Had a big talk with Gno today. In light of the new info that my H is using painkillers and very likely addicted - and that two years ago he started this and that is when I started having problems escaping too - I realize I have been changing and getting ahold of my problems and H is still in denail. I'm not making any drastic moves now but I"m going to have to turn the tables on him. I am going to have to know that he is the unstable one now and I"m the one getting a grip = I will work on not taking his blame anymore and not hoping for reconsiliation unless he gets help with his drugs addiction.
This is a huge mindset turnaround for me. I don't know how this will play out but I see now it wasn't all in my head, it wasn't all my fault. I don't have hope any more I have reality. And I"m not a vicitm of him leafing, I'm an adult who is going to hold him accountable or leave
It's really scary. Its really sad. My dad was a pothead and god knows what else for most of my life. I see now that the man I thought was so "different" and together is actually playing out the same patterns as my childhood with me = I am seeing someone run from their problems and I am "trying to be good enough" for them to give me attention.
