That (What) incident has happened to me several times in the past. It's always hurt. I usually get angry, which I know is not good. I'm sorry for all the hurt that goes on these boards. Damn, it just doesn't make sense.
NCB...{{{{hugs}}}} I know that must be so very difficult, but you did a good job handling it. I am sure your X does want you to give up, so hold tight. Make your interactions with your boys as psoitive as possible. Have your kids had any counseling? It may become necessary for them, especially the youngest who is obviously struggling. Getting a professional involved may be the best thing. They may be able to see what your X is doing and help stop it....or worst case scenario, be a witness if you end up back in court.
"You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf." Jon Kabat-Zinn
I think divorce is hard on kids. Your X isn't helping matters. You need to let go of your anger, too. I know how tough it is to do that with a toxic ex, but you can pray and be strong and do that I have faith in you.
I think if that happens again; you should remind your son that it's your time to be with him. My kids are very concerned (most kids I think) with being fair and stress that it would be unfair if one parent monopolized the time of the other parent. I would grab him if I needed to and carry him out of there (he's 5 not 15), and not let your X dawdle around hoping you'll change your mind. I'm sure it's tough for your S5 to be in that position; maybe like feeling like tug of war or something and he's the rope.
I would try to talk to him about it also. Like today or tomorrow, not the actual day. Your X may be saying something or he might have just had a bad day. It would be good to find out what's going on and talk about it. I do think, even if your X did something horrible, don't discuss it with your S, but instead maybe start documenting for future discussion with an L.
Just remember that some kids just really dislike the moment of change. He might just as easily cry and say he wants to stay with you at the end of your weekend. It's a lot like kids who cry when dropped off at preschool - go back 20 minutes later, and they're happy as clams. Then they cry when you go to pick them up.
I'd try NOT to make any kind of deal at all about handoffs.
Poet, thanks. And I agree that it makes no sense. Too many good people I see here in these forums and in other venues are put through H*ll for no good reason.
BND, thanks also. Neither of my S's have had counseling for their parents splitting up. S5's pre-K teachers and counselor asked us about that as well. About this time last year I tried to convince xW that we should get both S5 and S9 into some form of counseling, having lined up three references which I had checked out. But xW would not hear of it. She insisted that our S's would be just fine and that D was not going to have any impact on them unless I screwed them up. She obviously feels that she can directly control how our S's feel, even with something as fundamental as their family being severed.
I realized that getting my S's into counseling was going to be in vain if I could not gain xW's cooperation. It was apparent she would thwart any C sessions during her weeks of custody. I now wish I had overridden her.
Karen, I think as I have come to lose all hope that xW will reciprocate any good faith effort by me, I am learning to let go of my anger. I am certain she will continue to try to hurt me and infuriate me, but I am learning to not care anything about her or her actions, but to treat her as the instinct-driven, irrational and dangerous animal she has become, no different than an enraged water buffalo prone to charge. Given that, I can view her harms and her threats as no different than a force of nature. But it does sadden me still, to a degree, to realize that I am having to effectively dehumanize her in my mind to be able to cope with her heinous ways.
Hi, Ellie, my kids definitely do not like change, and they are hugely averse to transitions of any kind. S9, in particular, is acutely sensitive to having to change gears.
However as far as the weekly schedule -- one week with each parent, alternating -- it has been almost exactly two years now (with the separation itself having started almost a year before that). My S's should be fairly well acclimated to this regular "changing of the guards" by now, or so I would reason.
But if I could maintain my calm (at least outwardly) in the face of what transpired on Friday, then I think I can certainly avoid making any big deals out of handoffs going forward.
---
I had a fairly quiet weekend with my S's, despite the torrential start Friday evening. S5 seems to have calmed down considerably, but he is obviously feeling less secure in general. Several times over th course of the weekend he sought reassurances from me that I love him and care for him. Asking me to tickle him, or to sit on my lap to watch a show, or to crawl into my bed late at night. It worries me that something is affecting his sense of peace and security so, but I am at the same time relieved that he can still allow himself to seek comfort in me, his father.
