For Sandi2

[elscotto]

I told my daughters (then 18 and 20) the full truth. One had already suspected, and the other (D18) already KNEW, having seen her mother with the OM and it had been eating her up inside, trying to protect me from it.

My son (then 14), I said something like "Do you know why me and mommy have been arguing?"

"Kinda," he said.

"Do you want to ask me anything?" I asked him.

"Not really."

"Well, I want you to know the truth, and I also want you to know that I would NEVER lie to you, nor have I ever, okay?"

"OK."

"Your mother has a boyfriend. Married people shouldn't have boyfriends or girlfriends while they are still married -- it's wrong. I want her to stop it, and she refuses to, and that's why we're having problems."

"Oh," he said. "I think I know who it is." -- and then he proceeded to say "It's that guy from the gym, isn't it -- that young guy."

Kids aren't stupid. They hear things, and we do them harm, usually, if we don't have them hear it from US, first, in a loving and age-appropriate manner.

Puppy

Aaauuuuuugghh

So my 15 year old turned 15 on Friday. He had a party and all was good. He also asked me yesterday why we got divorced. I told him:

"What I'm about to tell you is an age appropriate response and not meant for you to pass along to your younger brothers. Before we begin why do you as the question?"

His response: "Well....when you told me that Mr. XXX cheated on his wife and broke up his marriage was it with Mom?"

Me: "Son, we go through a lot of changes in life and most of those changes don't cause irreperable harm to those around us. Sometimes we sell a home and move to another place thinking it will make us happier to live there and sometimes it does. But sometimes it doesn't--we just take the things that made us unhappy int he first home with us. Sometimes we quit a job and wish we hadn't later. ..and sometimes we aren't happy with our married life and we want a change. Most people will go to their spouse and tell their spouse they aren't happy and they make changes that result in a better marriage. Sometimes people don't do that and they make some bad choices usually thinking that they can handle what they are doing or that nobody will find out. Your mother made some bad choices and while there are a lot of times that when people step out of their marriage the person they are attracted to eventually fizzles out I was not willing to let that happen naturally.

I talked to yur mother and I insisted we either work on the marriage and make it right or we should get a divorce but I was not willing to let her continue to be involved with someone else while she was my wife. I explained that affairs can be either of the heart or physical. I didn't have the details on his mother, didn't need them, and neither did he."

I said your mother loves you and will always love you. She wasn't perfect in the marriage and neither was I. I always tried hard to provide a wonderful life for everyone and thought I had done a good job of this but in no way had I been perfect as a husband or a father and that affairs usually start when there is a vulnerability in the marriage.

We have been divorced now for 5.5 mos and my ex socialized the issue a couple of weeks ago with the 15 year old like this "How would you feel about me dating Mr. XXXX?" I think he said well whatever doesn't matter to me. My 10 year old came upstairs in her home a month or so ago and caught her kissing her affair partner and told his older brother about it.

I asked my son if he planned to tell his mother what he knew and he said NO WAY. I asked him how he was feeling. I knew he knew but had been trying to protect me. I told him never to feel like he needed to protect me that I was there for him and his brothers, always have been, and always will be. He seemed really relieved to be able to ask and get the answers.

I asked him ho he felt about his mother and he said he couldn't quite look at her the same way anymore. I felt bad for telling him after he said that.

did I do the right thing or what else would you suggest I say to him?