Could it be?

[ericmsant2]

Upside -

I am not an expert at this but in my sitch I would have jump for joy if I recieved an "I Love you" from my W.

Hang in there you can do this!

[Upside]

I've been incredibly busy...not much time to post lately.

I have been doing my best to be patient. I did tell my H the other day that I see us going back to the way things were. I reminded him that he did say he would be moving back within the month and I don't see that happening. He replied that he wants to get over his depression before he moves back. Okay, that would be all fine and good if he were really trying to work on himself but he cancels his IC quite frequently. Not sure if he has had only 2 or 3 IC sessions. He must be paying a small fortune to the C for all of his cancelled appointments. We have spent several nights together this week but there seems to be little to no real connection occurring. I am thinking it may be time to set some new boundaries since communication from him has been a little sparatic and that isn't acceptable to me.

If I look for positives this week, My H did attempt to help me clean up the kitchen after dinner one night this week. That is a first since the bomb.

What did you think of what HB wrote?

I agree with HB that every time my H runs back it adds more time to this however when he does withdraw, it doesn’t seem as far. He constantly wants to knows know I am there but he still isn’t ready to fully commit to the marriage. He is now using business pressure and depression as the excuse. As far as the “children of his issues” go, I have only seen a rebellious teenager not wanting to be controlled by his mother. I don't know about his disintegration of personality yet. I suppose I will know it when I see it.

I know that you want understanding on his side. If that's what I'm looking for, I tend to double my efforts at being understanding or asking for clarification ie: "maybe I don't understand what it's like for you, would you share that with me?"

I have a tendency to always think I understand. I do need to validate more…it would just be nice to get a little validation in return every now and then…I know, it will happen eventually...right???

You're getting movement toward you, and that's a good sign.

From what I can see, he's pursuing you some, as he's keeping up the phone calls; staying in touch, and coming around more.

Little by little he appears to be coming back toward you.

I think my H is slowest moving MLCer in history. He has been moving toward me (...and then away...and then toward me) ever so slowly for at least 2 years now. Right now, I feel like we are in the same place we were when I gave him the deadline. Yes, he is busy (and scared) and I am busy but if we keep going on like this forever, we will be dead before he recommits. I thought the NC helped to push him forward but I’m not really seeing that right now. Any thought on how long I should let things go on like this?

If you recall, I mentioned that this part of the journey is the hardest one of all...you see him inching his way towards you and yet he's still so far away.

He is still so far away and yes, this is hard and I am trying to keep my expectations at zero…in fact, right now I am back to feeling numb, not really caring all that much if he comes or goes. That can’t be good either.

I am not an expert at this but in my sitch I would have jump for joy if I recieved an "I Love you" from my W.

There was a part of me that did jump for joy and then there is that other part of me that has learned to keep my expectations at zero and in the grand scheme of things, an “I love you” doesn’t really mean all that much. It is the actions that show he loves me that truly mean something.

Thank you all as always for your support and encouragement.

[HeartsBlessing]

I think my H is slowest moving MLCer in history. He has been moving toward me (...and then away...and then toward me) ever so slowly for at least 2 years now. Right now, I feel like we are in the same place we were when I gave him the deadline. Yes, he is busy (and scared) and I am busy but if we keep going on like this forever, we will be dead before he recommits. I thought the NC helped to push him forward but I’m not really seeing that right now. Any thought on how long I should let things go on like this?

That would be up to you, Upside. It is common for a MLC'er to "move back and forth" as he moves closer to the final stage of Acceptance.

He is probably NOT the slowest moving MLC'er; but I don't know anyone who was any slower.
You MAY be in the same place you were when you gave him the first deadline; what's important now is to move beyond that time.
What is different between now and that last time?

Something to think about:
I saw things that were SO similar as we came back around to the point we'd been before, but was able to see a mistake I'd made previously,(pushing hard, etc) that had set things back, and avoided making that same mistake so things would move past that same point.

I know you're having troubles with patience and waiting; but it seems that when you move on with your life totally, AS IF he's not coming back, that's when the most movement occurs.

At least he's talking about getting past his depression before moving back...my husband would NOT admit that he even HAD a problem; even as he moved forward. He wouldn't get counseling, nothing.
There are quite a few things they have to work out within themselves; IC could help, but when it comes down to the nitty gritty, it is STILL up to the MLC'er to work them out inside, getting answers they are looking for.
That may also be the reason for lack of communication; I'd bet you've seen some odd looks in his eyes, the indication he's looking inside for answers...to me, it looked like "puppy dog" eyes..they seem to get bigger when they are looking within.
And they don't talk much when this is happening..the train of thought they are on is a deep one.

You'll know most of what he's faced when he talks to you about it, and he will when he's ready.

In my own experience, there came a time in this that I just let go, totally, moving right along, and almost forgot he was there...THAT was when he ended up walking on my heels(not in a literal sense), and startled me.

I had stopped watching him so much; and somehow managed to get on with it; stopping all the worrying about where he was and when he was going to come on and join me.

Before I reached that point, I was on edge and anxious, worried, and starting to get angry. I was at the end of my patience, or so I thought. I guess what I really did was give up completely, letting go to let the Lord work; I was tying His hands as I was interfering more with the situation than I'd thought.

I moved forward myself; treating him more like a friend of mine than anything else; and didn't really spend anymore time "waiting" on him.
He was already back to telling me he loved me; but everything was not "back" at that point.

