Poet, thanks. And I agree that it makes no sense. Too many good people I see here in these forums and in other venues are put through H*ll for no good reason.
BND, thanks also. Neither of my S's have had counseling for their parents splitting up. S5's pre-K teachers and counselor asked us about that as well. About this time last year I tried to convince xW that we should get both S5 and S9 into some form of counseling, having lined up three references which I had checked out. But xW would not hear of it. She insisted that our S's would be just fine and that D was not going to have any impact on them unless I screwed them up. She obviously feels that she can directly control how our S's feel, even with something as fundamental as their family being severed.
I realized that getting my S's into counseling was going to be in vain if I could not gain xW's cooperation. It was apparent she would thwart any C sessions during her weeks of custody. I now wish I had overridden her.
Karen, I think as I have come to lose all hope that xW will reciprocate any good faith effort by me, I am learning to let go of my anger. I am certain she will continue to try to hurt me and infuriate me, but I am learning to not care anything about her or her actions, but to treat her as the instinct-driven, irrational and dangerous animal she has become, no different than an enraged water buffalo prone to charge. Given that, I can view her harms and her threats as no different than a force of nature. But it does sadden me still, to a degree, to realize that I am having to effectively dehumanize her in my mind to be able to cope with her heinous ways.
Hi, Ellie, my kids definitely do not like change, and they are hugely averse to transitions of any kind. S9, in particular, is acutely sensitive to having to change gears.
However as far as the weekly schedule -- one week with each parent, alternating -- it has been almost exactly two years now (with the separation itself having started almost a year before that). My S's should be fairly well acclimated to this regular "changing of the guards" by now, or so I would reason.
But if I could maintain my calm (at least outwardly) in the face of what transpired on Friday, then I think I can certainly avoid making any big deals out of handoffs going forward.
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I had a fairly quiet weekend with my S's, despite the torrential start Friday evening. S5 seems to have calmed down considerably, but he is obviously feeling less secure in general. Several times over th course of the weekend he sought reassurances from me that I love him and care for him. Asking me to tickle him, or to sit on my lap to watch a show, or to crawl into my bed late at night. It worries me that something is affecting his sense of peace and security so, but I am at the same time relieved that he can still allow himself to seek comfort in me, his father.
I am trying to be as neutral in my own demeanor as possible, neither too "up" nor too "down", but always ready to show S5 and S9 that I love them despite whatever circumstance may arise. I am their father, not their playmate, though as a father I do and did get down and play with them and enjoyed myself with them and their company. They need a father, as all children do.
At times though, I thought later back upon it and wondered: was I actually now walking on eggshells this weekend, with my own children? Is that normal? Or is to be expected given the circumstances?
And then I wondered, how on earth could I have gotten into a situation where my family, or what remains of it, could be hanging so precariously? But like being on the edge of a cliff, I am telling myself to not look down, but to continue forward -- if I am lucky we will all get past this, I hope.
