Personally I reckon a combination of Kalni & Gno..
Behave like a Sep person well that's pretty my much what you have been doing, with some time with H. But Gno has a point he didn't lose his temper but did share some pretty honest if harsh stuff!
Take a big step back for a couple of days, if he asks say you understand what he said but would like to continue with MC as you feel it's helping your R as you both need to be able to work together and compromise for S's sake.. Stalling time again but may give him time readdress his thoughts more positively x
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W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
Oh (((((((Hope))))))), I am SO sorry- and want to shake or punch your H. I hate how he has treated you :-(. You shouldn't have to walk around in fear of him blowing up over a book that can be replaced- it's just money!
It is probably of little comfort, but please try to wrap yourself in a protective blanket and take care of yourself as much as possible. Stay busy and see if you can occupy your mind. Easier said than done, I know. Sending you a virtual hug.
When the men on the chessboard Get up and tell you where to go; And you've just had some kind of mushroom And your mind is moving slow; Go ask Alice... I think she'll know.
Had a big talk with Gno today. In light of the new info that my H is using painkillers and very likely addicted - and that two years ago he started this and that is when I started having problems escaping too - I realize I have been changing and getting ahold of my problems and H is still in denail. I'm not making any drastic moves now but I"m going to have to turn the tables on him. I am going to have to know that he is the unstable one now and I"m the one getting a grip = I will work on not taking his blame anymore and not hoping for reconsiliation unless he gets help with his drugs addiction.
This is a huge mindset turnaround for me. I don't know how this will play out but I see now it wasn't all in my head, it wasn't all my fault. I don't have hope any more I have reality. And I"m not a vicitm of him leafing, I'm an adult who is going to hold him accountable or leave
It's really scary. Its really sad. My dad was a pothead and god knows what else for most of my life. I see now that the man I thought was so "different" and together is actually playing out the same patterns as my childhood with me = I am seeing someone run from their problems and I am "trying to be good enough" for them to give me attention.
H4L, your H's addiction issue is a HUGE thing! A father who I know struggled with that one in a big way (has a wife and 3 children) and he made it through the other side with a lot of support from his wife, friends, and Narcotics Anonymous. I hope that your H has the strength to deal with this...
I'm so glad that you have an answer to what the heck is up with your H. It really sucks that he couldn't have owned up to this a long time ago.
I see the logic of following Gno's advice to keep status quo in your interactions with H for the next 4 weeks. Whether it's the legal separation or the new things you are trying, things have gotten really stirred up and now time is needed for things to settle.
But you also need to really work on self care too. You need to be sure that you are safeguarding your emotional safety.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
This sounds like a huge shift for you, and a crucial one! Yes, this sad and scarey. But, it sounds like it is the way through this for you and your S. So true... you are NOT a victim. You are in control of your own life. Time to make that your reality hun. You can do this, and you are not alone. We are with you. ((hugs))
THanks friends you really helped me through a rough day. I went to IC= he's also our MC I cancelled couple's and made it a me day.
C said that I'm trying so hard to grow and often he sees the other partner respond when one does this. He doesn't see H responding and he says it's hard to watch me get hurt over and over. C said that if H is not willing to grow, and is emotionally shut down because of drugs then I won't get anything from him and thinks I should stop trying so I don't get hurt.
He confirmed that H is still so full of anger he is pushing me away and trying to nitpick everything I do to justify his emotional avoidance.
I cried and cried and it felt good.
But the thing I got was - it's not my fault. H always tries to make it my fault. It is not. It's not my fault he choses drugs over growth. It's not my fault he avoids feelings. I have to repeat this a million times to heal the feeling of rejection. Then I felt as if a 12 tone weight was lifted off my back.
This enabled me to do a 180 (which H wont' notice probably) and not be emotional, convincing, reacting as I tend to do.
Other thing - I asked H why he wanted to do passover here. He said his mom is not that into it and she always complains and does it half way and her house is not that clean and it's a long drive - and that our s would be more comfortable here. I don't know if I believe it's this non-emotional or if it's more blather. But maybe it's not the big deal I thought it was.
Still notating positives although I'm not feeling it.
H got in a fit when I didn't have dinner cooked when he got here. One of the 180's I've done is to cook dinner every night (prebomb I only microwaved!). But for obviously reasons I didn't feel like doing anything for H or our "family".THank goodness Gno had reminded me to not react and keep doing what I"m doing...or I would have given H major attitude tonight. Gno advised to not do LRT so I kept DBing.... H started to storm out to the store to get his own meal. I asked if he'd pick up a few things and he started getting nasty.
I said straight =- "what is annoying you?" H gets all nasty and complaining and I just stayed calm. "I"m tired, I didn't plan a meal ahead, I should have, I want something fresh." I said I would cook and he said "don't because I can't guarantee how I"ll react or eat it."
I just ignored him and whipped something up. Some yummmy curry with rice.
H sat with his head on the table it was weird. I didn't react. I served some food even though he had threatened not to eat it.
He had three servings and I got a "thank you that was really good."
See previous thread for mealtime tortures which included refusing to eat my food and always complaining how awful it was.
