New here but have been reading the forums for a while.
H's in MLC (I think).
If anyone understands this, or why I can't move on, please advise!
Very briefly, both mid 40's, married 23 years, 2 kids (7 & 15), 2 great careers, beautiful home, everyone is fit and healthy and happy.
I was overly career focused a few years ago (so I drifted from the R a bit), because something in my M didn't feel right (was his very brief EA but I didn't know it then).
H starts into MLC, a brief EA with OP decades younger and totally inappropriate. It ends, but H is relatively sucessful and his "friends" encourage him to keep "living the life", which pulls him further from our R. He gets really mean, nasty, argumentative, blocking, withdrawn, and basically tries to get me to leave my house and kids (NO WAY!!).
Last year we sell the house, then as soon as it's sold he moves out. Packs his bags suddenly and without notice, D see's him head out the door. Gone.
Leaves me and the kids in a sold house with no where to go, the sudden emotional wreckage, packing up the sold house, finding somewhere to live, new schools, new F/T difficult job, everything. Have to move to a new tiny inappropriate (for us) town near my work, I have no friends or family here, kids lost their house, friends, schools, etc. We do pretty well, and try for a new start.
4 months later H wants to reconcile. Maybe there was another EA and she left? I don't know.
It goes way too fast, and then H can't decide which life he wants and starts being difficult again, it's very disruptive to me and the kids, but he won't choose. He wants to come around whenever he wants, but then leave for the other life whenever he wants.
Note that this is not W vs. OP, there doesn't appear to be any OP right now... it's W vs. Other Life!! He spends almost all our savings on setting up a new life for himself. Won't even let us live in the same city as him. He will not file, all the legal fee's are left to me. He doesn't want a D, he just wants 2 lives.
I start filing with L, feel like I need to protect myself and my kids future, I have no idea what is going on with H.
H says don't file with L, lets work it out. The words we all want to hear, right?
But he will not come home to me, and adamently will not let us live in the other city with him, and I miss my family being all together, and I miss my H who I've known most of my life. H keeps saying it's all my fault that we're in this situation. My fault he can't decide. And so on.
H says wait a few weeks and he will decide. Then next month he will decide. Then in a few months he will decide. Tells me do NOT move on (though H keeps building up another life for himself somewhere else?).
I can't GAL -- because I have a life (sort of already) -- I have a great job which I can't focus on at all (and which has me stuck in this other city), wonderful kids who miss us being together, hobbies, and some good friends (who are now far away and getting very tired of listening to all this), I just miss H and us all as one (why after all he has done?)
I don't know what to do anymore, everything he does is nice, when he's talking to me he looks and acts like my H and my friend, but then he turns nasty, and verbally abusive, then reconciliatory, then pulling away, over and over and I really could use some advice!!
I'm so sorry you find yourself here, but you will find support and good advice. I'm pretty new to this myself, but your H sure sounds like he's in the throes of a MLC. The confusion, flip flopping, touch and goes, running, hiding, etc. seem like hallmarks of it. Do you see any signs of depression?
Have you tried N/C (no contact) yet with your H? Going dark and not being available can sometimes get them to move toward you.
You must prepare yourself that there may be an OW in the picture. It seems very strange that he doesn't want you and the children in the same city with him. What is he afraid of? Your H sounds like he's in the Replay Stage and from what I understand that is when an OW would come in if there is one. Hopefully an OW is not the case.
Other more experienced DBer's will be along to help you out.
No obvious depression, or at least not really any different as compared to the last many years.
N/C or dim ALL THE TIME!! And for real, because I am way too busy trying to work full-time, raise the kids on my own, and have no idea how to deal with this R. But he always comes into my space, and if I stay too quiet he'll come at me through the kids.
And he knows that the most important thing -to me- was my R with him (though he says he doesn't believe me) and my family being all together.
I'll think about the OW thing, but it doesn't really add up, at least I don't think he left us for "the one". Though I do think he might like to find "the one" now, whatever that is.
(here we go with the married 23 years oddity again..*hear Twilight Zone music in background*
Secondchance-
You've said yourself that he's racking up debt, that he is not extending financial, emotional or physical advantages to you or your family.
You do not have to make the first move towards anything 'legal', but you can consult with an attorney to find out how to protect yourself right at this moment. It seriously sounds like this is something that should be done sooner rather than later.
