She Say's She Want's Out Of The Marriage

[steady]

You keep hearing not to talk about the R. What if the W brings up the R, do you talk about it then?

If she wants to talk about R or D or anything for that matter just let her talk. Validate what she is saying. If she wants to make plans concerning the D...such as, I called a lawyer, or this is what we need to do for the separation, etc... then just go with it. It's going to give you a giant basketball in the pit of your stomach and that anxiety will kick in, but do your best to just hold that inside. No faces, no poor me, no hurt expression. Just go with it as if you are in total agreement with it.

Don't initiate and D stuff, don't fight it, don't stop it or interfere with it. That's what I was told. Let her initiate it and do anything that has to do with it.

If she brings up R or M talk your first instinct will be to defend yourself, point out her flaws, tell her you think she's making it worse than it really is, tell her she's re-writing the past, etc... You need to allow that stuff to run through your mind but DO NOT express them to her. Come here to vent.

The best piece of advice I can give you - don't talk without thinking. Pause and allow what she says to sink in without knee jerk responding to it. We have a tendency to not listen and to be sitting there thinking about some kind of rebuttal.

Listen. Wait. Think. Then speak. Make it a slow rhythm on your part. Talk slowly because we tend to get excited because of the anxiousness and move too quickly to speak.

Look into her eyes. I don't mean stare at her. We also have the tendency to look away when we are getting words that we don't want to hear.

Above all else, do not argue under any circumstance. If you feel you are getting heated up or the conversation begins to move into argument mode, just excuse yourself. Just say you need some time to get your head together. Then do it. It's drawing a boundary.

You can even say, "This is turning into an argument and I don't want to argue. I need some time to get myself centered" or something to that effect.