Nicole- my H was behaving the same exact way. I think it is mostly A related..compounded with some depression perhaps. He is projecting guilt and blame on you right now because he doesn't know how else to handle it. I definitely suspect he is still carrying on with OW...and I suspect this because I am fairly confident that my H has completely ended things with OW..and the anger and irritable have subsided quite a bit...and quite suddenly. Depression is still there...but the blank..distant..angry look in his eyes have softened. You may see the same change when the OW is out of the picture.
Try to keep above all of this. It is so difficult sometimes to keep taking these 'punches' to the gut and not want to throw one back. I think it is human nature to want to protect ourselves and fight back. But it really is fruitless. You will only feel good temporarily. In the midst of his immaturity...show him what a mature adult is all about. Do not have relationship talks with him right now..he does not want to hear anything and therefore will not really hear you. You will tire yourself out..I know I have..and not in a good way.
If you need to spend time with him..let him bring up conversation..see what he wants to discuss. I know from past experiences..the R talks always take the encounter SOUTH..and fairly quickly. As I mentioned in my post last night..H and I had a very long R discussion last night...it appears that he is now ready. As much as you want it or force these discussions..they will not happen until he is ready. Unfortunately. Limbo sux. But try not to freak out too much... Don't be impulsive (learn from my impulsive behavior)...really try to be patient
Just like your feelings change every day..sometimes every hour..(mine sometimes by the minute ;))...I am sure our H feelings change as well. He may say something today that leads you to believe that the whole situation is helpless and your attempts to reconcile are useless. Tomorrow he may express something completely different. You cannot control his fluctuating feelings....
I talked about this today with my good friend and I really cannot have any sort of serious relationship talks with him right now. I will get no where and he will only remember what he wants and change the facts. Especially with the OW in the picture. Relationship talks will get me no where.
I mistakenly asked him to come over tonight and he gave some lame excuse. He is totally lying and his excuse is ridiculous he might as well have just told me he was washing his hair....it would have been more believable.
I have noticed that his irritability and anger do go away when the OW is out of the picture. Maybe it doesn't disappear completely, but I can certainly see him trying to control his mood and feelings. He can do it and I was very impressed the last time he was here for almost 4 weeks. He did really try and I thought maybe things were going for the better. I was wrong, the OW came back.
When I have spent time with him the last couple of weeks there really is no conversation, he is just irritable and I really have absolutely no clue what to say. We really are just at the blame game stage right now. Or more he is in the blame game stage of everything is my fault.
I will try to learn from your impulsive behavior lola I am just so tired of this limbo land stuff and I do feel like something impulsive needs to be done in order to move things along. I do know this isn't going to do anything and I do need to be patient. Patience is the one thing I do not have and maybe this is my lesson to learn now at this time. I am trying so hard.
The H just texted me a bit ago and wanted to know if I was home and how my day was. WTF, seriously. I told him I did a bunch of stuff. He said "ok, you don't have to tell me what". I don't even know how to respond to this. I think he is just baiting me or maybe the OW isn't paying attention to him now. I don't know and really I don't know if I should care.
M 35, husband 35 M 10 Limbo 9/2009-12/2010 he left for his moms and came home way to many times to count Home 12/2010-present
Yes, I have come to realize that I cannot try to figure the H out. He texted more after my initial post above. He said he might come over in a awhile last night night, but then said he couldn't come because "he couldn't face it right now" then he said "Night". Then an hour later he wanted to know why I didn't have anything to say. Seriously he makes no sense and it is almost as if he is grasping to make sure I will still respond to him and pay attention.
I gather as I have riden this roller coaster ride around so many times in the last 6 months that he is starting to panic about what he is doing....or the OW is backing off some. I don't know exactly, I am just guessing. But he will do this all of a sudden, act as if he cares and take the victim role.
He said he couldn't sleep and I asked him "why"? He basically played the victim and wondered why I was asking, because I apparently should know that he is having such a hard time because our marriage is failing (it has nothing to do with the OW, she is just a friend you know).... It seems like he has a pretty good life at his mom's house. It is like an all inclusive resort without the sunny beach.
