Looking for help with WAW

[mza8]

Read your response to mine, I quoted it above.
You sound so damn unsure of yourself, you sound weak, insecure, uncertain, etc. This is also the person that she is no longer attracted to, how could she be, what is attractive in any of these traits. You can't lead yourself let alone her, you aren't confident about yourself or what to do in your situation, you sound weak, insecure, scared, lonely, sad and your wife isn't going to be attracted to any of this.

I get it. This is all very unsettling, your world has been turned upside down like a big old box full of bits & pieces of junk that's been sitting in the garage for years and someone just grabbed it, turned it upside and poured out a big old mess and you don't know where to start and your first question is why did someone do this me? In the end, you're going to see that you did it to yourself, not now, it's too soon for that but several months or a year from now hopefully you will see why this happened and that it was actually a good thing, it's an opportunity for you to experience growth that very few people will get to experience - that is of course if you're up to the challenge.

When I say be masculine to be attractive (or something like that, that can't be a direct quote), I mean be a MAN.
You know the funny thing, a couple of years ago when this all happened to me, if someone had said to me "BE A MAN!" I would have had a blank look on my face and asked "what do you mean? I was born a male?!"

Be a man.
Do the research.
Google it, find out what it means to be a man, a real man and not this person that you are right now.

Taking care of things with the house doesn't make you a man, anyone can own a home, so that's not it.

What responsibilities are you taking charge with that make you a man? Paying the bills? Anyone can do that, so that's not it either.

You haven't asked for anything, well that's a double edged sword, maybe that's part of the problem, you're not aggressive or assertive enough, when I want something, I sure as hell ask for it if I can't do it or make it myself. I get what I want in my life now, I make it happen, I don't wait for someone to put it neatly in my lap after being a good boy and getting rewarded. I reward myself by doing it myself, making it happen for me when I want it to happen. I just do it!

What confuses you about her wanting to pursue?
That's weird that you don't understand that. If she doesn't want you anymore, don't you think she's pursuing something else?

Forget about balance right now,
you're at one end of the spectrum, you need to experience the other end of the spectrum and then you can choose when to scale back and find "balance".

Don't answer her calls or answer them, it's up to you, do it because you want to do it but don't do it because you're afraid it will make her angry, that's definitely not masculine or manly to be afraid of someone's response.

You can't directly change her emotions, you can influence them a little. Currently she's against you because you're against her feelings/emotions, throw her a curve ball, agree with all of her emotions/feelings. She expects you to fight against all of this, go along with it willingly with a huge confident smile on your face.

As for her enjoying the distance between you too, yes I'm sure she is, maybe you should too ;-)

Robx, you're right. After reading what I wrote I do sound weak. It's sickens me. This is not the man I once was. When I owned my company I had huge responsibilities. I felt like the king of the world. I feel so empowered. I made the decisions. I stood up for myself. I was strong and confident. There was a lot of stress but I dealt with it so well and took it head on. I was far from perfect but I was proud of the man I was during that time. Where did that guy go? I'll be the first to admit that when I lost my company my world was turned upside down. I was devastated. I didn't know what to do next. For the two years that followed that's when I believe things started to deteriorate with my W. She saw a weak man now. I understand that, it makes sense.

During the time I owned my company I was always a very analytical person. I would look at problems a hundred ways to figure out the best way to solve the problem. I always believed I could fix any problem. I had so much confidence. That's sort of my problem now. I analyze this sitch to death. I know it's unhealthy to do this as I will drive myself crazy. However, I look at things and try to find ways that it makes sense. Yes, I can see many of the reasons my W left. I feel like I know this now, which is good. That's why I'm working so damn hard to change. I can now see what I have become and I'm not proud of it. I felt like a complete failure to my W and to myself after I lost my company. With the help of my IC, I now know the severe depression I suffered during that time. I don't regret that I lost my business because I tried my best under extremely difficult circumstances. What I do regret is the fact that I didn"t seek C (help) back then. My W asked me too and I didn't listen. She knew, she could see it. I couldn't. What a jackass I was and in some ways still am. I don't want to control my W but for the life of me I cannot understand why she just ran and wants a D so bad? Why will she not give me a second chance? It makes no sense to me and again I look for reasons to make sense out of a situation. That's just who I am. That's why it's so difficult for me to just walk away. To just ignore the sitch. I have said before that I would do anything for my W. Makes me upset to hear myself say that. If I would do anything for her than why in the hell didn't i get off my a$$ two years ago and man-up and take care of her? Depression can certainly be attributed to this but come on, I should have done better...a lot better. Dammit, I know I messed up. I would give anything to do it all over again.

