THanks friends you really helped me through a rough day. I went to IC= he's also our MC I cancelled couple's and made it a me day.
C said that I'm trying so hard to grow and often he sees the other partner respond when one does this. He doesn't see H responding and he says it's hard to watch me get hurt over and over. C said that if H is not willing to grow, and is emotionally shut down because of drugs then I won't get anything from him and thinks I should stop trying so I don't get hurt.
He confirmed that H is still so full of anger he is pushing me away and trying to nitpick everything I do to justify his emotional avoidance.
I cried and cried and it felt good.
But the thing I got was - it's not my fault. H always tries to make it my fault. It is not. It's not my fault he choses drugs over growth. It's not my fault he avoids feelings. I have to repeat this a million times to heal the feeling of rejection. Then I felt as if a 12 tone weight was lifted off my back.
This enabled me to do a 180 (which H wont' notice probably) and not be emotional, convincing, reacting as I tend to do.
Other thing - I asked H why he wanted to do passover here. He said his mom is not that into it and she always complains and does it half way and her house is not that clean and it's a long drive - and that our s would be more comfortable here. I don't know if I believe it's this non-emotional or if it's more blather. But maybe it's not the big deal I thought it was.
