Moving Foward

[C-Bart]

DW, Same as you.

[Kemper]

C-Bart,

Thanks. Being male and also having a job that requires me to solve problems all day doesn't help when you know you aren't supposed to try and solve the problem.

MSH,

I have read some where the mother has done stuff very similar to your W. Not at all saying I agree with it but it has happened.

You are right in staying out of it IMHO. It is up to your W to make the effort to mend the R with D13. I also agree with you that pride is probably a big factor in this.

I am sure pride will be a big factor with my W if she ever decides she regrets the actions she has taken.

[MHL]

Kemper,
Did she spend the night out or did she come home? How is it going today?

[Cie la vie]

K,

The best I can come up with is that she is "in love" and is hooked on that "drug".

Did W express to you that she was "in love"? I never got that from mine but I never really tried to extract info from her and although I have been a bit of snoop when it comes to her cell phone I still feel the less I know the better I am. I just remember when I uncovered the A and a few days later discovered she had made plans to fly out to see the OM (after telling me she was going to a spa with a GF), I told her this was harsh and wrong and she just said plain and simple "I'm going, I'm going". Man I was just blown away by the complete lack of empathy. I never brought the OM or A up again, that was back in early Nov.

I would love to think that my W with snap out of the fog and regret her decision/actions. However, I can't hold onto that hope anymore.

Nor can I, it is self torture and counter productive. Trying not to think that way, however, is a lot easier said than done.

It may hit many walk away spouses like a ton of bricks, but do they have so much pride that we would never know?

I think the answer to that may have a lot to do with how the LBS handles the sitch as it unfolds. If the LBS trys to constantly guilt the WAS and tell them they are making a big mistake they may inadvertantly set the table for the awakened WAS to stay away rather than face the "I told you so" attitude of the LBS. Another good reason to simply take the high road.

I can hope that my W has a change of heart, BUT I am not going to sit idly by waiting for that either. It doesn't do me any good and it sure doesn't do my boys any good either.

Completely agree. No sense in waiting on something that at least for me seems highly unlikely and the kids will have enough to struggle with as it is.

The whole detaching thing is a bit nebulous to me, at times I feel I am there only to have bouts of despair bubble back up to remind me that I'm really not. As time passes the bubbling episodes seem to be further and further apart. I can only hope that trend continues.

[Kemper]

MSH,

Did she spend the night out or did she come home? How is it going today?

She ended up staying out Sat night and got home around 9 on Sunday morning. I got ready and went to church, then the grocery store. After getting home my W was civil. I spent a little bit of time and then went to a friends house to watch the football games.

When I got home I spent a little bit of time with my boys before putting them to bed. What really killed me was I asked my oldest if he had fun today and he was sad. He said that Mommy didn't play with him. I felt bad for going out and thought that I should have stayed home and spent the time with him. It just kills me how much this is going to impact the boys and the fact that my W doesn't seem to give two sh1ts.

Cie la vie,

Did W express to you that she was "in love"?

No, to this day my W denies the A. However, during some of our C sessions she made comments about how relationships shouldn't take work. She also commented once when I confronted her about an EA that they were just friends, he was easy to talk to and she didn't have to work at it. This just shows me how much my W thinks that things should be easy and nothing take work. You need to understand that my W has basically had everything handed to her, her entire life.

Nor can I, it is self torture and counter productive. Trying not to think that way, however, is a lot easier said than done.

I couldn't agree more that it is easier said than done.

I think the answer to that may have a lot to do with how the LBS handles the sitch as it unfolds. If the LBS trys to constantly guilt the WAS and tell them they are making a big mistake they may inadvertantly set the table for the awakened WAS to stay away rather than face the "I told you so" attitude of the LBS. Another good reason to simply take the high road.

I think there is a fine line here. I wanted to say something to my W on Sat about the A because I wanted her to hear it from me. That is the last time that the A will ever come up unless she decides that she wants to work on the R/M. At that point I will want details and full transparency along with strong boundaries being upheld.

You don't want to be a doormat. However, you also want them to face the music and be held accountable. That doesn't mean rubbing their face in it but they need to admit it, show remorse, and show they are willing to fight for what they want if they want to be with you.

The whole detaching thing is a bit nebulous to me...

Detaching only means that you will be ok if the worst case scenario happens. It doesn't mean that you don't care, or don't still love your S. I look at it this way. I WANT to be with my W but I don't NEED my W. If my W never regrets her decision (which I have a hard time even thinking she will now) then I will be ok and my life will move on without her as my W, friend, and confidant.

All,

All in all yesterday was a good day with the exception of my oldest being upset when I got home. Today was a totally different scenario. While most of the time I cycle between a range of emotions hourly today that didn't happen. I was angry the whole day at my W. I didn't show any of that anger when I got home but I did feel it during the day. I kept asking questions that I don't know the answer to and probably never will.

Why is she being so selfish?
Doesn't she see how this will impact the boys?
Why couldn't she even try to work on the R/M?
How come the easy way out is the way it has to be, if you believe in something you fight for it?
Why couldn't she just let me know that she wasn't happy before going outside the marriage and having an A?
Will she ever regret her decision?

