Can you get a referral, then meet with the lawyer to see if you really like him/her? then put a small retainer down for the divorce proceedings, if it comes to that, if not you use him/her for consulting until the retainer runs out or D goes through then you pay the full amount - sorry I don't mean to say it'll get to that but you'll be prepared. I did that last time, and yes it was expensive but sometimes we don't have much of a choice.
Personally I'd prefer that over $300/hr because questions will come up and you could just email a lawyer and get a response. Maybe look online for BAR referrals for 'online lawyers'. I know there are a few message boards where they give the garden variety legal advice for free.
Last edited by StupidRomeo; 03/22/1010:31 PM.
Me: 35|WAW: 38|D: 6yo | http://tinyurl.com/2dxx7m6 Feb 2006, left, came back in two weeks Aug 2006, left again Apr 2007, filed for divorce Dec 2007, reunited Mar 2010, moved out, filed again
Not sure if I want to go the online route. Given the children being involved, I think that collaborative D is the best option for us. The L I'm checking with does collaborative D. My IC backed that up and he has a lot of experience with D, collaborative and otherwise.
I know that CG is not a fan of collaborative D, but I just can't afford for things to get ugly with the kids being involved. A solution that we can't agree on is not a solution...esp when it comes to custody.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
well the L i picked must be doing something right...I can't get an appt with her until Apr 9
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
IMO that retainer is more than reasonable and on the low side. I interviewed several firms before choosing my firm and not one firm had a retainer fee less than 3500.00. The firm I chose was higher than 3500.00 and worth every penny since my H had to pay
Yes, you are correct, I am not a fan of collaborative divorce. If you read my first thread you will see why. In general I don't feel it is a good solution because if things get ugly during the collaboration process 99% of the time you are spending more money to (1) start over or (2) let the attnys handle it all anyhow. I think people don't expect collaboration to get difficult but it does no matter what. And, your H didn't collaborate with you when he left you and the children so he set the tone, not you.
I feel that when you (generally speaking) go the collaboration route you must be VERY detached and while I know you are working hard, you are not there yet (but you will get there!). Also, you still look at your H as the man you love and chances are he won't be treating you like a wife during the collaboration process and it does get very hurtful. You (generally) cannot act on emotion for ONE SECOND during the collaboration process or things will fall apart. You will hear things from your H that you will not like, that will hurt, sting and shock you. Your H has already mastered being cold and distant towards you and that will not change during collaboration.
It is very difficult to DB during collaboration without getting rolled since your DB goal towards your H is positive affirmation. You certainly don't want to praise him during the collaboration process.
Lastly, you rely on your H almost 100% for bills and living expenses and IMO he will only bully you because in that area he has the upper hand.
You and your H can't even agree now about what you should be doing when he has the children. It seems he thinks you should be working non-stop and that is not reality. Why do you think that will change during the collaboration process? You verbally committed to help with the debt because he asked. How do you think things will go when you let him know that no, you won't be doing that anymore?
Is your IC an attny? I understand he might have experience dealing with the emotional side of things but you must remember he is YOUR IC, not your H's.
These are my thoughts based on my experience which you may have gathered by now was not good. I know Gardnener had a hard time too. I hope I am 10,000% wrong about your situation.
Well as H took the kids away to his place tonight, we were waiting for the elevator and there was an awkward silence. Then he said, "about talking about finances...I didn't want to talk about overarching finances. I just wanted to talk about whether you have enough childcare time to do the work that you need to do [pretty sure he meant relative to the demands of my contracts] and want to do". It actually came off as respectful and attempting to reassure me that he is not trying to push forward with big financial decision-making.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
This seems promising, flowmom. What was your gut feeling during this conversation and as you think about it now?
I think that he wavers between "I shouldn't have to put up with this [censored]" and some tiny care for me (possibly only as the mother of his children) and desire to be a good guy. I would guess it was the latter talking today.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
- working on incorporating more humour, relaxed vibe into our interactions
- working on expressing appreciation towards H when appropriate
- trying to build on his communications, but find that tricky
- use "soft startup" when initiating communication rather than jumping right into my issue
- continue 180s: slimmer, on the ball with makeup/hair/clothes, cheerful/pleasant, mysterious about where I go out at night, don't take bait when he gets passive-aggressive
- if he brings up wanting to start mediation: I'll say I understand he doesn't want to be married but I'm not ready to enter into negotiations...if there is an issue that he would like to resolve immediately let's figure it out
- if he brings up dating: this is tricky because basically promised he would tell me if he started dating, but he asked my best friend "in theory" how I would react if he started dating. If he brings up dating to my face I will say "I'm sorry to hear that you don't want to be married to me but I can't stop you from dating".
- continue being proactive about coparenting communication
- continue GAL, IC, working towards independence, working towards acceptance of D, branching out socially and activity-wise
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Hmmm. That's not good. I guess it's because that's really all our relationship is now, except sharing our beautiful little ones
Originally Posted By: mindfull
I could take some lessons from you on the "soft startup"!! I'm about as soft as a bull in a china shop! when you can, elaborate...
No you couldn't because I'm a beginner . But it DOES seem to help and it was advised by my DB coach. It's based on Gottman's work (marriage expert, he has several books based on research he has done). He found that "harsh startup" was one of the most problematic communication styles. DB coach recommended first asking for permission to talk about something, and even get them to pursue it a bit. Like "is this a good time to talk about X" in a soft way. Then beat around the bush a bit/express apprecation "I really appreciate everything that you've been doing to make things easier for me, like picking the kids up here and dropping them off here". Try to establish some kind of sharing or teamwork vibe. Then bring up the issue in a soft, tentative way.
NOT my communication style at all. But what I've been doing hasn't been working, especially for my very reactive H.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
. But it DOES seem to help and it was advised by my DB coach. It's based on Gottman's work (marriage expert, he has several books based on research he has done). He found that "harsh startup" was one of the most problematic communication styles. DB coach recommended first asking for permission to talk about something, and even get them to pursue it a bit. Like "is this a good time to talk about X" in a soft way. Then beat around the bush a bit/express apprecation "I really appreciate everything that you've been doing to make things easier for me, like picking the kids up here and dropping them off here". Try to establish some kind of sharing or teamwork vibe. Then bring up the issue in a soft, tentative way.