for YOU. You think you're failing at DBing, but let me let you in on a secret: there's no "perfect" DBer. We all change to what works. However, you keep mentioning the word "normal". Don't get too comfortable in that familiarity. SOMETHING happened that lead to your H feeling like this marriage was something he no longer wanted to do, so there's still an issue that needs to be resolved for both you and your H to be happy. Keep up the good work at the C to get to the root of that issue. The digging is going to feel like H-E-Double hockey sticks, but in the big picture, you do want your H to be content, correct? So it's worth it not to end up back where you started in a couple of months.
Hooray for you, meghunny. You are doing fabulously!
A little early to be asking, but here are my main concerns: 1. H doesn't want you to go on cruise alone because he's worried you'll meet someone else? 2. Has H reconsidered his position on going home with you along?
Me: 26 Ex: 27 Son: 5
Divorced: 3/2010 Each day is another opportunity to do it right.