I read a lot fo others sitchs on this board. I feel for them so much. I know what they're going through. It's so sad to see some of the problems of infidelity, drug or alcohol abuse, and the numerous other issues. Those can be difficult things to overcome but I am amazed and truly inspired to see, despite those problems, how those people work their butts off to continue to fight for their M. God bless these people. I wish the best outcome for them. When I read some of those sitchs I look at my own sitch. I don't have those issues to deal with. In some ways i don't know if that makes me better off or not. I feel like if they're was one or two major issues then I could easily see what needed to be done...expose A, etc. Since I don't have those issues in my sitch, I can't figure out why W won't at least agree not to D and give this some time. I don't even need her to go to MC now. I would be so happy to give her space but just stop with this D talk. I mean, how in the world can we go from seemingly being ok (obviously she wasn't) to her wanting a D. I am shocked. At worst I would have thought W would want to separate until we could work on our M through C first. I can't even get that opportunity.

I read others sitchs to track their progress. Some show signs of positive progress. Their spouse seems to be coming around. Some of their spouses who said they were done now are at least talking about the M. I look for any signs in my W but she seems so gone. In some ways she is such a different person and in some ways not so much. I would love to see her grow. I would love to be married to this new person. I'd like to get to know this new W if she would just give me a chance.

Sorry for the long post but it felt good to write this down. I'll back off. I'll let her pursue (for whatever the reasons). It's just difficult for me to accept the fact that i can't do anything other than to do nothing to fix this. Boy, that's hard for me. I'll continue to change the things I know I need to improve. I need to get back to being the man I used to be. I miss that guy and maybe my W does too.

I do need to be more assertive. Instead of letting my W walk all over me I need to ask her for the things I want. For the past couple of years I would always do whatever she wanted to make her happy. For example, for something as simple as picking a restaurant to go out to eat, she would always ask me where I wanted to go. I would respond and say that I didn't care and said wherever she wante to go. She would get so frustrated with me. How sad and weak...yuck.

Robx, I read up on some of your sitch. Was it giving your W time and space as well as being a strong man some of the things that helped turn around your sitch for the positive? It is frustrating that my W bases her decisinos on emotion right now. However, if that's where she is then who am I to argue with her. I can't argue with her feelings. I know she is enjoying her time away from me. I would love to know if she will ever enjoy spending time with me again. Ahhh, the $64,000 question.

A friend of mine passed away yesterday. He died of cancer and was only 33 years old. So young. He was married and had a young son. Life is so short. There are people out there with far more problems than me, When I thought about my friend today it made me think how my W and i shouldn't at least give ourselves a chance to work on the marriage. Life is too short not to try and have doubts later in life. My friend's W supported and way there for him until the end. True love.

All I ever wanted from my W during my struggles after I lost my company was her support. That's all. I just wanted her to think of me and tell me everything would be ok like I always told her. Instead she always seemed concerned about how it affected her. Don't get me wrong, she is a great woman but she just wasn't in a place to give me the support I was looking for and it was dissappointning. Again, all I ever wanted from her was some support during a difficult time in my life.




Steve, yes, you're right. I get what you're saying. There's a lot of life to live out there. Until my W decides to reconcile or to D, I have to go out and live life. I wish I could live that life with my W. By the way Steve, I do go to the gym but I'm a soccer nut and play 4 times a week. So instead of a lot of gym work I do a lot of running. I love it. I'll have to work on those 100lb. dumbells.

Steve, my quote, "Life is full of challanges. How we choose to deal with these challanges defines us as a person. I will rise up and meet life's challanges head on. It's time to kick a$$"

mza8