Congrats on today's GAL, Flow. Very important. I can feel that I'm getting some energy bit by bit from my exercise. DO IT! If you use the meds energy to help you jumpstart the exercise and up the exercise, you can supposedly get off meds quicker. GO FLOW!
FM- Do NOT let fear rule you. I hear through your posts worry about your husband's reactions and how your husband perceives things. I agree 100% with CG and Gardener- you do not have to fix HIS MESS. He is a big boy who needs to learn consequences- let him really feel them. Do not rescue him or try to appease him. It is better if he really is miserable with his choice to separate.
Your children come first. His actions to put the family further in debt and disrupt your children's lives is SELFISH behavior. He can justify it all he wants, you can blame yourself if you want (not sure you have been). But this money issue is putting HIS needs above the important needs of his and your children. You can not produce more income b/c he has created a financial mess. Stand strong for your children. Do not let him bully you into trying to earn more income to support his lifestyle. Why not look him straight in the eyes and state- I know a huge way to save money...Why do you give up the apartment and move back in. Let him try to rationalize that away. And he will try.
Face your fear of him Ding you. Imagine the worst case scenario. If you can get past this fear than you are, as many have said on this site, a "dead man walking". Meaning you are like a soldier going into a battle expecting to die. You fight with no fear, you take risky actions. You fight heart and soul with confidence that you will give it your all. You run across a field of landmines b/c you know you have to, you have to do whatever it takes to try and live despite the odds. Am I making sense.
It is not true DBing and fighting for the marriage until you take the risky stands that you may fear to lead to D. If oyu DB out of fear- you will almost always fail. I hope someone can explain this better than I am b/c I am doing a poor job here...
I wish I could point you to the posts about the dead soldier walking analogies...
Don't let him push you around.
Learn this phrase... "I'm sorry you feel that way" Validate... but do not agree with him
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
I for the life of my can't figure out how to post a link to a thread. I know there are instructions around here somewhere.
The thread of mine you should read (if you are so inclined) is my first thread called "New To The Forum But Not The Technique"
Keep in mind I was informally separated for a year when I joined this site. But the entire thread will give you a very good idea of what I was dealing with.
And for council. Since were both from the great white north. call around and go see 3 or 4 of them. Most have a free 30 minutes.
Write up everything you can about your finances. Write up your expiations and write up any questions you have. Go in there and make sure you get your 30 minutes of time.
Also please go down to the Government offices to determine what support you can get right now at the court of family law. If you need any help with this stuff contact me on the alt. And take the time to work with Citygirl here and on the alt to get all your ducks in a row.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
I wish I could point you to the posts about the dead soldier walking analogies...
"The only hope you have is to accept the fact that you're already dead. The sooner you accept that, the sooner you'll be able to function as a soldier is supposed to function: without mercy, without compassion, without remorse. All war depends upon it." Ronald Spiers, Band Of Brothers. For posts, search on" Spiers Doctrine" or "Spiers' Doctrine."
Point is, replace "dead" with "divorced" and you've got it.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
I like the dead solder walking analogy...but there's a reason that mothers don't make good soldiers.
Waiting to hear back from a L office. [censored]
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
It was great to see my sister. She's been a rock for me. I can cry with her and we can laugh at life's pathos at the same time. The spring equinox ceremony was a bit depressing, but the drumming was good. Just not quite the right thing. But it was an experiment so I'm proud of that. I actually felt so nervous beforehand that I had to give myself a serious talking-to to calm down. Social anxiety seems to be coming up for me a lot right now.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
When you speak to the attny ask them to explain the dangers of "verbal agreement" to you. As per my understanding of BC divorce law it seems that if you verbally agree to something your H asks (other than property division) it can be enforceable in court. Before you speak to your H about money find out more about this.
DO NOT E-MAIL HIM ANYTHING until you talk to an attny.
I am unsure why you think spousal support won't be much. You opted not to be in the workforce to raise children therefore your H would have to support you for 4.5 years (marriage is 9 yrs) so both of you have equal income (not counting child support). There are all sorts of stipulations I read about so be sure to ask the attny!
ugh $300 for an initial 1 hr consult, and haven't even been able to talk to the underling who answers questions about the initial consult yet, let alone book an appt. Nothing can ever be simple.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
