Jack was and is right; there is NOT always a OW/OM when the bomb is dropped. Most of the time it is for lack of opportunity.
The first time I got a "bomb" dropped on me was when my husband's mother died; there was NO OW then, but that was lack of opportunity. I got a first hand preview of what his MLC was going to be like for around 6 months..that was in 1996...at the end of that six months, he came out, I came out, neither one had learned ANYTHING....3 years later, in 1999, he had an accident that claimed someone's life; and that was the beginning of his MLC.
That time, there WAS an OW; and she came to light within two years after his started, just AFTER the bomb dropped on me again...I first found the Porn on the computer, that caused him to begin to "wake up" and begin to realize he could lose me if he didn't do something...then he tried getting rid of her; and she started hot pursuit..that is how I found out about her.
I don't think he ever meant for it to go as far as it did, but it did...and he paid dearly for that in terms of guilt and misery for quite awhile.
It seems the majority of the time when the bomb is dropped, OW/OM is hiding in the shadows, but NOT always. The percentage seems to be low that the "running" they do involves drugs/alcohol.
But there are cases out there like that; I just haven't seen any that I can remember here on the board in the past. I could be wrong, and my memory could be faulty about that one, too. Someone please correct me if I'm wrong.
That does NOT mean there aren't any, though...Flowmom comes to mind, she's over on Newcomers. Her husband is suffering deep depression, but unless I've missed something, he has NO OW at this time.
That's at least ONE that I can think of, present-day.
Again, and a gentle reminder, your journey is what's important, not your MLC husband's, and the issues that have put him in the place he's in...these are HIS problems, not yours. I can tell you from experience it will drive you crazy to try and understand how things have gotten to this place.
There will always be things you won't understand and have to let go into God's hands in this...I, too, faced many things I never understood, and had to let them go.
No one will ever understand everything and why it happens. Only He knows the whys and hows, He shows what is relevant to our marriage/life together, and the other He simply asks that we trust Him with what we cannot understand.
The human mind is so very complicated, we cannot even pretend to understand what goes on within; especially during this trying time.
Set your mind at ease, if you can, rest within His peace, and walk your journey, one step at a time, one day at a time.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
