I am trying hard not to make something out of nothing -- positive or negative. But I am so hypersensitive right now that I notice everyting. Our emotional cold war has been going for about 5 weeks. We are both seeing separate therapists. All I can say is that she is protecting herself but we're still together. When we are with our boys we are great with each other. When the boys go to sleep, she recoils. This weekend, with the great NY weather, was good. We spent time outside in our yard with our boys playing. I hung about 12 pictures our our boys (and a few of us) from a photo shoot we did a few months ago and I know she can't stop looking at them b/c they came out so nice. We usually respect each others space and there was a moment when she got down on the floor with me and played with our one-year-olds. She also fed me a few fries while I was washing dishes. Very small things, indeed, but things that make me think she might be a little more comfortable around me. I do as much as humanly possible to take care of housework and make sure I don't leave a wake behind me whatever I do in the kitchen or elsewhere. I always try to be first to deal with the kids during the overnight hours. Basically, I do as much as I can to take the pressure off of her. She still will sometime talk using "I" when talking about the future (as if she plans on being alone). She still has a hard time sounding sincere when I leave for work in the morning when I say goodbye. When she seems upset or angry I disappear. I give her as much space as I can and I do as much to remain engaged with our kids. During the day I submerge myself 100% in the kids. I will play with them for 8 straight hours if I must. I cherish every single moment. I think she will have a hard time maintaining her ice wall. I am happy to be with my family even though she gives little to nothing to me. I really wish I could tell her how much I love her or just grab her and kiss her, and that's the part that drives me nuts. Her behavior is not natural. I hope I can chip away. I am trying not to let her bully me and I feel like even when things are going along OK, something is lurking to destroy all my positive feelings. I focus on myself a lot and I have dropped a full pants size in 4 weeks. I just want my wife back and my family to get out of this rut. But she is not letting me in.