The list goes on and on.

After reading and responding to threads on the board tonight I actually felt better. It sucks that we are all going through this and to see so many people commited to their M it suprises me how the WAS doesn't see that. However, it shows me that there are good people out there that took/take their vows seriously. I am pushing towards separation and I sometimes question that approach but I am moving down that path and I don't want to turn back now. It isn't because I have to much pride, it is because I don't think letting my W have the best of both worlds is the right answer.

[Cie la vie]

Kemper,

She also commented once when I confronted her about an EA that they were just friends, he was easy to talk to and she didn't have to work at it.

Classic! My wife told me that she feels happy when she talks to the OM. And as you know I have a tendency to snoop/spy and my W would early on in the A (nov. 09) grab a glass of wine and head out to our garage and kick back on one of our adirondack chairs and talk w/OM for about an hour. Well I sneaked out and ease dropped on one call. I overheard her say "you are so sweet" and "I've been stuck in this relationship" and finally "How did I get so lucky". What a joke. The love drug in full effect.

Detaching only means that you will be ok if the worst case scenario happens. It doesn't mean that you don't care, or don't still love your S. I look at it this way. I WANT to be with my W but I don't NEED my W. If my W never regrets her decision (which I have a hard time even thinking she will now) then I will be ok and my life will move on without her as my W, friend, and confidant.

Based on your meaning of detached I believe I am damn close to having achieved it. I can't see the day where I won't have caring feelings for the W even given all the horse sh1t she has put me through thus far. Add the children to the equation and the idea of saying adios take good care isn't possible.

I can say with confindence if we didn't have children together and given her current behavior and treatment of me I would easily say good bye and never look back. One thing for sure I will make zero effort to contact her on anything non parenting related moving forward.

I'm with you on the anger thing when the W's selfishness negatively impacts the children. It just pisses me off and is unacceptable. And although my children don't yet get that mommy is being selfish when she goes hiking instead of taking them to a b-day party for a classmate daddy knows and grits his teeth.

I ask myself the same questions you have listed and the answer to many of them seem to revolve around the fantasy land fog they find themselves in. I feel strongly that if my W wasn't engaged in an A and had still filed for divorce and than saw the effort I have made to correct the problems she stated for filing in the first place I may not have found this forum.

The OM and the A empowered my W to take that fateful step of filing for D in my opinion.

Will she ever regret her decision?

I think they will and we as you mentioned previously may never get the pleasure of knowing they do.

Stay strong we know there are continued tough times ahead but in the end we will be fine and better men than when this all started.

[dwinter82]

Kemp, just checking in. How are you doing? Anything new to report?

[MHL]

Kemp,
Second on DW's motion, What is going on? How are you doing?

[nikblondiew]

Kemper,
Your last post was very relatable for me. I know how you feel with regards to your kids and marriage.

Why is she being so selfish?
Doesn't she see how this will impact the boys?
Why couldn't she even try to work on the R/M?
How come the easy way out is the way it has to be, if you believe in something you fight for it?
Why couldn't she just let me know that she wasn't happy before going outside the marriage and having an A?
Will she ever regret her decision?

Hit it dead on here with those questions...I ask them often..or at least I did...now I've come to the terms (Sort of that I can't make my H change, feel this way or that way. But those questions lerk and do anger me.

What affects me the most is my H relationship with our son. He is a good dad when they do spend time together but it's nothing to have days 5-6 go by without him seeing him. We live maybe 3 miles apart. I know he loves him, dearly, but sadly his depression is robbing him of relationships and life.

I agree with you, it is bittersweet that there are so many of us here but restores my faith that there are good people out there who do value their marriages and vows.

[Kemper]

Well I haven't been on the board for some time mainly because I needed a break and also because there wasn't much to report.

My W and boys moved out a little over a week ago. I miss the little guys so much but at least they were excited to go stay at a new place and don't fully understand what is happening.

I feel like I am cycling through all the emotions all over again now that they have moved out. The main emotion that keeps coming up is anger towards my W. I will state again that I wasn't perfect in our marriage but I was at least willing to work on it.

I called W tonight to see when she was going to be finished getting everything out of the house. There are still odds and ends around and I am tired of feeling like I still share the house with another person.

Later tonight I received an email with some key dates for the boys and their mothers morning out program. Additionally, she mentioned that she might take the boys to a neighborhood Easter party that it appears the hostess invited us both to. She mentioned that she is sure the boys would like to see me then. I am not sure if we were both invited on purpose as the hostess knows our situation and also knows that I wouldn't have the boys that weekend. My W also mentioned taking the boys to church on Easter Sunday if I wanted to go.

WTF? I am holding back on sending a response because I know if I respond the only thing I am going to say is that we aren't a family anymore and I don't feel like pretending to be one. Do I want to see my boys, yes. Do I want them to get the wrong message, no. Do I want myself to get the wrong message, no.

As of now my plan is to skip both the Easter party and church.