M 35, husband 35 M 10 Limbo 9/2009-12/2010 he left for his moms and came home way to many times to count Home 12/2010-present
She does actually have an extra room... she LOVES having guests and I was actually thinking of asking her if I could check in. LOL. My MIL is great and I love her to death. However, I do think to some degree she is enabling him to do what he is doing. She is a very smart woman but a little naive (might have spelt that wrong) sometimes & I think if she knew what he was doing she would NOT be happy with him at all.
The H really is just "checking in" to make sure I am on board for the marriage if he comes back. Funny thing he hasn't mentioned D in over two weeks.
I really need to work on the letter that I am going to give to him if he does come back. Something short and sweet and to the point that our M will not have a third person in it and that actions speak louder than words.... I know I have more to say just need to put it to paper.
M 35, husband 35 M 10 Limbo 9/2009-12/2010 he left for his moms and came home way to many times to count Home 12/2010-present
My husband was just here for a couple of hours. He seemed moody when he got here. He stared at the tv, ate some dinner and then stared at the tv some more. Then he said he had to leave he doesn't have clothes here. That isn't true but whatever. I walked him out and he said "you always do this you walk me out and want to talk". Hmmm, you are glued in front of the tv all moody in the house and I can barely ask or say anything to you. We talked some and he basically told me he isn't ok, there were a bunch of reasons. They ranged from, he is leaving me, I should be mad at him, he can't make me happy, I am being brought down by him, etc. Anyway, I asked him if he felt lost and didn't know where or what he is doing. He said "yes". I asked if he felt like he is just wandering around and doesn't know what he is doing. He said "yes"....
He also told me that he has been miserable and that he's made me miserable too. I told him that I can't lie and say I didn't know he wasn't happy. I told him I knew and I tried everything I could think of to try and make him happier, bought the car he wanted, scuba gear anything to help. I told him I hoped these things would make him happier for more than five seconds and they didn't and that things wouldn't make him happy. Our lives have been really hectic for the last two years and we've done nothing but rush around. I've tried hard to help him with the many activities that he has done and I realize that my helping hasn't really helped him, it has made him feel like he can't do anything and I know that isn't true.
I told him that I couldn't lie and say I wasn't mad at him, and that I also can't tell him what to do and that he is totally capable of doing things on his own. And that is why I can't tell him if he should or shouldn't be married. I asked him if he thought it was going to solve his problems and he said "he didn't know". I also told him that I would be fine with or without him, but I would again be lying if I said I didn't want to be with him.
He asked again what I did yesterday. I'm not sure why he was so bothered to know what I was doing yesterday. That is weird.
Well I'm sure his attitude will be TOTALLY different tomorrow. But today he was a lost boy and he wandered back to the all-inclusive resort (his mom's house). I really want to call/text him now and ask how he is, but that is pursuing. So I won't. So hard not to. He seemed so sad and just lost.
M 35, husband 35 M 10 Limbo 9/2009-12/2010 he left for his moms and came home way to many times to count Home 12/2010-present
It's so hard not to pursue when you care about someone and don't want to see them hurting. Plus limbo stinks. You're doing good showing you're caring but not pursuing. Have patience, it's a learned art, and you will learn it.
It's good that he opened up to you, but it sounds like he is in the exact same confused, depressed, flip-flopping place. Did you read the depression section of the DR book or any other resources about depression? There's not much you can do until they decide to seek help. And if he uses "deciding about marriage" as a way to avoid dealing with all his problems for a year before seeking help, you will hear a lot of these converations. It's interesting that he bought a lot of stuff and tried a bunch of new activities before EA looking for a magic bullet for his unhappiness. My IC told me I can't fix it and to be careful not to let anyone get me stuck in the fix-it or therapist role. I guess she thought I should only be a listening ear and a helping hand so much if H will not seek effective help. I wasn't sure what to say about that.
I am just so tired of this limbo land stuff and I do feel like something impulsive needs to be done in order to move things along. I do know this isn't going to do anything and I do need to be patient. Patience is the one thing I do not have and maybe this is my lesson to learn now at this time. I am trying so hard.