I remember finally thinking "Lord if this is meant to be, please help to bring him forward, if not, help me to do what I need to do at a later time."
And I made myself just let go, keeping ALL expectations at zero...just going on with my life. I wasn't waiting anymore, I was moving forward, and actually felt much better about it.

Keep us posted; and don't give up, Upside, just let go.

[ericmsant2]

Upside

There was a part of me that did jump for joy and then there is that other part of me that has learned to keep my expectations at zero and in the grand scheme of things, an “I love you” doesn’t really mean all that much. It is the actions that show he loves me that truly mean something.

This is point that I need to get to, which is hard. Your an inspiration sweetie...an inspiration. Your strength oozes from your posts.

[Upside]

Not much to update on. My H has been busy with his trial all week so we haven't seen that much of each other. He has spent several nights at my house and has called or texted everyday so that is positive. He will be coming over later today and possibly spending the rest of the weekend here...who knows! I've got plenty to do regardless of what he does.

His trial seems to be going well and coming to an end so it might be time for me to nudge him just a tiny little bit about moving back...I don't know.

HB-Thank you for the reassurance. It can be difficult to be patient sometimes.

What is different between now and that last time?

That is a good question. I do sense a difference...it is very slight and probably not noticable to anyone else but I do feel he is more certain of our relationship.

In my own experience, there came a time in this that I just let go, totally, moving right along, and almost forgot he was there...THAT was when he ended up walking on my heels(not in a literal sense), and startled me.

I have let go for the most part, living my life if he is with me or not. That is a good thing. I do find that my H doesn't seem to let me get too far away from him and that is reassuring for me. It would be nice to have him make some more movement toward coming home but I have to remind myself that he needs to do this when HE is ready.

This is point that I need to get to, which is hard. Your an inspiration sweetie...an inspiration. Your strength oozes from your posts.

eric, it is nice to hear that I am an inspiration to someone but just know I was where you are. I didn't understand how in the world my M fell apart. I thought we had a pretty good M. I knew my H loved me. If I hadn't found this place, I would have long been divorced. This place has helped me find empathy, understanding and patience (although I'm still working on that). This place has helped me see that I'm not the source of my H's problems although I need to continually work on making me a better person. This place has helped me recognize that there have been many people in my life (including my first H who married the OW) that have been in crisis. They made bad choices, blamed other people for their problems and some even came regret their actions later on.

You will find your way through this. It isn't always easy and we don't always get the outcome that we are hoping for but this journey forces you to grow and become stronger. You will get there just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Before you know it, you will be able to look back and see how far you have come.

[HeartsBlessing]

Good morning, Upside.

I have let go for the most part, living my life if he is with me or not. That is a good thing. I do find that my H doesn't seem to let me get too far away from him and that is reassuring for me. It would be nice to have him make some more movement toward coming home but I have to remind myself that he needs to do this when HE is ready.

You are a Staunchion; or Pillar of Strength to your husband; the fact he is not letting you get too far, is evidence that you are the "lighthouse" in his storm, and he is continuing to move toward you.

This is a good thing, indeed.

Only you would know the differences in the last time and now, as YOU know your situation better than anyone. Believe it or not, you DO know him better than you think, in spite of the MLC journey he is still on.

Your post is much calmer; as you're seeing some things in a different light now; and it is reassuring to yourself that letting go, and moving along AS IF he's not there is reeling him toward you.

I know this is hard, nothing good is EVERY easy to attain; it takes work and more work to get there...even if there is NOTHING you can do for the moment, you are STILL working at it.

You will find your way through this. It isn't always easy and we don't always get the outcome that we are hoping for but this journey forces you to grow and become stronger. You will get there just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Before you know it, you will be able to look back and see how far you have come.

This is TRUE wisdom that can be applied to ALL situations, regardless of whatever we may face in our lives.
Well said, Upside, and SO true.

You're a very strong lady, you always were.

Continue to keep us posted; have a great weekend with your husband.

Much love,
HB

[ericmsant2]

Upside -

You will find your way through this. It isn't always easy and we don't always get the outcome that we are hoping for but this journey forces you to grow and become stronger. You will get there just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Before you know it, you will be able to look back and see how far you have come.

Very true...very true... I will make it. I will grow from this.

[glamgirl]

Upside checking on you. Seems like your h is making progress, but slowly. How are you feeling about all that is going on. I will be in CA in June. We should get together again. I think I am staying a week.

I am on my way to AZ this week. Poolside with cocktails. Ha Ha!Long overdue vacays.

[Upside]

My H is trying to work toward moving back at the end of next month. Again, I did put a little pressure on him to come up with a date but things do seem to be moving in the right direction and he seemed okay with it. I am still trying to prepare myself that things could end up like they did last time.

This weekend, my H took a little trip out of town to "think". When he got back, he told me I should come over and see the apartment he has been living in for the last 2 1/2 years. I had given up asking about his apartment because he told me it is nothing and he has had no one there except his D. I was a bit stunned when he asked me to come see it...in fact, he wants me to come over and stay the night there sometime this week. I think it is a really wonderful thing that he is opening up to me however, I have a D16 at home. I suppose she can stay home with my S18 but it seems odd to tell them that I am going to spend the night at my H's apartment. Oh well, they are probably getting used to the strangeness of mine and my H's relationship.

HB-Thanks again for the encouragement. How is your H doing?

eric-You will get there...it does get easier.

glam-Have fun in AZ. Let me know when you will be coming out my way.

[peacetoday]

Upside
hopefully your situation will be taking a more permanent twist with your H moving home soon
It has been a crazy road and Im happy that yoiur situation is turning out this way for you
keep us posted and take care of you
Peace