I agree with the NC suggestion, especially until you get on more stable emotional and financial footing..until you feel that you have the answers to some very important things that can affect you and the family. Your H is NOT going to be concerning himself with the same things that you are right now..which means you have to protect your own wellbeing.
Your H is so lost right now, and eventually you'll be able to accept that you won't be the one that can lead him out of it. You can stand off to the side, love him from a distance and keep him in your prayers, but it will have to be him that finds himself.
Women are angels. And when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick. We are flexible
Welcome to the MLC "club". We are all unwilling members. Your H sure has the classic signs and as you probably already know, there are no quick fixes. As a matter of fact YOU CAN'T fix it, he has to go through this all by himself.
I can relate to your pain. My WH of 32 years left me and D16 in January for "the one". I've been dealing with his drama since I discovered the affair in September 09. The rollercoaster never stops.
Best thing you can do for you and your kids is to GAL and try not to think about what he does. If he is invading your space, set some boundaries. I know easier said then done.
From what I've heard since there is no OW (soul-mate) there is a chance that he may go through "Replay" faster. But there are no rules, each case is different.
If he is spending money like there is no tomorrow, you have to try to protect your interests. Maybe a separation agreement?
Take care of you and the kids
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
Sorry you are here but you will find out this is a great place to be. Have you read DB/DR books. They are the basis of everything we do here. Your H is starting a journey and you have to take your own trip also. Make the best use of this time that you can. You are being given a gift of time to start to make YOU into the best possible person.
What hobbies have you left behind, take a class but whatever it is do it for YOU!
I will come back later to give you the links to the resources so you can arm yourself with knowledge.
Don't tell WH anything about this site or books. It is your secret weapon.
SecondChance, Sounds like he's got the best of both worlds. I would set up an appointment and speak to a lawyer to see what you can do to protect yourself, children and above all else your finances/assets. Your h has blown through quite a bit of money already and isn't finished yet. You do not need to be accountable for his debt, so run, do not walk to the telephone and call a lawyer.
Second, he cannot dictate to you as to where you will live. If you want to live in the same area that he is, do it. He has absolutely no control over your life and how you live it now. After all, he made the decision to walk out the door and do his own thing w/o any discussions w/you.
As for the op, there most likely is one in his life right now. He's just not sharing everything w/you. If he had nothing to hide, he wouldn't be so adament that you not live in the same area.
Life is far too short to allow this man to have that much say over what you can and cannot do. Live your life to the fullest because each day is a gift and one we should not turn down.
Set your boundaries as far as visitation w/the children. Insist that he call or text first before just popping over, etc.
I know it's difficult when they are like this, but try to keep the focus on you and your children.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
Remember that in the stages of MLC it does NOT go 1,2,3,4,5,6 but can get all mixed up and repeat itself and have more than one stage at once. Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Hi everyone has given you great advice and all I can do is re[eat some of it Your H wants you nto stay put..be available and not move on hang on a thread on the other hand he wants to explore life withour the responsibilities of a live in family with the financial stuff everyone is right these mlcers spend and spend for us who had known them so well for so long it is shocking to see how much they blow thru MY xh is in debt I have no idea how he spent 50,000 plus on credit cards in two years but I would seperate the finances--makwe sure your name is off any of his credit cards Give him no money of yours see a L*you dont have to file, just get info* create stability dor your kids you have to be the strong stable parent watch him from a far as you spend your energy on your healing and growth peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
I did go see a L to separate the finances. H said ...
1) Don't do it, it will cause us to argue 2) I will fight you over custody and finances 3) He told his lawyer that we were actively reconciling and that he did not want to file.
But we're not reconciling, I mean he wont live with us, he keeps setting up his alternate new life in another city, and he still blames me for almost everything that goes wrong for him and went wrong with our relationship. He still says he can't make up his mind on whether or not he wants to be with me (after 23 years of marriage!!).
One close friend suggested it was just a ploy to significantly reduce payments because he made much less money this year then any year previously, or probably in the future; he wants to move the calendar year of separation. Which would mean I would have to move the kids AGAIN, 3rd time in 1 year, which would be awful.
How do you know if they really want to be with you, or if they are just positioning themselves better? It's SO hard to trust anything after what H did, even though my heart wishes we could be all together again.
