I just didn't know if it was a good idea to call him an addict or not.
It won't likley help. When I tried that I was just told I was crazy.. ironic I know...
And my wife has a hons degree in psychology... go figure
The bottom line : You can't reason with an addict. Breaking an addiction requires hard ball tactics.
Now, I will have those who disagree, and I honeslty don't think all affairs are addictions, one night stands for instance, are not... there's no time for an addiction to build up
But your H is giving you the classic lines addicts do
I love you but I am not in love with you Our marriage is over I don't feel the same way anymore I can't lie to you anymore
etc
Its all rationalization to continue the destructive behaviuor.
I know its hard to think of an affair to be like a drug addiction, but if you think of it like COMPUSLIVE GAMBLING then it makes a lot more sense.
And no, you can't reason with a compulsive gambler either, these are all addictions
Symptoms
1. Isolation 2. Lying 3. Decline of social circles 4. Paranoia (not always present) 5. Unstable lifestyle (bills go unpaid, late paying rent) 6. Living two lives/personas - one to OW and her friends, a different personal to you and your family 7. Defensiveness 8. Secrecy - maintaining as much as possible 9. Vague statements - avoidance of specific details 10. Moodiness 11. Acts/Expressions of intense guilt followed a day or so later by complete indifference
There are more, but your H is meeting this pretty squarely as is...
Telling you think he's an addict will most likley drive him further away I would think.
Interventions and family support/pressure to end the fantasy lifestyle is the most effective means to end an affair that I have read so far.
Your fear is that you may lose him yes? If he does divorce you, you will have to face that anyways. MWD is pretty clear on learning to face independence to begin with.
Its not just NC, at least in my opinion, NC should be followed up with your family and his protesting his infidelity, the harm he's doing to both you and his children, while you say nothing and keep quiet... a silent protest on your part, and an active vocal protest by your support team for him to end the nonsense and take ownership of his responsabilities.
Not to mention, telling him he's an addict is indeed blatant pursuit.
You want to make a return home more appealing... add a bit of mystery in there too... telling him he's an addict is hardly inviting him home again...
It MIGHT help to educate your support team a bit, so they realize what they are dealing with...
Warning : it is VERY HARD to educate people about infidelity as being an addiction. Most people are educated from Hollywood and just think its a Love Story with a messy ending.
There's a film called Unfaithful 2002 with Richard Gere and Diane Lane in it that covers it as an addiction pretty well. For the most part, people have a lot of trouble wrapping their head around it. And to make matters worse it comes as even less convincing from you since your husband is having an affair - you appear to the uneducated as if you are just getting desperate.
Many people diagnose affairs as MLC's, but to my mind that's a misdiagnosis.
My own experience of how my wife was during the heat of her affair and the complete turnaround now that its been over for months and her withdrawal is out of the way is night and day. I am fully convinced of this. Harley as well as others have made comparisons of the chemical breakdown in the brain of people having affairs and compared it to other addicts and found it to be the same imbalance problems taking place.
Once you understand this as an addiction, it helps a lot to know how to deal with them better. There's a good TV show that runs weeknights called Intervention as well.. good education there too.