I am trying to be as neutral in my own demeanor as possible, neither too "up" nor too "down", but always ready to show S5 and S9 that I love them despite whatever circumstance may arise. I am their father, not their playmate, though as a father I do and did get down and play with them and enjoyed myself with them and their company. They need a father, as all children do.
At times though, I thought later back upon it and wondered: was I actually now walking on eggshells this weekend, with my own children? Is that normal? Or is to be expected given the circumstances?
And then I wondered, how on earth could I have gotten into a situation where my family, or what remains of it, could be hanging so precariously? But like being on the edge of a cliff, I am telling myself to not look down, but to continue forward -- if I am lucky we will all get past this, I hope.
Set up the counseling now and do it during the weeks you have custody. She may not like it but I cannot imagine any judge saying that a child of divorce cannot go to counseling. I did it in the past year and wish I had done it sooner. I was also afraid of the backlash from my X. I finally decided it didn't matter and I didn't care what he thought, and I thought it would be good for the kids. Unfortunately we have been inconsistent bacause there is a lack of counselors who see children in my area, and it is sometimes hard for me to take time off during the day to take them. So we go when we can.
"You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf." Jon Kabat-Zinn
The first step is already under way, getting S5 screened for Asperger's Syndrome, per the Project Enlightenment counselor's recommendation. Whether positive of negative, this will be the lead in for full counseling -- I will make sure of that. If nothing else, I will impress upon the parenting coordinator that this needs to happen, for both of my S's.
NC, you did extraordinarily, admirably well under hellish conditions.
Originally Posted By: NoCodeBlues
At times though, I thought later back upon it and wondered: was I actually now walking on eggshells this weekend, with my own children? Is that normal? Or is to be expected given the circumstances?
No, it's not "normal" but no part of this sitch -or your lives- is "normal." And, yes, I'd expect it and I'd react the same way, too during a weekend that started off like that. Find a good family counselor and go with them, all three of you. I did with my two sons right after (sigh) my first divorce and it did us all a lot of good.
And, yes, you will all get through this.
Prayers and dad-to-dad admiration from one of your lurkers.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Thanks, Gardener. I do appreciate your words of support. I am grateful to have the wise counsel and support of so many good folk here in the DB forums, such as yourself.
On the other hand, in humility, I don't let myself entirely off the hook with regards to S5's issues. In the past, even when I have held my tongue, I am certain my true feelings about xW's actions do come out, try as I might to suppress them. As a result I have failed to keep my injuries hidden, not entirely, and thus my S's know of the pain I feel from their mother. And that is not something commendable on my part, by any measure.
But I really believe I am now starting to turn the corner on that, learning to put that behind me. I pray that I am, at least.
I will, as you suggest, follow back up on the family therapist groups that I had researched and contacted lat year. (Our parenting coordinator is himself a family psychiatrist, incidentally. But because I have determined that he lacks any conscionable moral convictions, I cannot really employ his particular help. At this point, I'm not sure he has a value system that would allow him to truly understand the implications.)
On another front, the S has hit the fan with respect to my brothers. One of my brothers, K, the middle son, is married but going through a S and D. I have related here in my threads the odd similarities in circumstances and contrasted the stark difference in reactions to our respective predicaments.
This past weekend, my youngest brother, B (unmarried), opened a can of verbal Whoop-arse on our mutual sister-in-law, K's wife. B called her out on her treachery and lies to our family, including her reconciled R and alliance with my own xW, while leading K along to think she was working in everyone's interests before her own, when it has always been the opposite. My STBXSIL was once pretty palsy with my youngest brother, her younger brother-in-law, since they are closer to the same age themselves, but now that's over and done with.
I spoke to my brother, and what set him off (this has been building for some time) was that he learned that our SIL had via FB sent her love and glad tidings to my xW upon hearing she had become engaged to remarry -- even knowing full well this was xW's affair partner.
I haven't spoken to K about this yet, but I understand he's pretty upset with B for stirring up trouble with his WAW. I need to talk to K, but I am betting he just wants to sweep any conflict under the carpet.
